ON THE ROAD TO GOOD HEALTH

Dutch Elmo of Irwin breaks trail before dinner

By Doctor Nick “Barnstorm” Moneypenny

SIMPLE AND QUICK HOME EXERCISE FOR MOUNTAIN FOLK

     Hello again and welcome to everyone who’s got a leg up on this winter business. Today we will focus on some of the more innovative approaches to basic daily exercise. Many of the devices featured in this article are custom-made for people who reside in our high country. Included will be calisthenics and isometric exercises aimed at firming up physiques that have been beaten up a bit by colder weather and lack of accessibility to summer workout patterns.

Without a doubt my favorite new gizmo is the ICY STAIRMASTER. This conceptual breakthrough allows for the optimum workout, while honing basic survival instincts conducive to mountain living. Produced by Zen Crafters, the Icy Stairmaster works the thighs down to tough-as-nails floss and teaches piqued balance techniques. And it comes with its own water for those of you who find themselves privy disadvantaged.

Rare photo of Jack (of Jack’s Cabin fame) working out those ski legs before making his daily homage to town on glass boards, fighting off carnivorous herd animals along his merry way.

Another effective way to blend daily chores with a regular sweat session is by embracing the Cotton Harris Ankle Weight System. This ultra-edge addition to your wardrobe allows the user to perform a variety of beneficial tasks with a few laps around the block. Other leg improvement devices include the STATIONARY MOUNTAIN BIKE and the FOUR-WHEEL- DRIVE PLATE JUGGLER, radically designed for people who live in small cabins and do not have a proper dining room ensemble. The Stationary Mountain Bike works well when set up with a nice view while the plate juggler is easily stored under the couch, along with accumulated crumbs, creeping dog hair and discarded eating utensils.

And have you seriously considered your presence this summer? There is no excuse for flab with your personal CELLULAR PHONE JOGGING COUNTER. Since the phone is mobile it allows the runner free reign. One can run to the Pacific Northwest one day and Southern Alabama the next without missing any calls. A miniature FAX JOGING COUNTER is on the drawing board and, according to unreliable sources in the tech hype industry, will be hitting the market by spring.

Still yet another great method for combining occupational responsibilities with exercise are SOLOFLEX STEERING WHEEL WEIGHTS, which adapt easily to any driving apparatus, or rpm to wheel ratio. Especially functional during traffic jams and expressions of road rage.

For the winter outdoors enthusiast we can’t help suggesting Syd’s SNOWPLOW TUG-O-WAR TOW BAR STRAP. Although the user will rarely win, the tension creates beneficial stress that will soon be defined by massive muscle growth everywhere but between the ears. Another concept, an indoor one, for the person looking for light repetitions is the incomparable PINE CONE BICEPS CURL TRACKER which is excellent preparation for frisbee, hacky-sack or other non-contact summer sports.

Want to mix your workout with the kinky local scene? Try some weighted wrist straps, popular with creative lovers and crap throwers in training too…and they’re dishwasher safe!

Sally Sabarieux, late of parrot City and Gladstone, shakes her money maker in full Victorian regalia. After cooking for 17, sewing, cleaning, child-rearing, farming, chopping firewood, washing clothes, repairing curtains, building furniture and changing the oil on the family’s henway she damn sure needed a workout, heh?

But keep that chin up and the weight down with UNEMPLOYMENT ISOMETRICS. Exercises that can be done at the spur of the moment, standing in line, sitting on metal chairs, anywhere where there are walls and ceilings.

If we may suggest an anthology which might round these matters up like a sturdy cow pen read Sit-Ups and Shots, the newest offering from whirled clasped libretto gymnast, Racko Gaar Poterpes, Olympic gin runner and former President of Fort Lewis College. To quote Porepes: “We have found that the motivational benefits intrinsic to a simple sit-up, followed by a shot of one’s favorite beverage can be alarming.”

Next time we’ll discuss the advantages of a daily routine interspersing COUNTRYCIZE pop tunes and JACUZZI HYDRO-ROWING MANIPULATORS, crisply revisiting the early strains of the cowboy surfing music rage.