UN SENDING COOKBOOKS TO SUDAN

In an unprecedented exercise of its humanitarian authority, the United Nations (UN) today announced a massive airlift of over 1,000,000 cookbooks to the continent of Africa.

Melvin Aku Tul Aku, UN High Commissioner for famine relief, outlined the massive assistance initiative this week at the regular brunch meeting of the UN Famine Management Directorate.

“It has become clear to us that the lack of innovative recipes and culinary techniques is a major factor in the African predicament”, Aku Tul Aku said. “The appetizing presentation of various regional foodstuffs, including leftovers, is key to eliminating possible famine in areas lacking such expertise”. UN studies reveal that Sudan is actually nutritionally rich, once you get past the militias and the curious taboos surrounding what is defined as food.

“These food resources are actually quite appropriate for Atkins and South Beach type diets that are widely followed in Europe and North America”, Aku Tul Aku pointed out. He concluded; “A little bit of innovation can make a remarkable difference in the daily lives of these people who insist on living here.”

When asked about the $300,000,000 price tag for the effort, Aku Tul Aku defended the cost as being consistent with the expense of printing separate cookbooks for Christians and Muslims and paying off warlords. Human Rights Watch, an international watchdog group, has expressed concern that the books will not be accompanied by CD’s for victims who can’t read.

“CDs? asked one UN representative. “We are not finished counting each of the grains of rice that are earmarked for Africa. We have to keep records of each disbursement and cannot release the food until we have accomplished what is no small feat.”

Horseshoe Office Condemned

(Pea Green – UPS) In its first use of the new expanded eminent domain authority, the Delta County Commissioners voted this week to initiate condemnation procedures with regard to The San Juan Horseshoe regional distribution center in Pea Green. In a unanimous vote, the Commissioners approved the proposal made by JerCorp-Patriots, Inc., a major regional franchiser of jerky stands. An anonymous source close to the Commissioners explains that in light of a recent Supreme Court decision, it is clear that local governments are free to condemn and seize property as long as there is a “clear public benefit to the action, or if at least some member of the public will benefit from the action.” Such benefits implicitly include personal benefits to public officials, beneficiaries and their political committees as applicable.

“Although we generally oppose this sort of governmental action, in a case such as this, where a newspaper operation will be replaced by a jerky stand, we cannot with a clear conscience argue that public good is not enhanced.” While many local citizens are wildly enthusiastic about the proposed action, we were unable to locate any San Juan Horseshoe readers to comment on the development.