The People’s Quart

(An indicting synopsis of legal goings-on under the friendly green awning of jurisprudence)

The following data is lifted directly from court documents in Town of Jingo, County of Manana, Colorado. The information is released with the approval of principals herein for the benefit of personal freedom and access jurisdiction.

Idarado Mining Company vs. People of Colorado

At this point the saga attorneys for Idarado/Newmont Mining and Milling are just about to present “conclusive and irreversible evidence” that Idarado is not guilty of spilling waste into Bear Creek and therefore not responsible for future cleanups or EPA foreclosures. Instead, they assert, that less than hygienic Hippies swimming in the creek during the 1977 Telluride Bluegrass Festival polluted the water. The lawyers are asking that the court confiscate Bluegrass receipts to identify and prosecute the offenders and stop pointing the finger at the mining industry. Attempts to contact the alleged perpetrators has been slow going since many, almost forty years later, are out selling real estate.

Idarado/Newmont has also blamed for the presence of PCBs, acetone and trichloroethane in local rivers, on local Ute bands, which were forcibly vacated from the premises in 1874. That accusation will be undressed on the federal quart docket in December. A change of venue to the planet Mars is expected.

San Juan Horseshoe vs. Barnacle Media

Can a respectable journalist leave his bar tab to a colleague after death? Publisher and Retired General Horseshoe has gone all the way down to the knuckles on this one. His will, drawn up as a conclusive precedence to what is inevitable, leaves a stunning bar arrangement at Kochevar’s Ballroom in Crested Butte (With all of the privileges and responsibilities of the working press) to Crested Butte News editor Mark Reaman, an occasional sipper. Horseshoe who is still quite warm, claims that the tab options constitute roughly 3 times the value of his estate and thus cancels any advertising fees due the News.   

He has gone on record as saying he would like to the keep the matter out of probate court because “everyone could die of thirst while that institution establishes jurisdiction much less validity over the avowed, albeit spirituous pact.” Reaman was not in quart this morning preferring to journey to Denver to accept a Ski Writer’s Award for penmanship.

Po’ Folk vs. Vail

The more than 300 persons were arrested in Eagle County on Saturday during a Poor People’s March on Vail were arraigned this morning. After promising to subsist and go home the violators were released on two months probation and a fifty-dollar fine that all but 3 refused to pay. Lawyers representing what the tastefully coiffured media are calling The Vail 300 are calling for the immediate release of all prisoners from the Gerald Ford Work and Ski Facility at Beavercreek, where they currently labor making turns, washing towels and picking up trash.

Civil liberties attorneys, who have joined the melee, are seeking an injunction against Vail that would provide for housing and mass transport for the workers in question. Circuit Judge, Oliver Cromwell has pledged to satisfy all concerns by the weekend. The Vail 300 inmates are expected to be moved to the John Elway Minimum Security Trailer Park in Minturn by later today.

“All the answers that I started with turned into questions in the end.” -Alison Kraus