All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM
Old MacDonald had a farm
EE-I-EE-I-OH
And on that farm he owed some cash
EE-I-EE-I-OH
For equipment here
For the spring seed there
Here a buck
There a buck
Everywhere just rotten luck.
Old MacDonald kept his farm
EE-I-EE-I-OH
And on his farm there came the bank
EE-I-EE-I-OH
With a “Pay me now”
Or we’ll take the plow.
Harsh debates
Broken gates
Higher interest rates.
Old MacDonald saved his farm
EE-I-EE-I-OH
And in the town he ran a tab
EE-I-EE-I-Oh
With a dollar there and I’ll pay next year
Profit to the middleman
Farms an also ran.
Old MacDonald gives up hope
EE-I-EE-I-OH
His last chance is you and me
With our gadgets, can’t you see
For the fields we care no more
All wrapped up at the grocery store
Old MacDonald’s farm is sold
EE-I-EE-I-OH
Corporation here…corporation there
Build cheap condos quick
Land is money…Ain’t we slick?
We’ll grow food up on the moon
EE_I_EE_I_OH
UNDER THE TREE 2013
Or you could give them a lion…
UROLOGIC BOW TIE – The key here is size and the Urologic Bow Tie is purposely out of proportion. It’s so small it makes everything else seem much larger. Microscopic tie clasp and cuff-links sold separately. No implants but minor surgery required. Gift certificates available. St. Roscoe’s Hospital and the Mao Clinic. About $400.
ASSAULT SNOWBOARD – Is there someone on your Christmas list who takes his winter sports seriously? This snowboard is glazed with a mercury-based oleo concoction that assures immediate takeoff. Restraint device attaches directly to the brain for one’s ultimate safety. Stores easily in any large refrigerator unit. Complete with prescribed storm trooper’s footwear, this board is all one needs to carve out a chunk of territory on the slopes. Buy one this year before the feds ban these babies too. For sale at Sub Kulchure’s and all Yo Dude Stores in Wimpton and Manana. $499.
DANIELLE STEEL COMPANION READER – Do you know someone who has a tough time getting through anything longer than a menu? This reader presents setting, plot, characters and lavish wardrobes in simple, easy to read one syllable words. From the outside it looks like a regular book, but when it is opened up the larger than life letters jump right out at you as do the full color renditions of significant scenes. Comes with CD or cassette support. Buckhorn Books in Ouray and Bookworm in Gunnison. $25.
THE NEIGHBOR’S SILVERWARE – This is not only a very innovative approach to Christmas, but it reeks of subtle frugality. When choosing the proper heist make sure all the stuff matches and is clean. A gift box for the spoons, knives, forks and other pieces can be fashioned from an rectangle jewelry box, which can often be located in an upstairs bedroom. As with many of the more creative hands-on Christmas gifts, the silverware concept can vary. Many people prefer to present the utensils in an oak or pine box with a felt liner, while other more utilitarian benefactors simply wrap the merchandise in some newspaper and be done with it. Available right next door or down the block. Free unless…
TWINKIE CAR PHONE/DECORATIVE CANDLE ENGINE HEATER Security is the name of the game these days and this kit is sure to confuse the car thief or the back seat driver. The phone mounts right to the dash, looking like a discarded Twinkie. The engine heater candle fits right under the oil pan and ignites when the temperatures drop below zero. What a gift for the motor head. Coming in January: The Trash Bag Car Stereo, a cleverly disguised audio system that appears to be nothing more than a litter bag. It even has a quart of milk and coffee grinds sticking out of the top for affect. All Reefer Madness Boutiques, Sal’s Used Sox, Closed for Breakfast Cafe and Vampire Auto in Malfunction. $129.99.
CLOSING TIME COLOGNE – Radiate the seedy side of life. This perfume doesn’t attract much of anything, since the recipient of this gift will smell like a stale, smokey bar. Why spend all that money trying to be somebody? Now you can achieve that loathsome odor right in your own bathroom! Comes in pint or quart for overkill. About $90 in the lotion section of your favorite liquor store. Sorry: No sales over the bar.
REMOTE-CONTROL EGGPLANT PERUKE – Just like the ones worn by our founding fathers. With this fine addition bad hair days will be a thing of the past. Fits most heads and even stays in place during high winds and other periods of natural disaster or mental anxiety. Made of 100% Canadian eggplant fiber with built-in remote control that keeps locks in place. Organically pleasing too. $500 exclusively at Mike’s Market in Montrose.
ATM CLUB – This handy device keeps crooks at bay while making a cash withdrawal. Fits firmly over ATM machine just like the one on your steering wheel. Endorsed by real policemen and people who dress like them. Detects bad intentions after dark. Most effective when used with large caliber pistol or mace. $75.00. Mail order only.
VAMPIRE NIGHT LIGHT – Got a kid on your list who’s afraid of the dark? Buy them this reasonably priced gift and scare the hell out of them over the holidays. Protruding eyes follow movement and blood drips from the fangs. Plugs easily into any electrical outlet via easy access bat collar. Hums popular Christmas carols in Transylvanian. This stocking stuffer sells for a mere $5 and may be worth more. Baaaahaaaaahhhaaaaaaa….!!
DUST MITE TERRARIUM AND PERSONALIZED COFFEE CUP – Remind someone on your Christmas list that we are not here alone. Includes millions of busy dust mites in simulated dust particle enclosure. Lid features radioactive microscope certain to detect the behavior of tiny mites at work and at play. The coffee cup displays a large dust mite on both sides and is engraved with the name of the recipient. Give the gift that says you gave a gift this year. $150 at Mighty Mites and all Bugsy Boop’s Boutiques.
SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who usually wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2014!
ICE CLIMBING VINE – Just like the one covering the outfield walls at Wrigley Field! Fast-growing, this incredible bit of vegetation will survive in the harshest of climatic conditions. Needing little or no sun the vine crawls its way up any icy surface. It’s a fine gift for the ice climber or botanical enthusiast on the way to the top. Sold at OBrien’s Pub and Box Canyon Motel. Price depends on maturity.
MOTRIM MODEM – Just dial the right number and your headache takes a powder. From the people who brought you Target Eye Massage Field Glasses. About $100.
DEAD DICTATORS SING CHRISTMAS TUNES – This wonderful CD represents a tasteful mix of Yuletide favorites. Included are Joe Stalin, Papa Doc Duvalier, Anastasio Somoza, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon and others. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Nikita Krushchev’s rendition of Deck the Halls backed up by the Fidel Castro Quartet. $16.95 where specialty music is sold. English version slightly higher.
ˇ -Kashmir Horseshoe
Santa Could Break Own Record
(North Poll) The legendary elf could break his own record in 2014; in fact the experts are calling for him to do just that.
The standing record for delivery of toys to children over the entire globe is 22 hours, 19 minutes and 8 assorted seconds. That was set in 1981. Since then delivery times have fluctuated between 25 and 30 hours due in part to sleigh malfunctions, increased air traffic and chronic distraction on the part of elves and reindeer.
“The help have always been there for us but times are changing,” said Claus. The old lady thinks part of the problem with the sleighs is due to sabotage.
But thanks to the implementation of chimney scanners, Yule radar and the relaxation of VIP visas, many experts are predicting that a new record, one under 22 minutes, could be set in 2013.
During the years 1980 through 1985 the Santa Team had trouble getting parts for an all-new Japanese fleet of high-compression sleighs. Santa told us he couldn’t even get his sleigh off the ground in 1983 due to a mechanic’s strike and had to make deliveries in a pickup.
Another year the Turkish border authorities wouldn’t let me into the country because of my alleged Greek ancestry (My father could have been from Moldavia, Cyprus or Tashkent, I don’t know).
“If we can suspend hostilities on the 24th Santa can get in and out in no time at all,” said an elf named Gandalf. “Our instant replay capacities are splintered when there are bullets in the air and they will be used for sizes and color disparities only. Rumored plans to introduce armed guards to the mix were vehemently denied by everyone up here.
Santa has come under criticism for “tedious and haphazard tracking” methods, using plots to determine progress when cameras might do the job much easier.
Gandalf is quick to disagree.
“We’ve survived for centuries without big brother electronic eye following us around. It’s tough enough landing 8 tiny reindeer and a sleigh on an icy roof without the paparazzi jockeying for space.” – Susie Compost
LOCAL WOMAN SELLS HUSBAND ON E-BAY
(Montrose) What started out as a joke has turned a tidy profit for a local woman who successfully sold her husband on E-Bay yesterday. In the first ever documented sale of a human on the internet, Susie Compost, of Dry Creek Estates, sold Herb Compost, her husband of 33 years, to a Racine, Wisconsin woman for an undisclosed sum.
According to Compost’s sister, Martha Duckworthe of Olathe, the whole thing started out quite innocently and quickly steamrolled.
“We were sitting around playing with the computer my son got for Christmas when Susie suggested we make a list of non-essential household items that we might sell on E-Bay. We had planned a trip to Las Vegas in March and would be able to use any cash we might gain from these transactions on the crap tables.”
The two women started making a list of kitchen appliances and unused furniture stored out in the garage.
“Then I thought of Herb,” said Duckworthe. “Susie had been complaining about him over the holidays and I jokingly suggested we include his name on the roster,” she smiled. “What was amazing is that she jumped on the idea.”
After about an hour an extensive list with Herb on the top was formulated.
“We thought the measure would send a message to Herb that he had better get his act together if he wanted to continue to live with Susie,” said Martha. “But the more we thought about it…maybe he would sell. Including a photo of him when he was 25 we forwarded our data to the web source and waited.”
The first day the two sold a pine coffee table and some hand-painted napkins from Branson. Then nothing the next day. By Friday, figuring the sale had run its course, they prepared to lower some prices when they got an offer on Compost’s husband as well as some glazed outdoor furniture once used in a John Wayne movie.
“We thought someone was playing games but when they agreed to the asking price on the furniture we reconsidered and began negotiating on Herb,” said Duckworthe. “After just moments the sale was completed. Arrangements were made to ship the merchandise and Herb was notified of his departure time.”
Both women told reporters that Herb just stared into the carpet.
“I think it ‘s safe to say their relationship had tempered over the years and when Susie saw that he would not protest she figured it was no real loss anyway,” said the sister.
As might be expected an anonymous busybody got wind of the livestock transaction and complained to the authorities saying that the sale of a person over the internet was quite illegal and constituted nothing more than common slavery.
By then it was too late and everyone involved seemed happy enough. The sisters could now go to Las Vegas and Herb had even wrote (the first letter in 32 years) to say he was enjoying Lake Michigan.
Hopefully these goings-on won’t set a precedent with the uncontrollable urge to sell one’s family members down the river.
“In the 21st Century we have stimuli at work not to be believed just 50 years ago,” said Armando Silte, a freelance-sociologist working in Pea Green. “Let’s face it: Humans are the renewable resource and there are lots of us to buy and sell. Talk about a brave, new world…Why would someone in their right mind want to sell a perfectly good ottoman or an antique toaster if the market in primate perishables heats up?”
– Susie Compost
TOOLE DRINKS FIFTH BEFORE HOUSE PANEL
(Washington) Downgraded cardboard billionaire Melvin Toole has covered his country’s delinquent debt to the United Nations, it was disclosed in quart this afternoon. Toole, appearing before Judge Harold Airbag on a series of dog-at-large infractions, wrote a personal check the outstanding amount, estimated to be three billion dollars.
“Upon further investigation we found out that these United States still owed money to the United Kingdom, the United Arab Republic, United Airlines, The League of Nations ($35 in flowers for George Clemenceau’s funeral, 1929), The National League and an assortment of exotic liquor companies.
“That’s why I’m drinking in your quartroom,” he sparked. I just got a letter from the IRS. Drinking steadies my nerves.”
Short Astral Peek
If you were born today: Your snow tires could be under a great deal of pressure this month. Show a little understanding. Designate a daily worry hour and stick to it. Expect canned meats to go on sale by the 15th. Santa Claus is real while you are not. A chimney made of wood cannot stand. Keep your chin up: They make a cream for missile toe. Just because you are constantly talking to yourself doesn’t mean you know what you are talking about. Jupiter is taking far too long in the bathroom – go check on him. The county will spray for pests this month – prepare to defend yourself! Going out on a limb could make a monkey of you