GOP Bad Tippers

Despite billions raised for Trump re-election campaign Republicans bad tippers say servers in DC.

Ten percent is almost unheard of, unless the benevolent patrons are drunk or they are trying to impress. They usually pick up the tab in the spotlight then leave little or nothing for the service. The actions are often embarrassing even to their often-flawed children, who too are instructed in the fine art of knife and fork elitism and condescending treatment of wait personnel.

“Where on this menu does it instruct or even remotely suggest I leave money under my saucer?” asked one representative from way out of town. “Leaving money on the table is so crude, so gauche.

“Then on top of it all these self-absorbed twits want separate checks. It’s an endemic infection within the elected species,” chimed in a waitperson from Foggy Bottom. “These are the kind that would pick up a dime off the men’s room floor and immediately bite it to see if it’s made from real silver.”

Social scientists conclude that the tightfisted behavior originated in the governing chambers where Republican congressmen vote to give that legislative body systematic raises, but stop short of supporting an increase in the minimum wage, fair housing postulates and programs for the poor.

“It’s not about the money. It’s about control,” said one Baltimore sociologist. “We see a combination of hoarding and stinginess with a big scoop of privilege (white or other primary colors).  It’s as if they think they are getting one over on the waitperson by not leaving even minimal gratuity.”

Others suffer from Andrew Carnegie Syndrome where they feel compelled to throw a few patriarchal scraps to their underlings just as long as they fully understand the pecking order, avert their gaze, bow their heads and keep to their place.

“Imagine spending less than one percent of your earnings and having them build statues in your honor,” laughed a bartender from Petworth. “That’s a pretty good return on the legacy dollar.”

And of course there are the politicians from simpleton backwaters who just don’t comprehend  the concept of tipping. Here are some curious, though common responses of Republicans when asked what they think of sharing a tip or any perquisites related to dining out:

1. “They get too much already.”

2. “Paying for the food is enough. The service is an expected duty not an add on after the final burp.”

3. “Every sitting member of Congress gets by without tips. Why can’t they?”

4. “Jesus never tipped, even at the Last Supper. It says so in the Bible.”

5. “I’ve seen the restaurant types, these foodie hipsters, these six-top vagabonds in action. They’ll just use the money for drugs.”

Many eateries in the nation’s capital have refused service to GOP patrons and promise to continue to boycott them until they develop a little heart. Landmark restaurants say are still uncertain of what action to take if any, since most don’t expect the Republican Party to survive much past November anyway.

– Kashmir Horseshoe