All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

STUDENT BODY AMONG NATION’S CLEAN CUT

(Harvard-on-Tomichi  School Daze  September 12, 2016)

The current enrollment at Western State College is among the nation’s elite, at least in one catagory. According to a just published report in College Material, a self-described guide for prospective scholastic icons, Western State students finished just under those at William and Mary in the magazine’s Most Clean Cut rankings.

Other colleges and universities listed in the black with regards to general cleanliness and purity included Oral Roberts University, Pepperdine, Georgetown, BYU, North Dakota Teacher’s, West Point, Sarah Lawrence, New Hebron Barber College, the Air Force Academy, the Naval Academy and Brown. Those mentioned at the bottom of the roster were Cal Berkley, NYU, University of Wisconsin, Fresno Embalming State, Yale, University of Nevada Las Vegas, Fort Lewis College and the University of Colorado.

Judgment was based on such considerations as personal hygiene, body piercing, hair length, adherence to current fashion, automobiles, taste in partners, recreational pursuits and diet. Agricultural schools, including culinary institutes were not included in the poll.

Here student reaction was mixed with one freshman saying that he thought the standing gave the school more credibility and the rest of the student body slightly embarrassed.

“We’re trying to be as hip as possible and shed this clean cut image,” offered one coed. “It’s just difficult haround here with all the positive influences.”

Another college senior, who said he burned all his ties and adopted a surly attitude while a sophomore, told The Horseshoe that their was nothing avant garde about a little dirt under the fingernails or a mop of greasy hair.

“At the same time I can’t recall very many of the world’s great thinkers posed in the bathtub,” he mused, “with the possible exception of Jean Paul Marat, and we all know what happened to him, or do we?”

– Susie Compost

Highway Patrol, Handing Out Souvenirs of Colorado

Colorado Highway Patrol officers will be handing out expensive souvenirs of the Rocky Mountain State into the fall, it was disclosed today. The mementos, with a street value of up to $16,000, are commemorative of alcohol levels and bad decisions.

Motorists deemed to be under the influence of alcohol can purchase these custom keepsakes out on the highway or at any police station. They can often get their tickets punches simply by slamming a few beers then driving around. The mementos (often called DUIs) are locally produced and authentic replicas of the justice system that is in place to protect us from ourselves.

Visitors wishing to obtain a souvenir of this type are reminded that a long, continual relationship may be forged with local police and their computers. Consumer advocates strongly suggest that guests show some smarts and purchase a nice T-shirt or a photo of elk mating forgoing the more committal packages available on our roadways.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Fracking releases dangerous levels of THC

(Nebraska, OK — Baa Baa White Sheep — Sept 10, 2016)

Fracking for oil in this region threatens to upset fragile and ancient Tetrahydrocannabinol beds existing symbiotically with local oil shale. The “contaminated” layers of herbal plant life stretch for thousands of square miles below the surface of the earth. Despite the popularity of fracking, particular among mentally challenged, this potential release of THC has people around here scared to death.

The volatile THC beds have existed under Nebraska and Oklahoma as well as parts of Kansas, Wyoming and Utah for centuries. For decades many elected leaders have been aware of this rare, potentially explosive geological formation. Most prefer not to talk about it, leaving the condition buried under mounds of soil and minerals employed to build infrastructure, insulate lifestyles and grow crops without incident.

Extractions of cannabis have been used since BC by a host of progressive cultures for an assortment of maladies. Fracking was invented only recently to prop up the days-are-numbered, destructive fossil fuel culture which makes men rich at the expense of other men and Mother Earth.

“Whatever the corporate pirates are telling us is bullshit,” according to the North Dakota Journal of Medicine. “They convince the unlearned that everything is safe and that they will make money too if they simply turn their heads, go along and don’t make a fuss.

“All the THC in the sky and on earth is less harmful than the cancer producing remnants of this dangerous exploration procedure,” said Orem Schneller, spokesman for Legal Pot, a consumer education council with offices at border crossings into the Red State of Things. “Americans as usual are concerned about the wrong things. They are told marijuana is bad and tracking is harmless. Both are lies.”

Persons are risk include the righteous, the hateful and frightened. They ain’t coming for your guns fool. But they be com in’ for your Social Security! Americans need to wake up and dissolve sitting Congress.

Meanwhile politicians and clergy continue to warn constituencies as to the inherent dangers of smoking pot, as well as thinking for themselves.

With the THC deposits are buried the mummies of pagans, demons and probably witches according to spiritual and civic bosses here. At present no one has ventured a guess as to the complications that may arise from this clash of these two parallel, yet distinct ant hills.

Persons afraid of marijuana should not smoke it. Persons living in fracking areas should not think, breath or drink anything not fermented for at least 16 – 20 hours after minimal exposure to shifting sands.*

Despite these warnings Corporpot, Puff-Mart, THC Bell and McReefer’s are expected to begin packaging and selling cannabis by spring. A full fledged public relations campaign is in the works to convince people pot (like tobacco and alcohol) is safe. The move has been accelerated of late, especially in light of the recent non-aggression pact signed by AMA -NRA.
for more please see Bong Voyage Losers on Fractured Opinion

*If this faint and embalmed description of frightened humans includes you or a family member please send hair and saliva sample to Tar Sands Medical Unit #611, Myopic Plaza West, Suite 6, Border-of-Virtue, ND.

Colorado Nails Another Hemp First

(Mañana – September 9, 2016) Colorado is expected to reach another national first on cannabis today when state agriculture officials show off the first domestic certified hemp seeds. The Colorado Department of Agriculture has been working years to produce hemp seeds that consistently produce plants low enough in the chemical THC to qualify as hemp and not its intoxicating cousin, marijuana.

Congress authorized hemp production in 2014. But farmers who want to grow it must have state certification to raise the crop. The industry estimates that fewer than 7,000 acres are being grown nationwide this year. Colorado is the first state to certify hemp seed, which means the seed has been proven to be genetically pure.

How all of this washes with evil giants like Monsanto Corporation and other genetically altered pirates is anyone’s guess. These companies have been making shrouded moves so as to position themselves to act when the country catches up with itself on the long overdue overhaul of our drug laws.

Outhouse tours in Alaska

Poster by Jeff Brown in Real Alaska Magazine

Trump, Hillary to employ shift

(Campaign, IL — Fleecing Flock Tribune — September 7, 2016)

In a turn away from workaday partisan politics, both Presidential candidates are employing “the shift” on each other and on millions of mystified American voters. First introduced by defenses on the professional baseball diamond, the shift moves players around in a non-traditional manner to best make use of computer-generated data on each hitter in a simulated situation.

Democrat Hillary Clinton will still have Bill out in right field but many of her top advisors and political hacks will find themselves hugging the line or stuck out behind second base when left-wing rhetoric is on the mound. Donald Trump will make use of a host of rookies (most veterans have abandoned him and his hair) in his attempt to choke off the long ball. Trump himself will be housed in the visitors’ dugout, gagged and handcuffed until the season is concluded.

Meanwhile, the American people “who deserve the government they get” gape on the sideline or in the light beer line. The Republicans want to make America Great while the Democrats want to extend the Obama legacy. The voters, many of whom sleep in on Election Day, just want to be told what to do and when to do it, here in the Land of the Free. The Dumbing of America has not only arrived but it has been welcomed.

Neither candidate has advanced a platform that undresses the pandemic problems of economic disparity, bad schools, corporate welfare, global warming, the Medical-Insurance-Pharmaceutical Complex, the crumbling infrastructure, the chaos of the Middle East, immigration or the chronic loss of everyday kindness that plagues the nation. As puffed up reflections of our sad society Hillary and Trump just move their mouths and the same old tired words march out.

“The shift was introduced to utilize statistics gathered on each player,” said Rocky Flats the manager and chief executive of the Nattering Nabobs, a Raton, New Mexico farm team. “If he pulls the ball or has had success hitting to the opposite field we move players around the diamond to compensate for strengths and weaknesses. It’s the same with elections only the repositioning is accomplished by the super delegates, the television networks and the people who actually run the country.”

Meanwhile the tax paying public gets screwed according to Flats who added that it appears