Tyrannosaurus Jim Bob Terrorizes Elk Avenue

Caught Between Japanese Horror Films and the Nightmare of Bud Lite Commercials

2020 Continues to Provide Surprises for Crested Butte

(Crested Butte) A monster the size of a mammoth trophy home continues to prowl Elk Avenue this morning, frightening shoppers and disrupting the cosmic flow. Dubbed Tyrannosaurus Jim Bob by local jokesters the lizard-hipped intruder resembles the much-feared carnivore Tyrannosaurus Rex, from bygone days.

Local lizard experts say the monster probably emerged from Lost Lake because that sounds about right and matches up with the Jurassic  cross-references “as well as anything else” . Other scientists, on the scene since the dinosaur’s arrival on Monday, say he might have crawled out from local sewers or even from under the melted snow. They blamed residents who often bring back baby lizards as pets from Florida then flush them down the toilet after a few weeks. Either way, the monster is here and everyone wants him out.

When asked why anyone would keep a baby alligator around town for even two weeks the source said she did not know.

“Keep in mind, we’re dealing with a creature with a brain the size of a walnut,” said one deputy sheriff, “and I’m not talking about a government official here. All the years of Free Ski

The giant lizard that has created panic in this normally tranquil burgh has been blamed for the disappearance of countless deer and elk but may have tempered the town’s growing bear problem.

didn’t prepare my department for this kind of duty.”

“What are we going to do if he’s still lurking by Christmas?” asked one parade organizer. “We’ve tried to lure him over Kebler with prehistoric treats. We’ve tried to have him towed away. We’ve even subjected him to hours of The Tamburinda Trio*, but he’s still here.”

In just three days Jim Bob has overshadowed both the World’s Largest Elk and even Princess Vail herself. If the pace continues he will emerge as far more notable than both Pike’s Peak and the Garden of the Clods near the holy city of Colorado Springs.

He’s right up there with the Denver Broncos,” said one stool jockey.

Denver TV news professionals, who at first called the entire episode a hoax, were eaten for breakfast (SUVs an all) by Jim Bob earlier today much to the chagrin of proprietor of Soupcon, who had laid out a substantial brunch for the giant lizard.

“We had a massive feast prepared for the ungrateful freak up Washington Gulch,” according to a spokesman for the eatery. “But I guess when a dinosaur is hungry for fresh meat he will not be denied.”

Already many summer events in the town appear in jeopardy. One source with the Crested Butte Arts Festival has announced plans to combine that event with a quickstep Crested Butte Dinosaur Days celebration featuring Brontosaurus on a stick and the traditional Pterodactyl pie.

“We may have to move our arts and crafts booths over to Sopris or Maroon if he continues his preference for Elk,” she said. “His tail alone could create havoc with our electrical hook-ups and that says nothing of the pooper scooper dilemma.”

Local biologists insist that Jim Bob is simply in town searching for a suitable mate and that if he finds one he will return to the wilderness. Teams are scouring the Petrified Tourist Arches and the Edith Bunker National Forest for signs of a female Tyrannosaurus. So far they have had no luck although one local lady has offered to meet Jim Bob for a drink.

The situation has gone from bad to worse. Just last night Jim Bob was observed attempting to seduce a 65-foot RV over on Teocalli. After about an hour of suggestive traversing, the thing tipped over, instantly ending the romance and terrifying the inmates, an elderly couple from Kansas.

Architectural watchdog, BOZO, has filed a lien on the reptile saying that Jim Bob fails to adhere to building specifications. Authorities, beside themselves over the incident, hope that the dinosaur could get caught up in red tape and thus be forced to comply with the town’s many ordinances.

“Either that or we appeal to his sense of good taste and historical precedence,” said one officer.

Biologists at the Rocky Mountain Flowers and Marmots Laboratory at Gothic insist that the giant lizard is on a mission. They feel it has something to due with the dinosaur soup bones unearthed from a vacant lot adjacent to the Talk of the Town Tavern on Elk.

Most of the region’s cool heads concluded that the animal must be trapped and be sentenced to ten days in the Gunnison Jail plus 40 hours of public service. No time or date has been set for compliance deadlines and the serving of warrants. Just exactly how the who and where  cards will be played is still up in the air.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

*said the drunks over at the bar