All Entries Tagged With: "Swiss"
Trout and Kokanee Pursue Refugee Status
(Gunnison) After years of dry conditions culminating in serious drought even the water is dry. Trout and salmon in local rivers have applied for emergency refugee status demanding to be relocated to wet environs even those experiencing flash floods and deluge.
The fish reportedly feel helpless under present conditions and prefer to tough it out in extreme conditions so long as the water is there to serve their needs. Most are good swimmers. A decrease in the number of refugees accepted into the country, while not adversely affecting fish in turmoil, has dominated thinking on the matter and leaves the cold-blooded vertebrates without a champion to advance their position.
One Department of Interior spokesperson at Almont responded to the desperate plea by saying that the fish “knew what they were getting into when they took the bait. Maybe they should set up offshore locations like we do. It sure beats following the rules established for the mainstream, Get it?”
– Small Mouth Bess
White House Expands On-Site Cooking Facilities
A revolving chief of staff told reporters here that cooking options and menu expansion will be a top priority at the White House this week. Outdoor grills, expanded storage of perishables, more support staff and cooking classes will make up the brunt of what is being packaged as The Nuevo-American Dining Experience.
“We only serve American here,” said Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders, munching on a cheese enchilada, Tahchin, hummus all wrapped in the Stars and Stripes. We don’t eat anything that even smells like the Mideast or Mexico and we damn sure don’t recycle when we’re finished.”
Coal-powered hot plates donned with the Presidential seal have been distributed to top aides. Tasters have been stationed at each table to test for poison and backstreet hallucinogens. A meat-heavy breakfast, cooked up by the NRA, and a light lunch, catered by local Nazis groups, will feature only processed foods. Dinner is expected to culminate and collude…er…conclude with grilled steaks and chops of endangered species.
At night the Big Guy Toastmaster will offer a few encouraging remarks punctuating these with an Executive Order of the Day. Tonight Trump plans a slide show featuring assorted handshakes with evil despots and human rights abusers. Tomorrow night he will pardon Joseph Stalin.
Critics say these self-serving eaters couldn’t tell mom’s apple pie from Putin’s borscht and have sold national culinary secrets to the highest bidder under the cover of a free lunch for supporters.
Whether or not the development is related to the cold shoulder extended to a slew of Trump officials in Virginia and Maryland where restaurants refused them service or ostracized them when they arrived to eat. Other Americans have verbally attacked administration officials prompting recommendations that Trump people stay behind an assortment of walls slated to be built soon.
– Tommy Middlefinger
It’s not easy being a mosquito
By Buzz Ticke
Swat away if you must. We can’t help what we are or what we become at what you call “feeding time”. There are worse parasites!
All the fuss about a little blemish or a bump that goes away in a day or so. Did you know that male mosquitoes/midges are a member of the fly family? Although we are particularly proud of the connection to those dirty little pests, biology is the final assessor. Males like me live only a week that makes for a tense relationship with females who live up to a few months.
Plus we don’t carry diseases, well usually. Hey, look how small and transparent we are. Where would we carry them? All the chatter about malaria, dengue and yellow fever is fake news. Mosquitoes that carry these life-threatening maladies live in foreign countries where you should never go anyway.
Bats, drought, pesticides, drained pools and sudden cold weather leave us mosquitoes with our asses hanging out. We are forced to work long hours, adhere to seasonal feeding times, get bad blood and yield to primitive breeding methods.
We male mosquitoes don’t bite but we still get squashed and sprayed just like the bloodthirsty females of the species.
So what are a tiny little bite and a puffy welt in comparison to survival. Oh, don’t worry we will never be on anyone’s endangered list but it’s certainly no picnic here. People hate us. Bats see us as a gourmet treat and even some birds munch on our flimsy limbs.
Is it my fault is it that there is standing water everywhere, the pool needs to be cleaned and an unattended birdbath? Well that is a mortal sin! Best advice: Spray with chemicals. Stay in the house in front of a fan and wait. Once the cold weather arrives we will be gone with the wind.
White Neighbor Calls Cops on Black Teens For Listening to Country
(Abundance Hails) An elderly woman called 911 on Saturday after “shocking behavior” in her alley. She says the intrusion, allegedly by Black youths, left her in fear of her life.
As she describes it: “Those kids, those noisy, c-c-col…Black kids were out in their alley garage playing Merle Haggert and Tammy Wynette real loud. I said to myself, “That ain’t rap or hip hop…so something must be wrong. They are guilty of something. I better call the law. They take over the alley. The have those big handlebar bicycles. Some even drive cars and go to school. They talk funny to my cats…”
The police arrived moments later and determined that the youth were not disturbing the peace and tranquility of the landscape. They searched the garage anyway while flashing lights threw the bouncing beams of serve and protect. All they found of interest was a Miles Davis CD which they kept as evidence of having responded on the scene. After a stern warning the heat dissipated and the kids went home.
Meanwhile the neighbor, whose name was not released because she is quite wealthy, is under observation at St Roscoe’s Commercial Hospital. She is said to be worth in the deep millions and does not pay taxes because she’s been declared incontinent.
Her 17 cats, that she claims are not hers, were captured inside the house using snake charming techniques digested on the erotic Irrawaddy earlier in the century. Most are incarcerated inside the ATM machine at the woman’s bank. Customers report receiving a kitty with their withdrawal, a development that moved some and angered others.
Friends say the woman who called the cops does not leave her house and has not for 20 years since the death of Billy Ed, her favorite milking goat. It was the ravenous appetite displayed by Billy Ed that convinced her to give up trying to grow a lawn and instead cover her impressive expanse with paper clips in 2009. She stays inside watching TV news, talk shows, professional wrestling and pharmaceutical commercials, then goes to bed.
“No wonder she’s nuts,” said one resident. “She even gets her groceries delivered from over in Saskatoon and doesn’t drive anymore thank goodness. She began to go downhill fast when she gave up liquor. There are lots of people like her all over this great culture waiting for the last bus ride up the hill. What a waste.”
Meanwhile the father of one of the Black youths was reportedly floored by the accusations.
“It could have been worse. They could have been listening to Carrie Underwood , Hank Williams Jr. or even Elton John. Now that’s white music,” he said.
“Country has its place. I listen to Patsy Cline everyday. Now that music has soul. Some weekends I have a serving of Johnny Cash right alongside my Charlie Pride,” he said.
(Editor’s note: Reported Miles Davis tunes emanating from the lit up police cruiser caused onlookers to wonder aloud if this was somehow connected to what promises to be an ongoing investigation.)
Return of Fort Sumter High on White House Priorities
(Charleston SC) Recent demands by the White House that Fort Sumter be returned to the United States illustrates a humiliatingly dimwitted perception of history, while simultaneously threatening to alienate an entrenched zombie support base deep in Dixie.
Not only was the fort in question returned to the US after Appomattox, but the site has served little logistical importance since the 1860s. It has just sat out there, gathering dust, its history in the fog for jingo flag flickers. Ignorance of the country”s basic history by a Commander in Chief was called appalling and pigheaded by adversaries, yet over 40% of Americans had not yet found the fort on a map at press time.
“Charleston Harbor, although quite beautiful in its own right, has not been on the firing line, even in a diplomatic sense, since hoop skirts were in fashion,” said a chamber of comments source here. “What has survived is now a National Monument and represents nothing strategic unless perhaps one happens to be a seal or land crab.”
Meanwhile in the Trump camp advisors expressed disdain that their boss had shown his mindless grasp of the nation’s history once again. Several were particularly put off by the president’s claim that had he been on the scene in 1861 he would have won the day.
“Maybe he could try his saber rattling in Puerto Rico, mused one journalist who has disappeared after filing a story that lambasts the president and the GOP. “At least Fort Sumer has electricity and running water.”
A large segment of Trump supporters are loyal sons and daughters of the Confederacy and make up a large portion of that base in November. A majority of these throwback historians don’t know the difference between Chancellorsville and Chattanooga. One satirical account suggests that Trump demand that Cuba give back Miami or that Russians give back Coney Island.
It ain’t in the Bible so it does not exist, chimed one intellect from the gene puddle. “Far as I’m concerned those Yankees can have the fort lock, stock and barrel.”
– Small Mouth Bess
