WOODEN INDIANS APPREHENDED

(Ouray) Police here have concluded a roundup of local wooden Indians who may pose a threat to the peace and prosperity of the community. The often elusive culprits, including the defiant Cruton and his running mate Crow Feather, are in custody as of this morning.

The clever statues have for years been present each day on the street staring at tourists, loitering and otherwise promoting havoc, according to the authorities.

“Last month we received a report that one of the wooden Indians had spit on the street almost hitting the chamber jeep,” said an arresting officer. “Later that same day one of his cronies glared at city workers bust laying new water lines on Main Street. That was enough for a preliminary investigation.”

Meanwhile in upscale Ridgway, police officers remain parked outside of the local bar waiting for wooden Indians to emerge after a few drinks.

“It’s tough to determine who is in violation of the law,” said one officer since the state keeps lowering the legal limit  as to percentage of alcohol in the blood. “These wooden Indian types just stare out of the windshield and say nothing. Why just Tuesday we nailed a suspected drunk who turned out to be dead sober although his blood/sap count was well over the line. – Melvin Toole