Everybody’s on the prowl this spring getting their lawns and gardens ready for summer We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what’s coming to you. Just check your specific star sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)

It’s hip to be unavailable. Conditions that directly affect your personal desires may go public before noon. A thumb ain’t a-worth nothin’ if you just sit on it. You are right on target…unfortunately it’s the wrong target. Presumption is no substitute for perfection. Soften arrivals with a clear date of departure. Tie up all loose canons. Passion will seek its own level. Play the role of martyr only if they give you your own dressing room with a star on the door. Tonight: Brood in the dark.

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)

Cut the Tinkerbell crap. Peter is with me now. Choose friends and snow tires more carefully the next time. Your faint jingle will not impress financiers down on main. Shuffle the demands of peers. Sooner or later you will get over the disappointment, not to mention the disgrace, or being dismissed from jury duty. Burn all tedious paperwork. Embrace fringe relationships. Warm, unattended cattle prods may leave one suspicious of Co-workers. Tonight: Yield signs at twenty paces.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Hopes and expectations are often attainable without a side arm. While your input will most likely be ignored, your output will be dissected. Micro-manage! Anyone can grow dreadlocks whereas growing a tail is an impressive accomplishment. Take calculated risks only if you can master the math. Narcissists make poor missionaries…Stay home and meditate to old Miles Davis ditties. Placate your ego and the big and tall shop. Tonight: Chaos in the kitchen. 

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Chronic elitism conflicts with hygiene deficiencies on your personal resume through the 15th. Brush your teeth to a different drummer. Don’t sass the weed eater. Your cosmic flow needs an oil change. Pay attention without drawing attention. Your temperament is that of a Cape Buffalo. Spend more time naked. Leading off with your wit may leave you deep in the batter’s box. Make promises to the dog only in dog language. Tonight: Run out all fly balls.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)

It’s trash day. Couldn’t you put on something nice for a change. Shifting conditions call for some fancy footwork. Despite the fact that your recent achievements have been deemed insignificant by science your glowing failures are the stuff of legends. Train robbery is a felony while writing bad checks is only a misdemeanor. Anticipate inside straights. Tonight: Do not waste time on insignificant objectives such as dinner and dirty dishes. 

AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)

Your stunt person cannot go on that diet for you. Minding your own business, while safer than intrusion, can lead to a boring ledger.  It’s easier to turn the other cheek than to button your lip. You cannot listen to inner voices with the television on. An ounce of anvil is worth a pound of feathers every time. Tropical fish are not right for fondue. Wearing old socks to bed could sent the wrong message to a new lover. Tonight: Throw friends out early.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)

Keep to your own agenda when confronted by worms, grasshoppers or artificial lures. Embrace cold-blooded endeavors. Resist tendencies to flake. Beer-battered is not the proper language for the dinner table or in front of the baby fish. Bottom feeders rarely burn out in frigid waters. Privacy is the key but spawning is the instinct. Mind over matter will be ineffective if you’ve already taken the bait. Fin for yourself. There is no future being part of the chowder. Pescador: clean thyself and always watch for scales. Tonight: Surf the net.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Jupiter, your creditor planet, moves into Mercury rising but is called for an offensive foul. Mercury misses both free throws but hits the three pointer. Your transition game is out of season. Riding the bench is just an expression. Go ahead…change your hair color again – Either way you are still stuck with the same tiny brain. Learn to enjoy forced labor camps. Cultivate feedlot relationships. Wearing those chaps backwards may seem inconsequential to you but your horse knows the difference. Tonight: Barbecued chicken in the hallway. 

TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)

Have faith in a higher power but always get a receipt. Keep your head in the clouds and your knuckles on the pavement. You can easily increase your income by making more money. You are as discreet as a caiman at a poodle convention. Milking the proverbial brown cow may leave the pasture in distress. Formula for survival: 5 % inspiration, 95% perspiration. Circling buzzards may have something to say about career aspirations. Tonight: Change your name to something exotic.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

While a closed mind may not open many doors, dirty windows often thwart the advance of intrusive public opinion. Reliance on child-like clarity may be deemed as juvenile in sandbox circles. The habit of looking over one’s shoulder has produced deformities in laboratory rats. Laughter is not always better than tears – It’s just easier to clean up afterwards. Tonight: Let the TV watch you for a change. 

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

  Innocent flirtations could be misconstrued leading traumatic interludes and felonious spats. Avoid panic situations. There is no sense being king of the hill when all the action is going on down at the beach. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers start flying it can get downright ugly. Focus on what you are good at…Use a microscope. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Tonight: scapegoat on the grill.

LEO (July 24 – August 23)

Act on the inconsequential. Store good intentions in a cool, dry place. Flanking movements near the time clock will not catapult you into an executive position. Don’t take adversaries for granted…Take them to Cleveland. Is there no end to your limitations? Let others work overtime. Be alert to people camping in your yard. Intuition is always lower at state colleges. Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. Tonight: Cheap beer and caviar

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder


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