All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

WHISKER CUT-OFF LOOMS

(Gunnison) The final deadline to begin seeding new growth winter beards is Friday, December 27 according to the Colorado Division of Facial Hair in Denver. This includes goatees, pork chop sideburns, ducktails and shanties but not mustaches.

Although considered overly strict by neighboring states and commonwealths, the beard legislation, passed last year after intense lobbying by shaving cream companies, the razor consortium and lots of little kids who object to kissing their stubbly dads, brothers, uncles and grandfathers.

“We don’t feel we have the right to dictate the presence of a mustache in one’s own home, especially in the male population,” said Martin Dilemma, a former barber, sheep sheerer and herbage advocate from Lake City. “As so far as other hair legislation goes, we will hold the line in 2014!”

Dilemma, celebrated as an eccentric, often appears at town meetings and public hangings in a streaked mohair suit with camel tooth gloves, alligator hair shoes and a lavender sheepskin peruke accented with the tail feathers from a local magpie.

“And that’s in July,” said one rebellious beautician who specializes in radical facial plumage at Netty’s Coiffures and Body Piercing here. “Why can’t these people let the citizenry be responsible for mowing its own lawn, so to speak?”

Already local watchdogs report 43 new beards started Monday with an expected 50 or more getting off the ground by the weekend. Authorities warn that once a beard begins, it stays until July 4.

“No exceptions will be made. Beard lovers have had the entire hunting season to walk around looking like winos without anyone gawking at them. Now it’s time to shave or get off the pot!”

– Princess Irm Peawit

FBI To Investigate Broken Campaign Promises

(Washington) The Federal Bureau of Investigation has penciled in an assortment of raids aimed at prosecuting politicians suspected of reneging on campaign promises.

Following the most recent elections the law enforcement branch has logged countless complaints from citizens as to abuses from the podium to the social arena. Since 1980 the FBI has been compiling endless reams of video tape featuring politicians in the heat of campaigning. It now appears a strike is imminent.

Armed with clear evidence of outright lying and insider misrepresentation the FBI admits that it will not be able to investigate every complaint. Instead it will focus on the heart of exploitation from the White House to the Congress.

“We can’t bust every two-bit politician who’s promised his constituency that he will slay the dragon for them,” explained one FBI agent. “We’d have to build more jails or legalize more drugs to make room for the new inmates.”

Operating on the age-old adage that if his/her mouth moves he/she is lying the FBI is conscious of red flag behavior such as baby kissing, mindless glad-handing and pork barrel appointments. In addition fiscal records have been confiscated where heavy-handed special interests have contributed vast sums to a candidate.

“A politician’s benefactors want something back for their money and we’ll be on the lookout for good-old-boy-ism and cronyism in Washington. Hopefully it will send a message to all the jerkwater charlatans holding office across this great land that we mean business.”

Breaking political promises is lying but if the poltroon electorate doesn’t wise up that sociopathic behavior will continue to flourish as part of our dilapidated system.

“The uninformed voter is a danger to himself and others,” said the source. “That’s why these parasites continue to get elected.”

– Melvin O’Toole

Police Report

The bothersome DesPLants family, often the subject of this posting, is on an all-inclusive prison farm vacation this month and earned no mention in this current street report of crime in the region. In the absence of these felons we will concentrate on other criminal activity without them.

Montrose: Mrs Paul fined $1000 for illegal fishing on the lower Uncompahgre.. The citation sites Paul’s hostility to authorities and resisting arrest pushes the infraction to an aggravated felony which could net the fish stick princess 5 years in “the maximum security aquarium” according to the Division of Wildlife. Paul, along with several other fish stick barons were netted and taken to a holding tank until the day’s catch could be estimated. Her fleet is currently the victim of a controlled burn in Dry Creek.

Gunnison: Ronald McDonald and grease rival (the) Burger King were arrested for fighting outside of a local bar at closing time. While the clown suffered a severely shredded nose and hair loss, the king was hospitalized due to what alliterate police called “a baffling blitzkrieg of bites and bruises about the neck an shoulders.” This morning the king reported that his crown, knocked askew during the shuffle was likely stolen by a fellow drunkard at the scene of the altercation. Both fast food giants are due in quart Monday for arraignment.

Colona: An unidentified woman forced her way into the old schoolhouse, completely disrupting the Miss Colona Pageant, scattering hay, cat feces and bits of colorful polyester all the way to Ridgway. The assailant, identified as Ruthie Roosterson was despondent at the county’s seizure of the over 70 cats residing at her trailer. After the dust cleared Roosterson posted the minimum bet of Crazy Horse in the fifth and was released into the custody of her better judgment. Her trailer will be dynamited to disperse the cats.

Ridgway: In what appears to be an attempt to keep up with more famous crime-ridden resorts in the neighborhood, a group of idle residents here has taken to planting poison ivy and marijuana in the town park. The cultivation of weeds and herbs is strictly forbidden here despite recently released figures suggesting benefits of certain cultivation under state supervision. The statistics, accumulated by by over 300 economists confirmed that the federal gov’ment could save $13.7 billion on prohibition enforcement costs and gain tax revenue by legalizing pot. The poison ivy, while not for consumption, has been found to be an effective repellent for tourists who trample the lawn and overtax services throughout the summer months. Police have made over no arrests. Suspects, if there were any could be held in a heated barn on Dallas Divide until these developments can be sorted out.

Lake City: Mary Magdelino, a winter intern attached to the Freedonian Embassy, was detained briefly for tax evasion, spitting on the street, mail fraud, drunk driving, dogs at large, soliciting magazine subscriptions without a permit, assault on a bus driver and conspiracy to split green firewood. After a laborious strip search it was discovered that the 280-pound weightlifter possessed an eagle feather, a felony in Colorado. Magdelino has pleaded innocent to the splitting charges and claims self-defense in the spitting charges claiming that her false teeth were possessed by the devil..

Montrose: Old Man (Ernesto) McGill was indicted today for black market sausage making in the Shavano Valley. The all-male jury also found McGill guilty of pirating meat software, cutting firewood without a permit, hoarding sauerkraut, driving a ’53 Chevy in a 55 zone, and rebroadcasting or other use of the play-by-play descriptions of a Rockies’ game without express written consent. He is expected to appeal on the basis of temporary insanity.

Crested Butte: A gargantuan food fight, sponsored by local restaurants to bring tourists to town, quickly got out of control as competitors pelted police and passersby. For blocks everything was covered in six to eight feet of food. After the deluge, as a purple Rocky Mountain evening fell, most buildings, cars, signs, streets, curbs, sewers and revelers had been hauled off to undisclosed spots by bands of marauding Galician pirates. It is hoped that order will return as soon as authorities can acquisition police vehicles from Gunnison and get a stone marshal’s office flown in from Denver.

– Jack Spratt

In Europe Controversy Over Sport of Dwarf-Tossing

British Clubgoers Vie to Cast A 4-Foot-4 Man Farthest

EDENBRIDGE, England – When Vera Squarcialupi first heard that some people in Britain were practicing a sport called dwarf-throwing she thought it must be a joke.  “I just rejected it,” says the former member of the European Parliament.

Once she was convinced it was true, Ms. Squarcialupi, an Italian Communist, introduced a proposal that condemns competitions where ‘particularly robust men’ prove their strength by “throwing a person of restricted growth, i.e. a dwarf, as far as possible.”  And she isn’t alone in objecting: Members of Britain’s Parliament and groups for the handicapped have also protested.

Dwarf throwing contests are said to have originated in Australia as part of a competition between nightclub bouncers.   In Europe, dwarf-throwing has taken place only in England and involves just one willing dwarf.  But even if the practice isn’t widespread, it is creating considerable controversy.  “It’s appalling that such a practice would be considered entertainment in this day and age,” says John Hannam, a British M.P. Ms. Squarcialupi adds, “This is a new form of exploitation, using a human being as an object.”

Dwarf-rights groups say the sport is dangerous and demeaning. “If this were black-people-throwing or paraplegic-throwing, people would be horrified,” says Pam Rutt, the acting chairman of the Association for Research into Restricted Growth and herself a dwarf.  “It’s nothing less than freak-show entertainment.”

COMEDY ACT

But to Danny Bamford, the promoter who organized dwarf-throwing contests in England, it is just good fun.  “People say it’s degrading,” says Mr. Bamford, a wisecracking former welterweight boxer with bleached-blond shoulder-length hair.  “But it allows the little fellow to show he can go out and be someone.”

The little fellow is Lenny the Giant, a 4-foot-4-inch, 98-pound dwarf. (Lenny, after checking with Mr. Bamford, declines to give his family name. “Just call him Lenny Bamford,” says his manager.)  Lenny and Mr. Bamford are part of a four-man comedy act called the Oddballs.

As Mr. Bamford attached leather belts around Lenny’s hips and shoulders the manager keeps up a lively patter.

“Lenny, have you been hurt?”

“No.”

“Is it fun?”

“Yes.”

THE CONTEST BEGINS

Mr. Bamford peers out through the smoke toward the audience. “There’s been some controversy about dwarf-throwing,” he shouts at the crowd.  “But twist Lenny’s ear and he’ll tell you it’s been a lot of fun and he’s met a lot of people.  All right who wants to throw the dwarf?”

Each contestant picks Lenny up by his harness and-while the laughing, hard-drinking crowd screams, “one, two, THREE” – swings him underhanded onto a pile of mattresses.  Lenny lies motionless while the toss is measured, then bounces up and acknowledges the cheers and laughter with a grin, ready for the next throw.

The Edenbridge contest is won by Jim Clark, a postal clerk from nearby Bexley Heath, with a toss that is well shy of the English record of 12 feet, 5 inches.  “A lot if people say it’s easy,” Mr. Bamford says by way of explanation from the mediocre performance, “but when you’ve got (98 pounds) if dead weight…”

Ms. Rutt says that this is dangerous, regardless of how far Lenny is thrown.  Dwarfism, a hormonal imbalance restricting growth can be caused by a number of medical conditions, also involves a spinal disorder.  Dwarfs like Lenny risk serious injury from jarring or twisting, she says, adding “He could end up in a wheelchair.”

But Lenny doesn’t seem worried.  Talking after the show in a makeshift dressing room crowded with drunken, middle-aged women seeking autographs, he says his training in karate and judo has prepared him for the sport.

Lenny seems out of place in this seedy milieu.  Well-dressed and eager to please, he times and again offers to get drinks for a visitor and graciously gives a seat to one of the teetering autograph seekers.  The 29-year-old emigrated with his family from India 20 years ago, and still lives with his mother.  Before joining the Oddballs, he worked in a factory making circuit boards for personal computers.

He professes to enjoy being thrown and says those who criticize the sport do so out of ignorance.  “I don’t know how they can say they think it’s wrong when they haven’t even seen the show.” he says.  Mr. Bamford pipes in, “It was Lenny’s idea, and as soon as he says he doesn’t want to do it anymore, we won’t do it.”

Mr. Clark, who had the winning toss at Edenbridge, wonders what all the fuss is about.  “It’s just a bit of fun that’s not detrimental to anyone,” he says.  “The little chap is a professional entertainer and if he’s happy with the arrangement and is getting paid for it, then it’s okay with me.  He’s not drugged or anything.”  (Lenny makes an average of about $72 a night for the Oddballs act.)

Ms. Rutt sees it differently.  Even if Lenny is happy with his job, dwarf-tossing “perpetuates the image of dwarfs as non-people, as freaks, as something weird,” she says.  Besides, “If people get the idea that dwarf-tossing is all the rage and just for fun,: she says, “thugs and drunks on the street at night will say, “Hey, let’s go throw some dwarfs.”

Like Lenny, many dwarfs today still make their living in the entertainment business as circus performers, comedians or actors.  But while dwarf entertainers capitalize on their unusual condition, critics point out that they at least use skills-something not necessary for being a human projectile.

Notwithstanding the criticism, the practice could be spreading.  A bar in Chicago plans to start holding contests this month.  And if Mr. Bamford has his way, dwarf-tossing will spread even further.  He wants to stage a world championship next year, after holding national contests in Finland, Italy, Germany and the U.S.  He also plans to take four dwarfs and the English winner down under to challenge the “Australian champion.”

His plans may come to naught, however.  For one thing, the manager of the Australian bar where dwarf-tossing is said to have begun says the bar won’t hold any more contests, partly because the novelty has worn off.  For another, the outcry might be great enough to get the practice stopped in Britain.

Lenny, however, says he hopes to continue being thrown “if the protesters don’t stop it.  It’s fun.  And” – he casts a questioning glance at Mr. Bamford as if seeking approval – “it’s your job.”

-Paul Hemp

Staff Reporter of The WALL STREET JOURNAL

Skis Must Include Warning Label

(Crested Butte) All skis and snowboards manufactured after 2013 must display a mandatory label notifying winter sports enthusiasts of the potential hazards intrinsic to the employment of the athletic devices. The ruling came down after  an upsurge in lawsuits claiming that manufacturers were acting irresponsibly by not informing patrons of dangers inherent to regular use of their products.

“The age of common sense has once again eluded us,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), sponsor of the legislation. “It is surely sad that people can’t police themselves on the slopes or standing in a bucket of water in body armor while playing with electrical outlets. Natural selection has gone the way of the buffalo but unlike the recovery of that great mammal it has yet to make a comeback. Precedent has been set. Idiots have been awarded millions of dollars due to their own stupidity and we don’t want to see the struggling ski industry be further tapped. Insurance premiums are high enough.”

The warning signs must be prominently displayed on the front of both skis. Federal inspectors will begin random checks in January. It is still not clear if boots and poles will be included in the restrictive measures.

“We have all seen the harm that can result after a day spent in tight ski boots,” continued Noise, “and the damage inflicted with ski poles can be devastating. Ski rental shops take full responsibility with regards to bindings but nobody is undressing the chronic problem of boards on the snow. This is when your gov’ment must step in and protect you. Thank your lucky stars for the gov’ment, heh?”

Already rules and regulations have been plastered on every lift and lift ticket in an attempt to insulate against legal actions. Cautions as to skiing out of bounds and or changing weather conditions have become routine since the early days of ski areas.

“Caveats have been rendered and now it’s up to the people and snowboarders to embrace accountability,” said the senator.

In a related story Congress has issued new guidelines leavened with statutes relevant to mattresses and dog owners. As of next year all bed manufacturers must display a caution tag informing sleepers that getting out of bed can be dangerous. In the canine sector, all dogs must exhibit collar warnings as to the  possibility of bites, gluttony or jumping up on an unsuspecting bystander.

“This goes beyond the traditional mattress removal laws and humane society recommendations,” he spat. “Shall the police visit the boudoir? Shall inspections be concurrent with doggy’s morning ritual?

According to preliminary canons, parties who fail to fully cooperate with government directives will be shot.

– Avery Gallant

ESPM RELEASES WINTER SPORTS SCHEDULE

(New Jork) The whirled’s largest sports network will present a host of new programs starting this winter. Standouts include women’s street lacrosse and regatta competitions as well as tried and true features like celebrity raft excursions and jail bait bass fishing. All will be seen in original full length with complimentary simulcasts in Spanish and French. Here are some highlights with brief synopsis:

Ancient Mariner Hurricane Regatta

For nine weeks running, ESPM has filmed brave men and women who insist on sailing in near-death conditions and riding out hurricanes far from dry land. Although footage is particularly marred by the swirl of high winds and cracking masts the bare-boned desire of salty rivalries more than makes up for the quality of the audio. During the pilot series over 30 boats, and as many daredevil sailors, were lost at sea. The segment was rescued from the cutting room floor after a leading pain relief concern jumped on board with eleventh hour sponsorship. The regatta is expected to run through December, when the winds die down and pick up again in August. Offseason broadcasts will center on Puritan fruit drying and the history of tobacco planting in Tidewater Virginia compliments of the Mystery Channel.

Insomniac Women’s Street Lacrosse

Need a little simulated contact to put you to sleep? Tune into the ESPM’s newest costume drama. Well-documented women athletes go at it for three periods on rollerblades, armed with rocket pocket lacrosse sticks  and mace. The winner is determined not only by final score but by style and grace. Most of the competitions are presented live which certainly adds to the suspense at that often dark time of the day. The popularity of the sport is catching on like wildfire with three leagues operating in the US alone. Burghs like Waterloo and Winnemucca have already extorted funds from the local population to build gaping stadiums “the size of a Texas Nascar racetrack.” Sponsored by the maker of a prominent pain relief formula street lacrosse is sure to catch on with disaffected roller derby fans and maybe pull in a few football fans unhappy with non-violent safety curbs recently imposed by that sport.

Celebrity Raft Excursions II

Although very little information has been released about this anxiously awaited feature, most people in the industry agree it is just a remake of Celebrity Raft Excursions I. Executives at ESPM have been ultra-secretive and reluctant to share details and product research findings while insiders are laughing up their sleeve at a “concocted fan base made up of overweight couch dwellers who have no lives and subsist on the behavior of others to create their own empty psyche.” Details of upcoming shows are scant but we do know that the first episode involves a randomly selected audience member enjoying a three week respite on the Coral Sea with four half-starved World War II Japanese naval veterans. In early December viewers may thrill to the exploits of a celebrity rafting crew made up of Rush Limbaugh, Nancy Pelosi, Liz Cheney, the British Petroleum dancers and the ashes urn reputedly holding the remains of deceased senator, Ted Kennedy. Due to the overburden weight the craft will be coupled with a large wooden dingy once used on the set of Mulligan’s Island. Then, nearer to the holidays, ESPM travels to death row at the Tennessee State Penitentiary for a roundtable discussion on recreational water craft safety.

Waco Joe’s Jail Bait Bass Fishing

Every Saturday world famous sport fisherman Waco Joe will be chronicled as he goes bass fishing with very young girls in scanty bathing suits. 56-year-old Joe, a retired submariner, attempts to teach his crew the right way to nail a bass. Filmed in Louisiana with subtitles. Sponsored by Clearasil Ointment and a major pain relief manufacturer.

Big news…

at ESPM is the adoption of instant replay color analysis practiced by broadcasters on the air. In what is called a sophisticated approach to sports sharing the network will present two sets of broadcasting teams, one housed in the main press booth and another, comprised of educated jocks and idiomatic experts placed in a surreptitious spot somewhere in the given complex with powerful field glasses and svelte monitoring equipment. As one might expect the second pair is in place to critique the first in the genres of proper speech, attire, contrived body language and use of mindless and monotonous cliches. The appraisals will be made after every time out of inning change. Mistakes will be dealt with harshly and often result in terminations despite the often king-size egos of the deposed.