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Uncompahgre To Run South in November

(Portland, CO) In an attempt “to make the river safe for fish” the seceretive Department of the Exterior has approved a risky plan to completely flush the Uncompahgre River this fall. Environmentalists, concerned as to why there are no fish in the upper reaches of the river while there are surviving species even in the South Platte flood plain have petitioned for the project since 2010.

The flushing will run concurrently with street resurfacing in downtown Ouray so that everyone can be inconvenienced on an equal basis. Residents participating in the popular Save A Trout Program are asked to keep their charges home in a fish bowl until  November.

“It should be quite the deal,” said project manager Ariel Buttman of Lakewood. “I’ve lived in Colorado all my life and I didn’t know this Ouray County place existed. There are no movie theaters, bowling alleys or It’s really nice but what do the people do in the winter?”

The flushing will cost an estimated $500,000 with any fiscal excess earmarked for the Ridgway By-Pass, scheduled to begin next May.

“If our plan is successful we should have clear, beautiful water by spring, you know…the kind they have on those Coors commercials.”

– Uncle Pahgre 

Colorado examines summer visa concept.

(Pinkyville) Citing overtaxed services, chronic traffic snarls, and overgrazed historical markers many elected officials here say they’ve had enough.

They are meeting this month to discuss limits and crowd control although most already threatened to limit the number of summer visitors by lottery, draw or outright restriction at the border.

“The most effective method to coordinate the flow of visitors is by requiring a visa or tourist card of some sort,” said Minnie Silverdigger of nearby Flapjack Alley, a rest area for people who enjoy being quoted in the newspapers.

 Quality of life, a term rarely employed with zest just a decade ago is now on everyone’s lips.

“We need to move public opinion from lips to feet, as in kicking feet,” laughed Donte Dimmovich, of the Parrot City Dimmovitches. “Them visas won’t keep ‘em out. They’ll just sneak in from the poorly guarded fossil fuel camps in Wyoming.”

Even local chambers of commerce, often last vestiges of questionable mercantilism, have raised an eyebrow suggesting that more people could actually translate into less profits as tourists accustomed to spending money will slowly vacate these spots do to clear diminishment of the quality of life once discovered there.

“We don’t need one million mindless tourists each spending a dollar,” said a finger-wagging source in Landfill Peak. “We need one guest with a million dollars to spend,” she punctuated, referring, if not shamelessly, to the famous Mae West quote about the revolving door of potential lovers. 

Opponents of the visa plan say that it is unconstitutional for any state to prohibit the migration of people to their backyards from another sovereign locales within the borders of the United States. They say that “demanding endorsements of tourists or imposing fines flits around butterfly-like within the boundaries of totalitarianism.”

Officials on the federal level have yet to comment on the proceedings and did not return our telegraph messages Thursday.

– Natalie Nightshade