OF IMMEDIATE YULETIDE CONCERN

Santa Caught in Two Places at Once

(Ouray) Santa Claus was seen schmoozing at the Who’s On First Savings and the Citizens Federal on Friday. We could have lived with that if the actions had not occurred simultaneously and had not been observed by the a contingent of preschoolers. According to unreliable sources, the benevolent elf was spotted hosting Christmas parties at the two banks at approximately 2 pm on the aforementioned date.

How could this be?

Shocked parents agreed that if he were going to engage in such questionable behavior he should at least take it out of town. The development adds fuel to the growing fire regarding the actual existence of this Santa Claus person. For years a large number of people claim he isn’t real at all but simply a Christmas cookie of someone’s well oiled imagination.

ELF SAFETY COURSE CANCELED

(Montrose) The annual Elf Safety Course for December has been canceled due to lack of interest on the part of elves. Most of the wee toy makers are far too busy to attend meetings due to a particularly stringent schedule throughout the holidays. Elves, for centuries a symbol of recklessness and rash behavior, have been instructed to attend at least one Saturday safety class, or be deported.

The interim government of the North Pole, with the backing of NATO and the United States, has decreed that all elves pass the course before licenses will be awarded. Elves that disregard this order may face firing squad or be sent to the South Pole for reeducation.

Christmas without caviar?

(Teheran) Pollution and overfishing could wipe out the last of the legendary Russian caviar by 2025 according to sources here in Iran. This Persian nation, second only to Russia in world production of caviar, says its once plentiful sturgeon population has diminished greatly over the past two decades. Caviar is harvested from these same sturgeon mostly in the Caspian Sea, which is now the scene of oil drilling and corporate prospecting. Experts say that with continued abuse the sea will be dead in five years.

It is hoped that wealthy gourmets, who cherish the salty fish eggs as both a delicacy and a status symbol, will step up and put pressure on the oil companies to clean up their act before we are all reduced to wolfing down goose liver pate with our champagne.

Santa Embraces Weight Loss Program

(Crested Butte) Thanks to several Third World diets, Santa expects to lose up to 80 pounds by this time next year. Top aides say their boss, also known as Kris Kringle, Father Christmas and The Red Blob, had often noted that many people in Asia and Africa had little trouble keeping the weight off. After compiling a journal on the subject over the last 100 years he concluded that these folks stay skinny not because of a diet low in saturated fat, but because they have nothing to eat.

“It was getting so I couldn’t tie my socks,” said the elf of his obesity.

“Even the reindeer didn’t want to be seen with me, except after dark.”

In a recently published biography sharing the secrets of his long life, Santa points to low stress, cool weather and no smog as factors affecting the his astounding longevity.

Mistletoe Thriving Despite OSHA Ban

(Ouray) Months after OSHA banned mistletoe use, due to safety concerns the black market is thriving. Sales here in this county alone are triple those of last season. “It just goes to show that you can’t legislate morality,” said one man who asked for anonymity.

“People who didn’t give the curious shrub a second thought before now go out of their way to get it.”

Authorities engaged in the enforcement of the Mistletoe Edicts fear that the situation will become more chronic with bans by the FCC and the USFDA. The AMA has threatened to follow suit as well since things are generally slow around the holidays anyway.

Several species of mistletoe, a parasite, grow in Eurasia and Eastern North America. The sprigs are often used as amorous Christmas decorations.