All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues
Brought to you in living black and white by O’Hara’s Foot Powder. Ask for it by name at your friendly kapellmeister.
The scene: The Cleavers house at the dinner table
Jane: Don’t be such a stuffed shirt, Tarzan. You haven’t seen Ward Cleaver since the war.
Tarzan: Not like Ward. Him know-it-all.
Jane: Ssssh. Here they come now. Hello June. Hello Ward. Hello boys. My the boys are getting bigger everyday.
Wally: A miracle of modern biology.
June: Now Wally that’s no way to speak at the table.
Ward: I always say, the manners learned at the dinner table will dictate the kind of man…
Wally: Shut up, Ward.
Tarzan: This wildebeast tough, June. How long dead?
Jane: Tarzan! I’m surprised at you. It’s not wildebeest. It’s fried marmot.
June: Oh, that’s OK, Jane. I may have mixed up the zip-lock packages from the freezer. It does have that wildebeest texture…Hmmm, but the package clearly said marmot…
Beaver: Someday I hope to be the curator of paleontology here at the community college.
Ward: Good boy, Beaver. That’s the stuff! I always say, dinner etiquette formulates later behavior patters. Why, even if a young man eats nothing but humus he can still open a can of tuna or grill a biscuit.
Wally: Kiss off, Ward.
June: Wally…
Tarzan: Wally OK, June. I used to have same problem with Cheetah until I borrow cattle prod from Ubangis.
Ward: Beaver! Get a shirt on! What’s the matter with you!
Beaver: Tarzan’s not wearing a shirt.
June: But, dear that’s part of his costume.
Wally: Yeah, Beave, like Donald Duck not wearing pants.
Ward: So, Tarzan, are you on line yet?
Tarzan: On lion?
June: Oh, Ward, don’t be silly. We’ve seen all of your films, Tarzan. I particularly liked the one where the locals were chasing Jane and you called out the elephants. All that testosterone! Do apes really ride ostriches?
Wally: What a geek. Ask her about her two-piece loincloth. Pretty risqué for the Forties, wouldn’t you say?
Beaver: Thanks for dinner, mom. Can I go over to Whitey’s and read dirty magazines?
June: Yes, dear, just so long as you’ve finished your homework.
Ward: Excuse yourself, son.
Wally: He’s trying to, dad.
June: Now Wally…remember your manners.
Ward: Yes, Wally, table manners have everything to do with…
Wally: Shove it, Ward.
Ward: Well, Tarzan, let’s retire to my study and smoke cigars.
Tarzan: Not politically correct to smoke. Not politically correct to depict women as servants and domestic support entities…
Ward: Say what? This is the Fifties. It’s OK. It’s even expected.
Wally: Great humus, mom. I’m going over to Lumpy’s and shoot heroin.
June: Be home early, Wally. It’s a school night.
THE END
Packer Reunion Set
(Lake City Daze Gone By November , 2016)
The semi-annual Alfred Packer family reunion has been rescheduled to the last weekend in November to be more in keeping with the original weather from momentous occasions gone by.
According to the Hinsdale County Sheriff’s Office more than 400 people, who claim to be at least shirttail relatives of the famous cannibal, will enjoy baked beans, potato salad, corn-on-the-cob, coleslaw, Jell-O salad, watermelon, lemonade, and marshmallows.
Meat in any form was conspicuously missing from the menu.
Participants have already filed for a permit to use some 30 acres in the nearby San Juan National Forest, east of Creede. All have filed documents asserting that they have not and will not engage in survival activities that might be deemed offensive, even repulsive to mainstream America. Relatives will host an open house on November 15 to answer questions and calm fears as to plans in the woods.
Cannibals are people too, in fact it can be argued that they are super people,” said Gayle Packer, a supposed great, great grand niece of the famous Packer. “I am here today to tell you that all cannibals are not bad.”
A tongue-in-cheek vegetarian barbecue, featuring carrots, barley, broccoli, asparagus, corn, squash, potatoes, black beans and rice as well as a freshly fattened vegetarian (cooked over a bed of simmered coals) will be served free of charge on Tuesday night.
Expected at this year’s reunion are descendants of the victims George Noon, James Humphrey and Israel Swan (all alleged Packer finger food). All of these men had managed to procreate before meeting up with Packer, thus insuring that their surnames, at least, survived the nauseating picnic.
Former Civil War veteran Al Packer was indicted in 1883 after he confessed that he had murdered Shannon Wilson Bell in self-defense (for the second time) and had eaten several Democrats in 1874, during an aborted journey from the Ute Camp of Chief Ouray to the goldfields of Breckenridge, some 125 miles away. Although convicted of every crime within his reach he reportedly died in his bed of indigestion in Littleton in 1907.
As to Packer’s odd capacity for survival, he not only escaped from jail in Saguache (certainly no small accomplishment) but he also managed to hideout until March of 1883 when he was once more arrested in connection with a banquet of crimes. He subsequently served 17 years at Colorado State Penitentiary where he was a model prisoner.
He finally won his release in 1900 thanks to attorneys for the Colorado Restaurant Association that, figuring he was more of a public relations problem in jail than out, paid the legal fees. Further memory places Packer back in Littleton where he was hit by a tourist bus and succumbed to injuries in 1909. Other accounts record him successfully winning the Hinsdale County Commissioners race in 1906, barely edging out professional wrestling standout Tub “No Neck” Carl Sr. by 3 votes.
– Uncle Pahgre
“One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity.” – Andrew Carnegie
Beer Trucks in Fender Bender
(Montrose, CO Townsend Avenue Tally November 19, 2016)
Two large semis filled to the brink with ice-cold beer collided today in Montrose, spewing an estimated 2000 gallons of suds at the intersection of Main and Townsend. The delivery vehicles belonged to Instant Mountain Distributing and Colorado Bottles and Things respectively.
“We haven’t seen this much moisture running down the street since last year’s monsoon,” said a patron at Niko’s Tavern who had just left the bar for an afternoon stroll. “It was a living hell out there.”
Passersby confirmed a four-foot wall of water flowing ominously down Main Street toward the Town Hall Bar precariously drifting into the historic banking district. Meanwhile over on Main the beer bogged down traffic and threatened the flashy yet poorly planned Bad Restaurant Row further south.
“If it weren’t for a volunteer contingent of thirsty citizens the city might have been toast,” said one councilperson. “For a while there it appeared we would be overrun,” he burped.
Town wrecking crews were on the scene in moments handing out packs of Dixie cups, towing cars and mopping up malt and hops. The drivers of the two trucks were not available for comment. No citations were given
The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945 when a turboprop henway, caught between a hailstorm and a flock of Canadian geese, dropped 30 bags of gold dust onto an open skylight/swamp cooler at Stockmen’s Cafe. There were no direct hits and only minor injuries reported. The gold was never recovered. Common consensus chronicles the windfall as having been spent on pitchers of beer and chicken enchiladas moments before Crime Shoppers arrived on the scene.
– Susie Compost
Come Montrose Rancher 99 Pancakes
(Montrose, CO – Pomona Peeper – November 18, 2016)
Spring Creek ranchero Ed Hempleman será sin duda saltarse el desayuno por un tiempo, tal vez para siempre. Después de consumir 99 tortitas o panqueques como él los llama, en sólo tres horas, él tiene el derecho. La saga comenzó en Gravy cielo de rojo en el Norte Townsend cuando Hempleman y algunos amigos comenzaron presumiendo de sus apetitos.
“Una vez me comí un novillo en una sola sesión”, dijo un mentiroso. “Luego tuve desierto!”
“Uno septiembre comí un campo lleno de patatas”, espetó otro.
“Eso no es Nuthin ‘aulló tercera. “Mi papá comió todo el arco iris en el río de Gunnison a Delta, luego tomó mamá a comer sushi.”
La arrogancia llevó a retos y pronto un concurso panqueque-comer se fijó para la mañana siguiente. (Pancakes ser más fácil contar de carnes y la trucha.) El partido atrajo a 13 participantes calcular visualmente el premio $ 500 puesto por Aunt Jemima Huertos de California Mesa.
Las reglas eran simples: Cada concursante comería en incrementos de 15 panqueque y sería dado un descanso de cinco minutos entre las placas. Quien se comió la mayoría de panqueques 8-11 sería declarado el ganador. Si la competencia termina en un empate que no habrá tiempo extra de muerte súbita.
Recogemos el play-by-play en vivo desde Red de: alineados en un trance detrás de sus pilas designadas, se les veía como pájaros plumped en un alambre, colgando de una placa a otra hasta justo cáñamo leman y 77 años de edad, Harvey Birdseed de Guisante fueron los últimos pan-cakers pie. Entonces, como la escena de huevo de Cool Hand Luke, Hempleman comenzó el relleno de crepes después panqueque en su pavo, dejando a su paso Birdseed maltratada …
Ya alimenticios, comer patatas y pastel de comer concursos bruscos están programadas para la feria del condado. Los ingresos del evento no fueron anunciados. Los organizadores dicen que los restos de 1000 crepes serían donados a llenar todos los baches entre Cahone a Gypsym.
“Estas personas son atletas superdotados”, gritó un hombre micrófono. “El público no sabe.”
– Pequeño Boca Bess
DO YOUR WORK AND DON’T BE LATE TO DINNER
In 1928 two boys sat along Boxelder Creek a little ways outside the town of Wellington, Colorado. One was Byron White, the other was his older brother, Sam. They were enjoying a relaxing Saturday afternoon following the sugar beet harvest, a brief respite from the workday world of their youth.
Although they excelled in the classroom, both worked endless hours unloading lumber and coal from the Colorado and Southern and cultivating sugar beets for the Great Western Sugar Refinery. Byron had began working in the fields at six-years-old for $1.50 per day.
That day, in the shadows of the Medicine Bows Sam talked of the future.
“Dad says if a person gets As he goes to college.”
“How many As?” asked his younger sibling.
“All As,” smiled Sam.
“Near as I can tell I’ve got 6 more years of school before college. That’s a lot of As.” said Byron.
“It’s either that or work in the refinery and stay here in Wellington,” stressed Sam.
Like most small towns there existed a constant rush by the younger residents to leave and get on with life. Wellington’s juvenile elite felt the same. One of their boyhood friends later said it all:
“I liked growing up here. You bet. But the main thing is getting out.”
Sam talked of going to the University of Colorado. Byron talked of the same, plus playing football against teams like Oklahoma and Nebraska. Both would earn full tuition scholarship after high school.
As Byron later said: “In the late 20s and early 30s the farmers weren’t making much money. There was very little money around Wellington, and I suppose you could say, by today’s standards, we were quite poor. We didn’t necessarily feel poor because everybody was more or less the same. Everybody worked for a living. Everybody. Everybody.”
* * *
“All right, Huddle up,” said White. “I’m gonna hit Antonio on the left side. We’ll fake the sweep and I’ll roll out. Make your blocks.”
It was New Year’s Day 1938 in the Cotton Bowl. The talented Rice squad was set across the line of scrimmage. The ball was hiked and the play came off without a hitch. White threw an 8-yard touchdown pass to Joe Antonio to put Colorado up 7-0.
The success came as no surprise to anyone least of all Whizzer White. In 1937 the Buffaloes had gone undefeated and he had been named All American, the first from Colorado in any sport. In addition he had led the nation in rushing. He lettered in baseball and basketball as well. He was the ultimate student athlete, student body president, a Rhodes Scholar and a member of Phi Beta Kappa.
White, like many players of his day, played both sides of the ball. Fortunately for CU he was in the defensive backfield during the next series of downs. The Rice quarterback forced a pass over the middle and White picked it off going 47 yards for the second touchdown. Colorado led the favored Rice team 14-0.
“Nice interception, White,” yelled the Colorado coach from the sideline. “Keep after them.”
Despite the effort the Owls battled back and won the game 28-14. It sounds a lot like the old Nebraska match-ups in the Big Eight.
* * *
After college White played pro football, (the highest paid player of the era at $15,800 per year), leading the league in rushing twice. Despite playing only three years he was named to the Pro Football Hall-of-Fame. He attended post-graduate school at Oxford, England and went to Yale Law School during off-season. During World War II he served in the South Pacific and won the Bronze Star. After the war he went back to Yale Law School, where he finished first in his class in 1946.
Not bad for a former beet picker from Wellington, Colorado.
In 1962 he was named to the Supreme Court where he served until 1993. His athletic awards are too many to mention. Over the years he was named to every All, Hall and ball team associated with Colorado and the NFL. In 1965 his number 24 was retired by the university.
Once after retirement reporters asked him how to spell Whizzer, to which he reponded, “B-Y-R-O-N.”
According to people who knew him he made athletic and academic excellence look easy. Just a little work ethic and a desire to achieve.
Thanks to the University of Colorado Athletic Department, The Boulder Daily Camera and The Man Who Once Was Whizzer White by Dennis J. Hutchinson for information herein.
Putin to Join FOX News Team
(Moscow — Red Square Follies — November 16, 2016)
Russians from the Urals to the Black Sea awoke to the shocking news that their former KGB strongman president had bailed, joining the political desk at Fox News. Sources close to Putin expressed similar distress at the development saying they had no indication the former propaganda specialist was planning too become a talking head in the United States.
“Vladimir Putin has resigned his position in the Russian Federation and will link up with Fox as early as next week.” said a curt press release from the network. “He will spend the first three months under the wing of our professionals then be expected to make up his own news accounts, leaning heavy on the fictitious content that made him “a force to be reckoned with” in the former Soviet state. He is looking forward to working with the beautiful, albeit mindless, female broadcasters.”
It was not clear whether the mutual admiration, shared between Putin and Donald Trump, has any impact on the decision . Putin has no previous experience as a television news personality. A sworn adversary of the Obama-Clinton Bandwagon, Putin should fit in nicely with the rogue’s gallery that does not let truth or polite restraint define the news. A reception is planned at New York’s Coney Island, where the former Russian big shot’s brother has a restaurant.
After that Putin will reportedly go shopping for new ties and an apartment to call his own.
– Clyde of Colona