Police Report

The bothersome DesPLants family, often the subject of this posting, is on an all-inclusive prison farm vacation this month and earned no mention in this current street report of crime in the region. In the absence of these felons we will concentrate on other criminal activity without them.


Montrose: Mrs Paul fined $1000 for illegal fishing on the lower Uncompahgre.. The citation sites Paul’s hostility to authorities and resisting arrest pushes the infraction to an aggravated felony which could net the fish stick princess 5 years in “the maximum security aquarium” according to the Division of Wildlife. Paul, along with several other fish stick barons were netted and taken to a holding tank until the day’s catch could be estimated. Her fleet is currently the victim of a controlled burn in Dry Creek.


Gunnison: Ronald McDonald and grease rival (the) Burger King were arrested for fighting outside of a local bar at closing time. While the clown suffered a severely shredded nose and hair loss, the king was hospitalized due to what alliterate police called “a baffling blitzkrieg of bites and bruises about the neck an shoulders.” This morning the king reported that his crown, knocked askew during the shuffle was likely stolen by a fellow drunkard at the scene of the altercation. Both fast food giants are due in quart Monday for arraignment.


Colona: An unidentified woman forced her way into the old schoolhouse, completely disrupting the Miss Colona Pageant, scattering hay, cat feces and bits of colorful polyester all the way to Ridgway. The assailant, identified as Ruthie Roosterson was despondent at the county’s seizure of the over 70 cats residing at her trailer. After the dust cleared Roosterson posted the minimum bet of Crazy Horse in the fifth and was released into the custody of her better judgment. Her trailer will be dynamited to disperse the cats.


Ridgway: In what appears to be an attempt to keep up with more famous crime-ridden resorts in the neighborhood, a group of idle residents here has taken to planting poison ivy and marijuana in the town park. The cultivation of weeds and herbs is strictly forbidden here despite recently released figures suggesting benefits of certain cultivation under state supervision. The statistics, accumulated by by over 300 economists confirmed that the federal gov’ment could save $13.7 billion on prohibition enforcement costs and gain tax revenue by legalizing pot. The poison ivy, while not for consumption, has been found to be an effective repellent for tourists who trample the lawn and overtax services throughout the summer months. Police have made over no arrests. Suspects, if there were any could be held in a heated barn on Dallas Divide until these developments can be sorted out.


Lake City: Mary Magdelino, a winter intern attached to the Freedonian Embassy, was detained briefly for tax evasion, spitting on the street, mail fraud, drunk driving, dogs at large, soliciting magazine subscriptions without a permit, assault on a bus driver and conspiracy to split green firewood. After a laborious strip search it was discovered that the 280-pound weightlifter possessed an eagle feather, a felony in Colorado. Magdelino has pleaded innocent to the splitting charges and claims self-defense in the spitting charges claiming that her false teeth were possessed by the devil..


Montrose: Old Man (Ernesto) McGill was indicted today for black market sausage making in the Shavano Valley. The all-male jury also found McGill guilty of pirating meat software, cutting firewood without a permit, hoarding sauerkraut, driving a ’53 Chevy in a 55 zone, and rebroadcasting or other use of the play-by-play descriptions of a Rockies’ game without express written consent. He is expected to appeal on the basis of temporary insanity.


Crested Butte: A gargantuan food fight, sponsored by local restaurants to bring tourists to town, quickly got out of control as competitors pelted police and passersby. For blocks everything was covered in six to eight feet of food. After the deluge, as a purple Rocky Mountain evening fell, most buildings, cars, signs, streets, curbs, sewers and revelers had been hauled off to undisclosed spots by bands of marauding Galician pirates. It is hoped that order will return as soon as authorities can acquisition police vehicles from Gunnison and get a stone marshal’s office flown in from Denver.

– Jack Spratt


Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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