BLACK BEAR NEWS

COLORADO LEGISLATURE TO ADDRESS BEAR TRESPASSING.

Less forage, more mountain homes and an increase in the bruin population, are just a few of the bugaboos blamed for an increase in bruin break-ins this fall.

Clever camp raids, damage to poultry salons, garden and orchard encroachments, and one Colona beehive colony/apiarist cadre are all a part of the seasonal chaos. Local elders here are bound and determined to do something about it.

We’ll pass a law and send out a press release everyone will be happy,” said one urban Democrat.

“Let’s just expand the hunting season on bear” said a rural GOP source, “and blast the intruders”.

In autumn on the Western Slope bear can be easily observed crossing deserted  fairways, punctuating the dumpster trail, devoting hours to gobbling up apples and apricots, and frightening tourists as well as remodeling gardens and trashing anything that gets in the way of their big, empty stomachs.

“Enough is enough. Who do they think they are?” asked Congressman Wiley “Mackerel” White (R-Atlantis), who has maintained that office since 1954 and is up for reelection in 2020. “We need strict laws that clearly forbid bear from violating private property. These are thugs. Maybe a leash law could be somehow employed?”

But who would be at the business end of this kind of savage bridle?

“These are not your playtime teddy bears. These are wild and dangerous predators and prowlers,” stressed White who admits he has never seen a bear or been in the forest but who vehemently called for a curfew and expanding the local police force.

Pence Promises Rain, Eaten by Bear

(Malfunction) In a speech before enthusiastic supporters here Vice President Bill Pence pledged to make in rain. In what has evolved as a familiar melody he didn’t say exactly when or where. Colorado is in the midst of a severe drought (since it is a desert and all) and the population continues to tax not only water (DIA suburb fiascos and Brown Clouds be damned) but every other conceivable commodity that used to be sufficient to insulate the cosmic flow.

Well-financed developers, caught with their plump little butts in the DIA Land Grab Scandal that will become old news in days, applauded the left field promise as if it was their own.

Sadly, moments after delivering what many are now calling a posthumous sermon, Pence was attacked and eaten by one of several large black bears marauding Reichstag Trailer Park, named for the original landmark in Berlin, Germany.

“We’ve seen a lot of bears hanging out over there lately but none so brazen as the brute that viciously attacked our beloved vice president. They even ate all the Trump signs.”

Sources on POX News blamed cowardly Democrats for the incident although none were within 10 miles of “the assault on our American way of life by Communists in bear suits.”

– Myrna Guppies-Treblehooke

“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.”

-Greek proverb