Texas losing elevation again

(Dalhart, TX — Metric Socialist Press — October , 2016)

With the return of the fortunate few to the humid flatlands, the great state of Texas is losing vertical space. As seasonal residents and tourists, who only months prior sought to escape the blazing heat, slowly trickle back home the Lone Star State is seeing its lowest altitude levels since mid-May.

The laws of physics quickly come into play with these drastic population shifts or when a lot of dead weight is absent for any length of time. This additional load obviously dictates distance from the ground as well as from the heavens. Adversely, horizontal increases are almost undetectable while the earth absorbs the extra mass, growing more and more substantial as the general population embraces obesity.

“Our planet is the constant gardener, paying close attention and adjusting for its parasitic population,” said Efram Pennywhistle of the Dalhart Observatory. “These minimal statistics may not mean much over a year or so but after hundreds of years the land shows the wear. Elevation shifts are not particularly beneficial to anyone and can cause faults, cirques, seismic anxiety and even volcanic activity.”

While Texas has no known volcanoes there are innumerable examples of soil and surface abuse all over the state. Rivers may look the same but they are not. Lakes will overflow their banks, but just a bit. Livestock fine-tunes footing, house trailers sink, oilrigs modify, traffic patterns are distorted. People may notice their cars parked at a different angle than the night before.

The distinction does not affect pine beetles, roaches or wharf rats, destructive species that, unlike the government, have their own checks and balances firmly in place.

The vertical void is expected to remain until about May 15 when the stress of the population is decreased due to movement to the mountains and industrial summer escapes.

“The utter weight of ATVs, boats RVs methodically hauled up to the Rockies has an impact on those piles of rock too, but it is not anywhere near as dangerous as the sinking motion that we see in the lower regions. We don’t know how our measuring stick would react if they just came up here themselves without all the motorized accessories.”

Rocks prove to be tough when it comes to accommodating the cyclic burden and the geophysics in play are far more stable even though the mountains are constantly shedding pieces of themselves.

“While it is common knowledge that if Colorado could be flattened out it would be far larger than Texas,” laughed Pennywhistle. “At this time no one has the technology to iron the place and if someone did they would probably face a slew of bureaucratic environmental restrictions.”

Politicians in Texas continue to deny the existence of elevation change while other groups pray that the end of the world is still some months off, or maybe not until next summer.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”
– Mark Twain