TEXAS BIGGER THAN ALASKA – WCSU GEOGRAPHY DEPT.
M. Toole | Mar 11, 2021 | Comments 0
Composted by Western Colorado State University Snooze Services
The state of Texas is about three hundred yards larger than the state of Alaska according to a study completed by the Western Geography Department in 2018. The findings, which conflict with a long held belief to the contrary, surfaced after extensive study in the area of shoreline erosion and ice pack statistics. The news was received with great jubilation in the Lone Star State while response in Alaska was less than enthusiastic.
“We think that it’s about time someone corrected these misinterpretations of natural law,” said a source in downtown Boyd (Texas). “For years we have suffered irreparable psychological and emotional damage by having to live with this cruel lie.”
From Juneau one legislator spat, “What do these kids know anyway! Most of them couldn’t find their way to Denver on a clear day.”
A leading news source up north, The Juneau What, echoed these sentiments, warning that Alaska has far more bear than any state and “knows how to use them”.
“The animals that have been encouraged to eat Texans will now see expanded menu items that include tourists from Western Colorado this summer. How these bruins have survived on berries is a miracle in itself but they too must get their protein,” said Jeff Brown, of the prestigious Cal Polygamy Cartoon Clinic, on loan to the What.
In addition to these stark findings, the geography department has determined that the Pacific Ocean is far wetter than the Atlantic and that, of all the locales in North America, the topographic realities of the city of Grand Junction most resemble the lunar surface.
A source within the geography department told The Horseshoe that his colleagues would stand fast on the findings no matter how controversial this whole sideshow becomes.
“We were as surprised as anyone when these facts emerged,” she said, “and pleased with all the donations earmarked for further study that have been arriving from Texas since the weekend.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
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