All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Proof: Vietnamese are really Coon Asses too
Political comment in Hoi An?
Food – Not Bombs Bill Killed in House
(Warshington) A controversial Food Not Bombs bill was staunchly defeated in the House today, empowering hawks and leaving sponsors in dismay. In a nutshell the bill would have replaced weaponry with bread.
Although the details were sketchy going in the program would run along the lines of the successful Marshal Plan adopted following the isolation of Berlin in 1946. Instead of dropping bombs the US Air Force would food in rubber bales that would bounce, thus not demolishing at impact on the ground.
USA would be clearly marked on the packages of food wit the hopes that hungry people would see who was feeding them and who was just whistling Dixie in the theater of foreign aid.
“Ain’t no money in feeding people for free,” said a congressman from Kentucky.
“War is profitable.”
Supporters of the bill argue that morally is not the issue here. They insist it is much cheaper to feed people than bomb them with much more desirable results down the road. They add that there are slimmer provisions for corruption and graft. Plus it could be good for our farmers.
“What is this whistling Dixie?”asked a Russian observer attached to the House of Representatives. “We say fart in the cold. Is this the same idea?”
Meanwhile the Corps of Engineers, bridge builders extraordinaire, continues with plans to construct a concrete bridge from Washington to the Great Midwest in hopes of developing a dialogue and maybe encourage cultural exchanges.
Many American farmers. often subsidized by the gov’mernt for not growing food, have long been wary of federal programs wondering aloud who’s knocking down the bowling pins in this program.
“We figure if they’re giving us a shovel of easy money they must be making a truckload,’ said Slim Brennan-Zappa, a dental floss magnate from Germantown, Ohio.
Chubby Bunnies Support Group Sets Agenda
Montrose will be the hub for a new non-profit community support group aiming to serve the needs of an at risk community that has only recently discovered their at-riskness.
The group, calling themselves Chubby Bunnies, has formed in response to the notable rise in numbers of noticeably rotund vegetarians rolling through western slope farmers’ markets and organic grocery stores. The highest numbers of these porky veggers have been found in small, trendy mountain towns locally and, not surprisingly, throughout the infamously enlightened North Fork area.
Chubby Bunnies’ Executive Director Hope N. Goodwill offered the following background:
“Chubby Bunnies came together because many of us, like me, thoroughly enlightened, self-sacrificing, community oriented people who have chosen to save the planet by shunning meat at meal-time, have also faced the terrifying reality of waking up one day as a pre-menopausal vegetarian who has exploded to four times her pre-vegetarian dress size. Believe me, all you can think of at that horrific moment when you finally look in the mirror and come to terms with an unfamiliar super-sized no-meat you, is, ‘how could it be? I’m a vegetarian!'”
The trend from enlightenment to too-much-of-a-good-thing is not confined to Montrose, as many do-gooders across the nation are suffering the image busting truth of too many taters. A member of the Chubby Bunnies support group who has desperately begged to remain anonymous, put the pain of her journey this way:
“I basically ate every single food item known to man that was not meat. And usually six times more of it than I used to in order to take my mind off of steak. While I became a vegetarian out of a desire to do good in the world, once I realized that most of my favorite comfort foods had nothing to do with meat, I became a monster. I just kept telling myself, ‘Go ahead, grab another three helpings of mashed potatoes and gravy. Eat mac n cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner every Thursday. Baklava? Ha! Bring it on! I am a vegetarian. I am immune to fat.’ Those of us who have joined Chubby Bunnies are beginning to deal with the stark truth that vegetarians are, actually, not immune to fat.”
Without being asked for comment, local Cattlemen’s Association president Louis L’Amour remarked to a group of old men at the truck stop diner that “there’s not one good reason to be a vegetarian if you’re going to be fat. All them Chubby Bunnies ought to just go back to eating ribs and bacon again and forget about this business once and for all.”
More information about Chubby Bunnie support services, including the Grants-for-Granola project, can be found by visiting the Chubbie Bunnies main office, located conveniently above the Stone Cold Creamery in Montrose, or by calling 1-800-NoMoreCheese, or by visiting online at www.peelonelesspotatoe.org.
Lina Baqure
Bighorn Sheep Blocking Traffic
(Ouray CO) First it was the deer eating local gardens, then it was the elk loitering around the town’s hockey rink, then it was the chipmunks stealing horses. Now it’s the bighorn sheep who have gotten into the act.
Some say it is only instict at work. Others insist it is wanton sabotage of the existing social order in the Rockies.
Since the first snowfall of the winter, city mandarins have tried everything to discourage local bighorn sheep from blocking traffic on Main Street during rush hour. Attempts at solving the problem have included free passes (next summer) to the hot springs pool for all sheep, discounts at local restaurants and even an open invitation to bingo night at the local Elks Club.
“Sure, it was cute in the beginning when the sheep started showing up all over town,” said Raymond Markey, a former mayoral candidate who has more than 50 years experience in animal control. “When they had a problem with loafing in the mine, they’d simply hand a man his walking papers. I think we should just fire all those sheep found to be sandbagging. That should send a clear message to the rest of them.”
Markey added that he had nothing personal against the animals wanting to get out every so often.
“It’s not like they’re panhandling or washing windshields to buy another bottle of wine,” he laughed. “The problem is that they have nothing else to do. They don’t even have cable TV. Believe me,” he continued, “I can empathize with the beasts. Winters do tend to drag on in this country.”
-Suzie Compost
“A device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.” – Fred Allen, on television, 1952.
Lizard Petroglyphs Suggest Mesa Verde a Hoax
(Cortez, CO — Conquistador Caves — January 14, 2017)
The famous Ancient Cliff Dwellings and the presence of humans in a communal city built into the mountain, is pure fantasy according to crude petroglyphs carved into the dark cave walls in these mountains. The roughly hewn etchings that predate man give crude proof that the Anasazi may have been out of town from 700 – 1100 AD and not the residents of cliff colonies.
What’s even more amazing is that scientists believe the drawings are the work of dinosaurs!
Detailed scale model murals clearly show the same location in 500 AD and there was nothing there. Again in 1000 AD teams swarmed about the area detecting nothing. Photos show nothing was there, not even a fry bread booth, not even a gas station.
Individual dinosaurs themselves echo the same sad refrain:
“The Ancient Ones are said
to have used this place for bed
but if we’d know for certain
we would have pulled the curtain.
If those little Anasazi
were out there running ‘round
we’d have eaten them fo’ dinner
No damn artifacts be found.”
(Apologies, but dinosaurs and lizards in general are known for their foul mouths and we are dedicated to being as historically authentic as the laws allow. The dinosaur drawings in caves near Serpent Mound in the Miami Valley of Ohio are quite definitive in recognizing Buckeye Anasazi sons-of-bitches that lived there in 1000 AD, which sheds negative light as to the validity, and the surmised existence of the Western branch of the family. )
In a related piece he first annual Contest to Rename Cortez has two semi-finalists: Hagert and Billy Holiday Village. Now instead of a murderer we can have a singer. The final ballot is slated for early August. Only Montezuma and Dolores County residents may vote.
“In a flood it pays to be tall.” – Philosopher Ming Linh Sang, to Melvin Toolulu , Quang Nam Province, January 12, 2017
