FREEDOM TAPPED AS ASSEMBLYMAN

(Ridgway) Ed Freedom is a perfect fit for local politics. The prospect of such a surname on the ballot has had king makers drooling since back when the earth was only 6000 years old and a game of pool cost a quarter.

The Manana car wash jockey, who manages to reside in a prestigious baited community on his puny salary, has been wined and dined by both major political parties in hopes that he will fill candidate gaps in the next election.

Unreliable pollsters outside the former Little Schlepp Saloon here say Freedom is a sure thing since he appeals to an electorate that responds not to the issues but to name recognition and lots of noise.

“We are not saying Ed will make an impact,” said Shirley Chizzle, executive director of the GOP. “He is electable. Who would vote against someone named Freedom? It’s unpatriotic!”

Meanwhile the local Democrats have been busy convincing Ed to run with them.

“What a perfect populist name,” said a party line Democrat. “He may be an imbecile but he can be created from scratch to appeal to the fears of the electorate, and that’s all that really matters these days.

Both party spokespersons expect to throw around even more campaign money than in the last election.

“Donations will flow with any candidate named Freedom,” said the Dem, “and we do not intend on being left with the short straw. After he is firmly entrenched in his seat we don’t care about his morals or his taste in neckties.”

“The whole process is about money,” laughed a GOP source. “We can insert here and edit there until we create a candidate that will have American appeal.”

The spokesperson did not elaborate when asked to define that particular term.

Both factions expressed concern that Freedom needs polish and some rudimentary education as to the issues prior to announcing his candidacy. Positions such as assemblyman, or even dogcatcher, can catapult the uninitiated into positions of relevance. However, the early days in the public eye demand eye contact, quick response and sacred adherence to the party platform.

“We damn sure don’t want the buttermilk coming through the cream,” said Freedom’s advisor and confidant Mickey “Peg Leg” O’Sullivan who, along with Freedom, were the last two citizens busted for marijuana use in Colorado, back in December. (Colorado legalized the drug in January).

“Expect Ed to do well with the Gimme Democrats and the Trailer Park Republicans,” said O’Sullivan. “Throw in a few well placed scandals, millions in TV advertising, regular church attendance and maybe a cute puppy in his arms and Ed will be on his way to the State House in 2016.”

– Syd Fardt