TVs for food program progressing nicely say officials

(Yellow Jacket, CO) Residents and visitors alike in Montezuma County are encouraged to trade in their unwanted, used and unsafe televisions for food. A stray cat to the many heralded guns for food programs, this new plan promises discretion, privacy and a fair price for one’s unwanted or unneccessary television set.

For decades social scientists and educators have screamed for television control but lobbyists and money have consistently snuffed out their pleas. But today in a small Colorado county activists have succeeded in getting some 300 dangerous televisions off the streets.

“The gov’ment seems only too happy to ignore us,” said one activist. “They say television is an entertainment  tradition and provides the most sophisticated communication known to man. But we all know that it is the catalyst in the “Numbing of the Nationals”.

The Numbing of the Nationals is a secret gov’ment agenda which calls for the lowering of the IQ some twelve points by 2030 while raising testosterone and diverting significant natural hormones.

“Without television the gov’ment could never pull it off. People would function at a much higher level during evening hours and find that there is better entertainment inside their heads than on the tube,” continued another acutely unreliable source.

Concerned with what they say is approaching French Revolution Levels* and zombie standards in many neighborhoods throughout the country, leaders here shared the common consensus.

“Today television is probably much more harmful than alcohol, drugs or firearms,” said Ashly Toallas-Towel, a pretend county commissar. “If the feds really wanted to control violent behavior they would look toward the TV screen for some answers. Relationships, family, success and yes, handguns are depicted as options of no consequence. TV sends the wrong message plus too many hours gives the viewer a fat ass to boot.” she stressed, wandering about the tiny town selling monogrammed doilies, dumpster items and donuts.

Apparently the status of the targeted television sets is not important. But like a classic weapon exchange certain models will demand more at the grocery. For instance a regular 19-inch color set might bring a bologna-velveta-canned beer menu while an Flatscreen HD set may net groceries for the T-Bone-lobster tail-nice bottle of wine taste.

“We don’t care if they work or not. There’s nothing on worth watching until Bronco season anyway,” said an alleged deputy. “We just want these things out of houses same as we want unhinged gun wavers off the street.”

It is estimated that everyone in the county owns at least two weapons, not counting threatending farm implements and dynamite from the mining days. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

“Here we need our guns for protection from wild animals and the federal government. It’s the televisions we’d like to be rid of,” continued the deputy.

Critics of the program insist that it is just the beginning of “full government control over every aspect of our daily lives.

“Criminals don’t trade in televisions. It’s responsible television owners doing that!” said an unidentified spokesman for the Rocky Mountain  Boob Tube Alliance. “How you gonna watch American Idle or NASCAR without a TV set in your house? What if an intruder forces himself in demanding to watch the five o’clock news? C’mon. Then it will be to late to tune in and you’ll be sorry.”

The relinquished televisions will be destroyed nightly so as not to fall into the hands of terrorists or bankers,” peeped former TV star Melvin Bedwetter Toole, who moved to Yellow Jacket after a career portaying cowboys on the silver screen.

“Local arsenals are inadequate to throw back a gov’ment gone mad anyway, so we might just as well sit down and eat up,” he sighed eyeballing a plate of elk steaks, wild asparagus and smoked kokani. “I myself plan to eash the whoile mess down with a bottle of wine from way over in tropical Paonia.”

In a somewhat related development the United States Congress today announced that it is in unanimous agreement as to the implementation of stricter gun control measures, for the Africa, Australia and the Mideast.

– Susie Compost

*Reminder: The Storming of the Bastille will be reenacted for the 45th years running on Saint Partrick’s Day in the local baptist church and at St Kevin’s Aviary.