Toole To Attempt Pantyhose Crossing of Black Canyon

(Montrose) Enlightened daredevil, Melvin Toole, will once again attempt to traverse the mighty Black Canyon but this time he’ll be employing a lifeline made from pantyhose.

The tightrope of sorts, strung between a western observation point and a well-grounded picnic table on the east side, has been fabricated by the discarded undergarments, most of which were recently liberated from local second-hand shops and the local dump (landfill).

According to aides, it his imperative that the material be strung ultra-tight so as to avoid bowing and dangerous slack spots. A fall from this altitude would spell trouble for the 101 -year-old who once crossed the San Miguel River with an infinitesimal, strap-on beanie turbine windmill hat in 2011.

“That was a close call,” explained Toole, reaching out to us all from his doublewide overlooking the glaciers of Tierra del Fuego. “I didn’t have the proper torque but a tail wind came up and glided me to the other bank. Damn good thing my team had the big girl pantyhose stretched across the park’s cavity notch.”

Later in 1983 Toole successfully negotiated a crash landing onto Pea Green Grange Hall wearing nothing but high-top Gene Taylors and a parachute. Sadly, the ripcord failed at the last minute and the aviator landed in an organic onion field plot just inches from his target.

The Department if the Interior, which has sanctioned the event, will be selling tickets. An assortment of elk cheeses and prairie dog sausage, as well as a glass of sagebrush wine are included with admission price.

This could be the last major jump by Toole but, according to supporters, if he makes it across without incident he may try going back the other direction in 2021.

– Dolores Alegria