CUT BAIT HOROSCOPE

Are you in need of constant cosmic reassurance? Do you dial psychic lines in the privacy of your own home? Do you actually believe that some other mortal can tell you what is best for you after shuffling a few decks of cards, reading tarots or throwing tobacco leaves up into the air? You probably vote every November too, don’t you. Instead, try perusing the following collection of stargazer hypocrisy. It makes as much sense as all the other crap and it’s free, which is just slightly more than it’s worth.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Air dirty laundry on the sunny side of the street. Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you floss afterwards. Enjoy trash day to the utmost, but don’t linger near the pickup route. Remember: The garbage engineers work on commission and the landfill is not a desired  destination. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon and be sure to check the mail for lucrative credit card offers before retiring at sundown. If you must count on other people try not using their fingers to do so. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. Maybe it’s you. Try adjusting your blinders. Living in denial is better than living in Florida. A window of opportunity should not be confused with a revolving door. Whittle yourself into a frenzy. Tonight: Swoon with the Moon.

CANCER  (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t waste time dwelling on other people’s fantasies. If you insist on playing the part of the victim at least provide your own props. Houseplants may be testy until the wind dies down. Be understanding but don’t take a lot of crap…You control the water can. Opinions may violate existing noise ordinances through the 15th. A helping hand may get caught in the elevator door. Grocery store parking lots are the perfect places to meet prospective lovers. Try produce too. Swinging dentists tend to rattle your gums. Hoard tick-tack replicas of Americana. Avoid long sentences, especially those handed down by the legal system. Where did you get that haircut? At the garden center? Tonight: Get into someone’s pocket..

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

An unexpected career in modeling awaits your exploration. Store negative emotions out in the garage with bad dancers, impromptu suitors, tired petitions and broken-down promises. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Prepare for an exotic sailor with a fish under each arm. Separate fantasy from reality and pretty wine bottles from the rest of your trash. It may take three to Tango but only two for the horizontal two-step. Embrace Flamenco instead. Watch for thorns in the roses, pits in the olives and the worm in the Mescal. Kilts simply won’t do at the beach. Maintain your sense of humor by laughing at others. Sinking ships loosen lips. Tonight: A little more of the right bait can land a bigger  fish.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

A waxing moon is not your fault. Evening stars bring darkness. Every cloud has a polyester lining. Speak clearly and distinctly when using other people’s credit cards. If it’s your birthday, you appear to have done at least one thing right. Embrace shallow ideologies but never kiss on the first date. Accentuate reciprocal events. Why languish on the merry-go-round when the roller coaster is departing? Spontaneous combustion is just around the corner. What with the signing of the newest nuclear test ban treaty don’t you think it’s high time to clean your bathroom? Keep your nose to your own grindstone and out of the grindstones of others. Problems on the home front may dictate changing home fronts. Brasil is nice. Bahia never Rio. After a week on the beach even you will stop thinking like an American. Tonight: Pull an ingrown hair for nostalgia.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Your conspicuous left flank is dangerously exposed to a counter attack through the astral ammunition dump. Romance is just around the corner but not within your inner circle. Vacation with strangers. Rusty fiscal wheels are in dire need of rotation. Difficulties finding warm bodies at the ice fishing convention shouldn’t dampen your enthusiasm for afternoon sushi. Become familiar with flirtation devices before jumping into the surf. If you intend to hurl yourself into a project be attentive to the follow-through net. Your dog-without-a-bone mentality is in need of a muzzle. If you were attractive you would be happier. Rain on your parade will be a blessing this summer. Develop eyebrows. Even the most intricate webs net dead flies. Tonight: Showcase bad table manners.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 22)

Jumping to conclusions is far better than jumping off a bridge. When at the grocery be on the lookout for a rich, seductive stranger in the cereal aisle. Don’t be offended by lewd advice or a casual brush back from cartoons on the colorful boxes. Sociopathic tendencies might be a premium in empty Greenland. Move there. If you wish for something too hard you still might not get it. Humans are the only species that blush and subdivide. Spend quality time with your woodpile. Even the feedlot has effective mass transit. Avoid being overly serious about personal hygiene. Listen to your bacteria. Tough decisions await you tomorrow, but hey, it’s still today. Use only root words when fertilizing plants. Tonight: Confirm underlying fears.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

With a recovering economy it may be difficult to sell your pickpocket practice this summer. Thrive on petty jealousy. Don’t take credit card debt personally. Rich peasants remain peasants. You may be nearing a junction pitting your emotions against your intellect. Stay down. It takes far less energy to meditate than to scream. Predictability is an art. Place all bets at the back entrance. Compatibility has always been an issue. While your extensive banana republic wardrobe says, “I’m an adventurer” you really never leave town. Fear of flying won’t pay for that bus ticket. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Inherited wealth lessens the pain of minimum wage.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your birthday could be ignored again at the end of the year hat with the Trump indictments. Hire a few apostles to bring your situation to light. It worked for another well-known Capricorn. Too much rum will fog up the looking glass. This reality can be good or bad depending on the sugar cane crop. If you feel out of balance it’s because you are out of balance. Try standing on your head and gaining a new prospective. Avoid Scorpio pets. Too much flag waving may create negative side effects in the elbow region. Symptomology is an art not a science. Keep this and all drooling advice out of the reach of children. Lending a hand could result in the loss of face. Tonight: Tuna salad at twenty paces.   

AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 19)

If you insist on fishing for compliments throw away those artificial lures and use heavy test line. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde (one last freeze) tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received and logged. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Try a little understanding even if civil servants fly off the handle even once too often. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Take on challenges one schlep at a time. Screen all fruitcake. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments. Isn’t it about time you get those Christmas cards in the mail? Tonight: Paint the neighbor’s car.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Morning insecurities add up to afternoon indecision. Leave plans for future in the future where they belong. Spawning in the wrong circles may be seen as little fishy. Stay clear of frying pans and hush puppies till the winds die down. You are far less attractive than you realize. You may be on a roll but so is the liver pudding. If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution instead. A lion will have a tail to tell but so then does the mouse. Disruptions are not part of life…They are life. Gratitude and reciprocity are spelled differently for a reason. A left-handed approach may result in a right-handed blow to the forehead. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage/future does not become slow/agonizing/tedious/mundane. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the spring. It will either confuse and/or impress. Weekly shopping can be simplified by purchasing/charging by the case at your friendly, local liquor/cordial outlet. In order to relieve the stress/fatigue of the marketplace be sure to stop at your local saloon/tavern before heading back to your home/shelter. Note: Drinking to excess has always been an option. Tonight: Comfortable as second fiddle in a remedial kazoo orchestra.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Someone has spilled gourmet coffee on your star chart. Now your future is decaffeinated. Your creativity is at a high point — Today is perfect for making cookies or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Assert yourself this month: You don’t have to sell the daily special to pets. Let them order directly from the menu if they are so smart. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors cheap, meaningless presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Tonight: Embrace a friend who owes you money.

– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist