All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Supreme Quart bans Democrats and Republicans
(Washington) The United States Supreme Quart voted unanimously today to ban Republicans and Democrats from these North American shores.
Despite the decision that disallows the use of the longtime labels in public life, the former party affiliates will have until October to remove their elephants, donkeys, banners, straw hats, slogans, bumper stickers, lapel buttons, fund-raising machines, campaign offices and inspired supporters from the country or face imprisonment.
Otherwise the verdict is effective immediately.
Saying the political parties are an obstruction to democracy and true voter choice, the lawmakers concluded that both of the pork barrel entities were extremely wasteful, expensive and arrogant. They further warned that graft and corruption were rampant at all levels of politicizing within both hierarchies.
“These scalawags are quick to quote the Constitution, perform puppeteer feats and find the little pea clam shows (colorful diversions) for their constituencies while lining their own pockets,” said the highest court in the land. “They are destructive to our hard-won freedoms and what is left of our plutocrat republic. Most never even read the proposed bills that lopsidedly land on their desks. We fear that many have not read the Bill of Rights either.”
Three of the justices went on to say that forbidding these special interests from conducting business on American soil may curtail the downward spiral in the quality of life enjoyed here.
The exclusion of the country’s two most influential political entities is sure to leave a void that the dark robes hope to fill with broken promises, scandals and hand waving common to the disgraced politicians.
It was not clear how the action would affect lucrative Congressional health and retirement status, or lobbying opportunities for retired legislative loungers.
“We expect to see more political parties on the ballot in 2018 and a healthy number of potential registrants by 2020,” said one justice. “Although this suspends the current methods of bureaucratic vote counting over a hot fire it should steer the electorate away from mindless lever pulling in the booth.
Democrats and Republicans expressed bipartisan shock at such swift action saying they do not enjoy such expediency in Congressional chambers. They say they won’t take the affront sitting down.
“We’ll bet on the greed and apathy of our countrymen to put us back in the driver’s seat pretty damn quick,” said one party standout. “We’ll just change our names to Whigs or Know-Nothings and be back in our limos before you can say Henry Clay.”
– Rufus Maxwell
Bad rosin bags blamed for losses
(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late that have left the club reeling. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured.
Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or loading up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”
– Tony Perez
GOP Takes Mulligan on Health Care Bill
Despite arm twisting by leaders in the Republican controlled House and Senate and threats made by the Tweeter President, the Congress is expected to take a mulligan on health care reform in 2017.
Whether it is a “must” or “provisional” mulligan the result is still much the same since the action is a result of a bad shot off the tee in the first place.
Falling short of admitting defeat Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that taking a mulligan is a simple safety net that allows participants to “redefine the their stance and level out the playing field.
“We will not redefine the rules or fudge on our scorecards,” said the Speaker, “but rather expand the fairway and sink a long putt or two for the betterment of all Americans.”
Critics of the action say the entire repeal effort is masked in the burning desire to give the rich a tax break while cutting existing medical benefits for the people who need them the most. Some within the lawmaking body have gone so far as to call the proposed legislation “evil and fraudulent”.
The last time the governing body took a mulligan was back in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency. Ike, a voracious linkster had finished 18 scorching holes scoring a scandalous 12 below par. Lawmakers had then settled on a mulligan out of respect for the Commander in Chief.
– Ragamuffin Man
Ridgway Implements 3 mph Speed Limit
The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a three-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the local post office.
Responding to safety and quality of life concerns, the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.
No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of rush hour traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of labor and higher wages promised in the high country.
With more cars comes more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, along with turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. The old main street has been cosmetically realigned to accommodate more business and services.
“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has such a low mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they just will go away.”
One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel. Meanwhile state officals secretly hope Ridgway will just go away.
“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.
The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.
– Small Mouth Bess
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Indians Gearing Up For Final Thrust
(Wounded Knee — Taholah (Washington) Times — July 17, 2017)
Thousands of Native Americans, donned in war paint, are massing for one final assault into the heartland of White America. Warriors from the Lakota, Ute, Comanche, Nez Perce and Apache Nations made of the bulk of the force.
Rumors circulating many western state capitals warn that the group may have access to nuclear weapons and that they plan to recover the land that was taken from them beginning in the 1600s.
“We’ve been planning this maneuver since around 1890,’ said a tribal spokesman. “The government figured we’d cease to exist or assimilate along the way. Neither has turned out to be true.”
Sources here on the Quinault Reservation are predicting victories in Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana thanks to an engrained knowledge of the terrain. In Wyoming, Colorado Utah and New Mexico, the elevation is the Indian ally as warriors swoop down on the visiting flatland armies with the might of the Great Spirit in their tomahawks, according to a press release.
“We will refrain from the European practice of taking scalps and will not harm anyone who surrenders,” said the source. “Then with control of the high country we can repel and counteroffensive by the forces of Manifest Destiny. They must remember: We might have “the big one” stashed in our wigwam or under a loincloth. One never knows, does one?”
– Pahoo
“The world keeps ending but new people, too dumb to know it keep showing up as if the fun’s just started.” – John Updike
