Regional Update

Rastas, Mormons still long way from agreement

(Telluride) Meetings between Rastafarians and Mormons have yielded little or nothing toward the settlement of stark differences as of this morning. The summit, sponsored by ecumenical relief organizations, was arranged so as to create a climate of understanding within the diverse groups. Unreliable sources here say the two religions are still miles apart with final sessions scheduled over the weekend.

Endless Gas

(Ridgway) Local man, Melvin Toole has reportedly invented an automobile that never runs out of gas. “It’s fool-injected,” said Toole. “Fool-injected. With a capital F and that stands for fool and that rhymes with Toole.” The car will run forever on one tank of gas according to the inventor who adds that he is not concerned as to the countless death threats received from major oil companies. The car, available this week in red, metallic teal and off-white, promises to revolutionize the industry. “Fool-injection will be seen as a major breakthrough by everyone, especially with the price of gasoline,” he said,

Paper Drops Info-Nympho Chat

(Manana) Citing perverse sexual innuendo at every turn, editors at the San Juan Horseshoe have discontinued the popular Info-Nympho column, effective today. Saying that the lustful offering is not appropriate for a its’ marginally attentive readership, the paper will no longer feature it on its editorial page.

Penned by an unidentified writer, Info-Nympho followed an often tedious question and answer format that always skirted the subject and went directly to recounting the author’s sexual depravations, real or imagined. One example saw a reader write in asking about paint thinner only to be treated to a sordid account of the author’s visit to a swinger’s nightclub in Colona. Another went like this:

     Dear Info Nympho: My family and I are confused about daylight savings time. Does one turn the clock up or back? Little Hand

     Dear Little Hand. It’s simple: Spring forward, fall back. It’s a lot like my first time doing it on the beach. We looked up and there was nobody around so we figured we were alone. His hot breath gripped me and before I knew it clothes were everywhere. His welcome advances commenced and before I knew it we were in deep embrace. If only a crowd had not gathered we might still be there today.  —  Info Nympho.

The column will be replaced by a bass fishing pictorial.

Anesthesiologists Anonymous Dissolves

(Montrose) Anesthesiologists Anonymous today disbanded after 30 years attempting to rehabilitate at risk medical personnel. In the final meeting former members unanimously pledged to do all they could for their brotherhood and while taking ten steps toward remaining total strangers. A pot luck dinner has been scheduled at an undisclosed spot. Parties interested in attending the finale are encouraged to bring a covered fish.

Monday Only Commerce Bill passes in Hinsdale County

(Lake City) Calling it an end to puritan culture once and for all, town and county officials today threw full support behind a proposed ordinance banning work in any form six days a week. Residents and visitors alike would face stiff penalties for commerce any day but Monday.

“It’s just a matter of complacency,” said one elected leader who then quoted a pointed Garifuna saying common to Caribbean Nicaragua: “Monday- work day, Tuesday – choose day, Wednesday – lose day, Thursday – muse day, Friday feast day, Saturday pay day, Sunday rest day.”

The motion is expected to pass easily at next Monday’s semi-annual meeting.

Sage aftershave draws lusty ghost

(Crested Butte) A confirmed bachelor here says that ever since he began applying a local sage aftershave lotion he has found true romance. According to Tommy Middlefinger, a longtime house wrecker, he is visited every night in his boudoir by a sensual, yet rambunctious ghost set on extended love making. And he’s not complaining.

“The ratio of men to women here has always created a problem for the men and a paradise for the women,” he choked. “I just started using the aftershave to get rid of the gout. She (the ghostess) may be a little transparent but I assure you she’s still a fox even after decades in the grave.”

112-year old Cuban maestro denied entry into US

(Norwood) An elderly Cuban musician has been barred entry into the United States due to national security considerations it was reported today. The popular marimba great who has appeared on the popular Buena Vista Social Club CDs was turned away in Miami after showing his passport and playing the prescribed games attributed to Homeland Security Agency and the INS.

He was slated to play at Red’s Gravy Heaven on Grand Avenue October 20.

 “I’ll just wait them out, said centenarian-plus Alfredo “The Marimba Machete” Garcia. “Sooner or later Raul will pass and maybe the U.S. will elect someone who likes Cuban music.”

People with whiny voices less likely to succeed says study

(Gunnison) A combined study conducted by Western State Colorado University and Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Laboratory has determined that people with whiny voices are doomed to failure. The findings strongly suggest that although some whiners may do well in their early attempts they will, in the end, wind up in the gutter.

“Who wants some whiny know-it-all running around with success pinned to his coat,” asked one coordinator of a survey started last March. “We’ve talked to almost everyone in Gunnison County, including Marble and Vulcan, and nobody wants to see them excel.”

The study clearly states that fellow humans often dictate who is successful and that whiners rarely get the nod.

– compiled in part by Olivia Tinkleholland