WARNING TO ALL CITIZENS

With the holidays upon us local residents and visitors alike are hereby warned that the artsy-craftsy types are out in force and could be working your neighborhood at this very moment. These annoying individuals can even be observed going through the winter garbage in order to satisfy their creative obsessions. Fresh from looting the alleys they will then return to their little hovels and attempt to turn stinky milk cartons into furry little bunnies and even fashion Yuletide headgear from pizza boxes or banana crates.

It’s real bad. And the potters haven’t even began their cyclical counterattacks.

Please watch your coffee grinds since these warped craftspersons will often attempt to reconstruct replicas of ski villages from soggy grinds and bits of aluminum.

Birdhouses are particularly popular, especially within circles of depraved artists who intend to spend the rest of the winter somewhere warm, with your money as a cushion.

To further illustrate our point were you aware that the state of Colorado reported that over 400 traffic signs were stolen between December 1 and December 20 in 2019 alone? Many turned up as pirated lazy susans by New Year’s Eve. The best advice? Withhold all your garbage until after the new year. This way a concerned citizen deprives these parasites of the raw materials necessary to continue the age-old assault on all that is still right and decent within our borders.

If this doesn’t work we suggest a nine-iron at close range. Sure, that’s radical but considering the circumstances…With the cops out patrolling the bars for revelers during the holidays we must take matters into our own hands or soon there will be no garbage left to hand down to our children. Lest we forget, we are all responsible for the trash that we generate until it hits the landfill and that’s the American way.

And a further holiday warning: The heroes over at TSA will be scrutinizing stuffed Christmas stockings in airports through the New Year. According to our source they are looking for bombs and toothpaste. If you are traveling with Christmas stockings or small children be aware that you may be molested by these security personnel, who like the demons of Hades love to stick their pitchforks in the sides of the already tormented.

If given the choice between an eternity at DIA, DFW or LAX or the rest of eternity downstairs in the Netherworld this reporter would opt for the flames.

-Editor