Aliens to gain legal status through jury duty

(El Lay) Immigrants of various genres can gain quick citizenship by performing jury duty according to the department of Naturalization and Meltdown officials here. The alpha program has been approved by the Congress, after a slight filibuster by House GOP stalwarts, and signed into law by the President so as to avoid a shutdown of the legal system.

“The Congress was anxious to get on with vacation and Barack, caught off guard by the non-partisan action, signed it as part of a compromise aimed at implementing a host of future free trade fantasies generated from White House.

Proponents of the action say that most Americans would rather take a beating than sit on a jury. The new arrangement not only fills this void but allows aliens a new path to citizenship and a chance to gain respect in their new country.

Critics insist it is just another way to avoid the responsibilities of Democracy.

“It’s like buying your way out of military service or sending someone else to the ballot box to do one’s bidding,” said a representative from Louisiana who voted against the measure.

Sponsors of the legislation say that the access to legal codes and procedures helps new arrivals assimilate faster. They agree that language barriers would have to be overcome and a redefining of what constitutes a peer group might need revamping. For the first few months sign language will be implemented, then translators next to the court reporters.

“The immigrant seeks acceptance,” said one senator that favors the changes. “We feel that the presence of warm bodies in the jury is better than no jury at all. At least it looks better than empty seats. Let’s face the facts for a change. Do we want a jury of malcontents playing with their cell phones or a jury of frightened immigrants intent on making it in a new culture?”

The senator went on to say that she favors trading deadbeat Americans for motivated immigrants any day of the week.

“Many Americans have lost sight of what made the country in the first place. They think they are owed something for nothing,” she explained. “I assure you,” she smiled, “immigrants do not fall into this category. The continued rise in no-shows has the legal community baffled. Despite threats of fines and even jail time many of us see jury duty as inconvenience rather than a right and responsibility. If you were on trial wouldn’t you want a jury of attentive and motivated peers?” she asked.

Often prospective jurors see a loss of income this justice for all business. Although employees are generally compensated the self-employed are not. Contrary to most current theories the unemployed often see jury duty as a chance to get out and do something. They see the stipend as a way to buy lunch for the day. It appears to boil down to a lackl

uster populace shirking its duty while new arrivals are anxious to prove their worth.

Meanwhile critics, who offer no other viable solution to the void, continue to paint a picture of ethnic and cultural chaos if aliens are brought into the courtroom at this capacity. They fear that the definitions applied here might invite participation by far more exotic and bizarre aliens from other planets, stars and galaxies yet to be discovered.

“Imagine a jury made up of people from Mexico and Mars!” said a representative from Arizona, knuckles one with the pavement. “We don’t like it. We prefer to ignore the problems and embrace fairy tale endings on social issues.”

One particularly vocal senator slammed the negative impacts of floundering while the system caves in from its own imbalances.

“I’ve seen every episode of Star Trek 15 times and have read the Martian Chronicles twice,” he said. “My brother was involved in the Apollo Mission from the outset and my dad was big into telescopes and experimental kites back in the Fifties. We should begin looking at all these alien types as resources and not threats. I myself have had numerous brushes with astral travel so don’t get cosmic with me in this chamber!”

– Sergio Jingles