Toole named sixth man

(Mañana, CO) Editor Abstemious Melvin “I Never Said That” Toole was named Sixth Man today, narrowly winning out over some 200 qualified personages applying for the work in a tough economy. The position, which could start as early as next week, effectively sentences the piquant scribe to what insiders call coming off the bench.

“We do not know what this Sixth Man will do or won’t do,” said a close aide, “but our man Toole is up for the challenge.”

The undisclosed salary and signing bonus are estimated to be more than half that of the starters and twice that of the average salary in the Land of the Free in 2012. Toole, who has waited in the wings before, told reporters he is excited about his new role and, with this opportunity, hopes to break into the starting lineup before long.

A rhythmic base stealer, nose tackle and epicurean rebounder since graduating from Police State, back before harnessed electricity, the 101-year-old represents an innovative breed of specialty performer and ignites the hopes and dreams of older Americans who still seek to compete in the eternal arena.

“We don’t think his academic record had much to do with this appointment,” said the aide. “It was more a result of his willingness to jump in and fill holes while looking good in a cap and clipboard. His potential as a dugout jockey has yet to be realized.”

Toole has admitted that he has no clue as to the context of the Sixth Man status but that it was “certainly a step up from Seventh Man”.

“The job description is still not clear and we hope that basic responsibilities and duties will become more defined at the end of camp,” said a spokesman. “Either way it’s quite an accomplishment.” – Gabby Haze