Brawl-Marts closing over terrorist threats

(Banditville AR) Most of the nation’s Brawl-Mart stores will close today in response to what security forces there are calling serious calculated threats against the discount chain. The danger was apparently detected through wire-tapping and a worldwide spy network created to discover and ferret out plans of violent dimensions before they are enacted.

Despite all the hoopla nobody really knows who the terrorists might be since the Brawl-Mart empire has made countless enemies due to greedy business practices and a clear desire to dominate world retail markets. Islamic radicals, free market advocates, consumer watchdogs, sociologists, mental health professionals, persons of good taste and many small business concerns are all suspect as the investigation widens.

“Most of the people who shop at Brawl-Mart haven’t a clue as to what their consumption does to the economy,” said a class action suit filed against the retail giant last week. What we need in this country is pride in our culture not adherence to hypnotic consumerism and the chronic willingness to accept the mundane.”

Brawl-Mart is expected to lose millions per day in the shutdowns, which could easily stretch into the holidays. Think of it – – Christmas without Brawl Mart. People might actually stay within their means and secure thoughtful, personal gifts given in the proper spirit, rather than mass-produced junk that no one really needs anyway. They might buy gifts because they love people rather than because society tells them to do so. They might enjoy shopping in an environment that is pleasant and nurturing, not plastic and mindless.

“Imagine a household of an addicted consumer, armed with a credit card headed to buy anything in arm’s reach,” said one behavior analyst. This kind of activity can ruin a family, a marriage, and a bank account. Maybe with the temporary demise of Brawl-Mart these kinds of sick people can regain their sense of priority and break the mold, kick the habit and go on to lead more meaningful lives as a result.”

Conversations among known terrorist organizations have pinpointed attacks on many giant corporate chains, seeing them as the flower of god-less consumerism and disregard for the needs of those impoverished in the world. Authorities have intercepted blueprints for a series of excursions into the heart of mainstream America.

“How long do you think the bombings will be restricted to Baghdad and Beirut?” said the behaviorist.

“The Yemenis are full of shit,” said one Homeland Security bigwig, who used to sell tires before 9/11. “They didn’t thwart, prevent or foil any terrorist activity back during last month’s embassy closing scare. We’re not counting on them to do anything but cash our checks. That way we can aim our clones at whomever we like. We just hope they don’t get clones too.”

In a related development the Pentagon and the Department of Education have released a combined statement saying essentially that the two had conspired to bomb Brawl-Marts in 2009 and 2011: The educators would give its blessing and the military would lower the boom.

Extensive studies carried out at major research institutions have concluded that the bombing strikes could raise the national IQ by 35 points in some more destructive target areas. Sadly, the plan was scrapped due to moral blowback, which landed on the joint chiefs and threatened the daily operations of the war colleges nearby.

– Susie Compost