Hunters Wipe Out Tree Venison

(Gunnison) Rifle hunters have virtually wiped out the state’s last remnants of organic tree venison according to information released by the Colorado Division of Still-life. The tiny, often transparent herd mammal, known for its curious behavior of living in trees, has been endangered for the past decade but, since most of the populace doubted the very existence of the species, that sad plight has never been publicized.

“No state congressman in his right mind is going to vote to protect what is perceived as a fictitious species,” said Marvin Ballotte, former Aurora exterminator turned political analyst in October. “It would be political suicide on the scale of Dick Lamm’s euthanasia speech in 1983 or Bill Owen’s the whole place is on fire comment in the early part of the century . For all the hype during summer tourist season you don’t see legislators calling for a boycott on jackalope season or protection for snow snakes. It would be like granting Yosemite Sam a stay of execution on death row.”

Besides the odd living arrangement, a classic branch-canopy habitation combined with ground foraging usually reserved for primates, birds and insects, the tree deer are territorial, lustful and can be ferocious when cornered. This may account for the lack of public support if and when their numbers are threatened.

“Far too many Coloradans have suffered tree deer trauma especially with scary tales over the campfire during root or rutting season,” explains Ballotte. “There’s really no love lost for the deer, who are considered pests at best and who are said to overpopulate at a frightening pace. They’re as bad as rabbits but rabbits rarely attack livestock or hurl themselves out in front of defenseless minivans. Besides, rabbits are cute and these tree deer are an ugly lot.”

The last herd of tree deer was reportedly spotted by hall-of-fame marmot wrestler, Earl “Boy” Pritchard of Sapinero, an accused eccentric who is not considered dangerous unless agitated.  Pritchard claims he ran across a party of tree deer chewing away in an aspen grove in May.

“The only reason they didn’t attack is that I had camouflaged my torso with a palmetto branch and covered my scent with a bottle of cheap toilet water,” spat Pritchard, “but they was there.”

The fact that the animals were not indigenous to Colorado has not helped to relieve their precarious position either. The deer are thought to have been brought to Colorado from California by Basque fishermen to pick fruit back in the Sixties. The ones who didn’t join hippie communes assimilated into the population and became realtors.

With the absence of these fleshy beasts from the food chain it is not clear what wolves will eat as hors d’ oeuvres or bears will use as live bait come spring. -Suzie Compost