All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
WHY CAN’T DOW FEED THE BEAR?
(Ouray) They feed the deer and elk when the snow’s up to their arses so why can’t the Division of Wildlife feed the black bear? Is there some secret that we civilians have not considered or has the possibility not been explored? Are they short of berries too?
Every year bear have to be destroyed when they venture into RV magic poodle lands, alleys and town garbage dumps. Hey, the bruins aren’t looking to start trouble. They don’t want to show up spiffy at your autumn barbecue to socialize. They’d rather slide in after everyone else has gone home to clean up the mess. They don’t want to rub elbows with people. They just want a snack.
Lots of snacks as it works out.
Right now bear need to put on enough weight to stop Oprah Winfrey mid-sentence. They are on deadline to add enough flab to make it through the hibernation time. Well there’s just not enough natural forage out there in the rain-choked forests. In addition, bear are curious and enjoy a trip into town in early morning and the evening.
Grub and a stroll. Now who would fault these fury monsters for that? THE TRANQUILIZER? Couldn’t the tag-happy DOW drop food a safe distance outside town sites and detour the bear before they get into trouble? We’re sure there are countless by-the-book reasons but lettuce proceed…
The other approach is to continue to take target practice on mischievous bears in trees who would probably wander back into the woods sooner or later if people would simply let them be. DOW marksmen shoot the bear with tranquilizer darts that put them to sleep and, at least in theory, do no harm to the animal.
Unfortunately the beasts didn’t read the small print. They soon nod out and fall from their perch like a bag of rocks often breaking their necks. They then have to be destroyed. All in a day’s work?
All we’re asking for here is a few dead cows, a helicopter load of apples and a handful of magic beans.
In closing, be advised that wearing bells and clanging pans to prevent contact with hungry bear in the wilds has been found to be less than effective if one is carrying aromatic foods such as trail mix or peanut butter sandwiches. The concept of puffing up and waving arms to make oneself appear larger than life in the event a confrontation with a bear is also of equal impact. Rule of thumb: If you want to keep your thumbs (and the rest of your hide) avoid fish-based eau de cologne and/or honey flavored shampoo when in bear country, which is most likely your own backyard.
– Rocky Flats
Washington May Change Name
(Seattle) Nothing against George, but the state of Washington is seriously considering a name change. Concerned about the negative association with the other, more fouled up Washington, leaders in the Evergreen State have succeeded in getting the proposal on the November ballot.
Among the ideas for a new name are Columbia, Cascade, Olympia, Chinook, Rainier and Yakima. One splinter group off another splinter group that seeks to join Canada, has proposed to name the state Juan de Fuca, after a Spanish explorer who claimed present day Washington for Spain in 1775. Critics say that name would open the door to all kinds of off-color jokes.
Located in the Northwestern United States, far from the shores of the Potomac, Washington just might pull off this daring coup. At press time it looks doubtful that the United States, already up to its hips in foreign entanglements, will send troops to quell the semantic disruptions.
“First we thought about all-out secession but it didn’t work out so well for the South 140 years ago,” said Abraham Grande-Coulee, self-appointed patriarch of the movement. “Then we thought about joining up with Canada but they’re so British, with the Queen and all, you know. Our Irish-American contingent would never go for that one. Finally it was agreed upon that we would stay where we are in a political sense and distance ourselves linguistically from the imperialists on the East Coast.”
Grande-Coulee went on to express concern that peoples in other nations might confuse mountainous, forested Washington state with flat, barren Washington DC.
“In the days of a shrinking planet we don’t need that kind of public relations image,” he said.
Federal sources say they’ll take a wait and see approach to the development despite fears that other “at risk” states might join in the fray. Already New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota have expressed passing interest in a name change.
“We can understand that the people there want their own name and not something already taken,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-MA). “To some it would appear that the name Washington was chosen as an afterthought, out of a hat as it were. Maybe they’ll decide on Jefferson. He was nice.” -Melvin O’Toole
Inventor of Beanie Weenies squashed by cement truck
(Cimarron) The headline says it all and, although there were no eye-witnesses, conjecture has it that 98-year-old Abdule “Mickey” Silkworme should have been a little quicker on his feet. At least he should have had the where-with-all to outrun a slow-moving cement truck.
Just moments after the impact, Silkworme was scooped off Highway 50 and delivered to St. Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital at Montrose. The driver of the truck, suspected in connection with hit-and-run charges, since he was not anywhere to be found, was not identified.
Labor issues between weenies and baked beans have exploded of late over equal pay and a 35-hour work week. Dog-and-Bean attorneys for the popular food concerns say “corporate responsibility does not end with canning” and admitted that a exclusive diet of beanie weenies may lead to serious health issues down the road.
“How many concrete trucks could there have been in the vicinity at the time of the crash,” asked a local deputy. “We’ll find the person responsible and pull his plug.”
Silkworme is expected to survive (since nobody dies in Horseshoe news stories). Relatives expressed relief saying they had already pulled the tab on his tin coffin and were expecting a tidy inheritance by the weekend.”
– Sir Otis of Liver
Where coffee is king!
Three caballeros enjoy conversing with a morning cup of the best coffee on earth in Jardin, Colombia. The small town is located south of Medellin in the Andes Mountains. Coffee fincas dot the surrounding hills and cafes are everywhere. (Photo by DeLinda Austin)
Impending garbage strike a boon for black bear
(Manana) A threatened garbage strike, coupled with unseasonably warm weather, could cause black bears to get out of bed long before fully embracing hibernation cycle.
Workers who have yet to set a date for the work stoppage are striking for higher wages and benefits they say were promised two years ago. The move is aimed at large garbage collection companies with the mom and pop trash companies falling through the cracks.
“We expect to be busy and to acquire some new clients, especially when the garbage builds up and they are forced to drive to the dump,” said the owner of Dupree Debris Rubbish, which first started picking up their neighbors’ refuse back in 1980.
Town officials hope to settle the matter before further action takes place. The local populace is mixed on how to react and who is to blame for the potential interruption of this basic service.
“It’s a health issue we’re talking about here,” said one garbage executive from his office somewhere on the East Coast. “These unions will be the scourges of us all. It is clear that outside agitators are at work, probably liberals.”
Many bear have reportedly been stockpiling crude primitive burglary tools for an all out assault on what could be overflowing garbage receptacles, crippled by the shear magnitude of it all. Talents honed during the long months of “hibernation” could leave militias and law enforcement vulnerable in the face of hungry bear.
The animals are just looking for a snack before bed,” said one biologist. “Frankly they may be doing us a favor dining in this peculiar manner. What else are we going to do with all the accumulating trash?”
– Suzie Compost
Next: Bear-proof trash receptacles even you can open
Trump’s Mane Quit Paris Accords
In a curious departure from previous editorial policy The San Juan Horseshoe wades into the surreal world of our treasured plutocracy, with Mickey Mouse ineptitude and Goofy dogma chipping away at our lifelines..
With Trump as our hair-brained conductor, the United States has pulled the curtain on the world stage, waltzing off a roster of long-legged dance cards. Trans Pacific Trade Partners, UNESCO and the Paris Accords are just a few.
But why is the world’s most prominent republic falling off the diplomatic onion cart? One answer can be found within. A lazy, poorly informed populace, victims of bad schools and eager to glorify stupidity are easily distracted by the chief executives’ crudeness. They fear foreigners and immigrants but cannot even speak their own language properly.
This charade belies the real agenda – making the rich richer while giving the poor the boot (See goose-stepping).
Most world leaders cannot get past his hideous golden locks, which have been described in a host of languages as pseudo-haute, vainly common, maladroit and petit-gauche. In Europe he is seen as greedy narcissist. Most people in the Mideast believe he is wearing a toupee, while those in South America contend that Trump is a man without heart and soul but plenty of unfounded ego.
And these are his friends.
“In less than a year he has redefined our country’s image in the world, which quite candidly, already needed a serious makeover after years at the bully pulpit,” said a recently fired cabinet appointee. “The man has no intellect, no humor, no compassion that I know of. In the Trump in the White House denial is the agenda, coal is king and the world is flat.”
Rather than defend Trump, former advisor Steve Bannon echoed these observations, adding that “Donald is not worthy of the Oval Office but I am.”
World leaders such as Angela Merkel appear willing to sit out the next few years and deal with the next president rather than cow-towing to Trump. When asked to comment she simply threw up her hands and laughed, then cried.
“It appears only too obvious that our band leader cannot read a lick of music.” said Ted Nuggent, a staunch supporter, “But I like his style.”
Another musical devotee, KISS frontman Gene Simmons agrees with the limp metaphor adding that Trump had promised to shake things up, but he always tees off first then waves at his constituents in the rear view mirror of his golf cart.
Bronco executive, John Elway, continues in his Republican stance, noting, however, that the now defunct Trump University has yet to put a player in the NFL.
Perhaps the only world leader that had anything nice to say about the president was Vladimir Putin who disclosed, “I like him well enough. He reminds me of Leon Trotsky in a red tie, or better yet Peter the Great sans wit.”
For a related story please turn to:
Trump accused of self-groping
Accusations mount as a reflexive president points finger at others.
