All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
DOW Considered Feeding Deer Uranium Tailings in 50s
(Greater Flatland Wards of the State Express November 15, 2016)
With the release of secret Division of Wildlife files it has become apparent that Game and Fish officials planned to feed uranium tailings to local mule deer in 1956. The plan, dubbed Operation Atomic Bambi by militant factions within the agency, was to be enacted following combined hacking season and carried out through the winter months.
“Let’s be fair here,” stressed Merv Ditchwater, a spokesman for the state. “Back in 1956 people thought uranium tailings were just part of the landscape. They thought the waste was just the price of progress. They certainly didn’t worry about the dangers of toxins what with the Cold War raging and the local economy booming over in the West End.”
Operation Atomic Bambi was simply an attempt to kill two birds with one stone according to higher ups in the agency. There were lots of tailings and lots of hungry deer. On unreliable source told The Horseshoe that bigger, possibly more intelligent animals were the ultimate goal.
“We thought we could grow giant deer and maybe larger elk with this high tech diet,” said the source, now retired, who worked on the project. “Then we could jack up the price of licenses. Nobody knew much about uranium and the negatives of mining the stuff. It’s a lot like the nuclear energy industry today.”
The nuclear industry has still failed to come up with a safe, effective way to store its byproducts yet it continues to generate tons of toxic waste per year.
“Maybe the Atomic Energy Commission is waiting for aliens to land and show us the way,” laughed Ditchwater. “Either way we’re in deep guano when it comes to the future of the planet.”
Officials at the division admitted that the only animals that liked the tailings were prairie dogs and cockroaches. Both species grew enormous in no time at all and had to be deported to the Utah desert where they still thrive. Hunting season on these mutated beasts has been suggested but never launched.
“The deer never really gave the program a chance,” said Ditchwater. “Hell, they didn’t even know a cold war from a bucket of oats. They stuck their little noses up at the tailings and continued to chew on sagebrush, and alfalfa when they could get it.”
Today Colorado has an overrun of deer and more elk than any other state except Euphoria. According to a staff biologist they are the same size they were back in the Thirties, when residents here all but succeeded in eating them all up.
Phillip Cheroot
Ode to Brave Hempsmen
Progress surfaces amid the ashes of ignorance with agricultural prowess in California, Nevada and Massachusetts! States Rights, ain’t it? Down with legal opiates, government officials, genetically modified corn, digital beeps, snowmen on fire, cats that eat whiskers, potholes and Wall Street bullies.
Economy Mostly Cloudy
(North America — Any Day Now News — November 13, 2016)
Financial skies were mostly cloudy over most of the nation as markets closed today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while drizzling interest rates collided with thunderous inflationary fronts moving in from the East.
Cooler investments and high-pressure stock options continue to plague investors in the Rockies while high winds and showers are likely on Wall Street through the weekend. A cold front will push across the Midwest linking up with an upswing in retail sales and new housing starts. Creeping inflation will continue to gnaw away at the water table. Despite all precautions taken by the benevolent brotherhood of banking industry consumers can expect to get soaked.
Meanwhile the indoor climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by spring run-off, when disturbances, punctuated by torrential tremors and blinding light, will increase to epic proportions. Highs today would hover and dip then jolt and bolt on the American and New York stock exchanges. Elevations above and below 11,000 feet will not be affected.
Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat, overcast, hot and humid with pockets of riveting boredom and frightening political conclusions. Out West, an imbalance will surface due to a low-pressure front arriving on the next day’s business.
Supply-side global warming has killed the philodendrons in the secret meeting vault and has depleted the snowpack reserves from our last fiscal year. Six-packs of northerly moisture from Canada are expected to alleviate that mini-crisis by the middle of the eek.
Bold face quotations include: “Tie down the horses – It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures.”
– Wendy Whether-Spoon
Claimants Grow in Galleon Find
(Salvador, Bahia — Por Favela Favor — November 12 ,2016)
The number of persons filing Rightful Claim on all or part of the estimated 7.6 million dollars recovered from a sunken Portuguese galleon has doubled since last night. The treasure, in Portuguese reales, dinhiero, Malacca Sebastieo and silver rupees, was recovered last week off the coast of India, near Goa, a former Portuguese colony.
At last count over 300 persons and entities have claimed the prize. Some are nautical, some are fortune chasers, but one local man has what appears to be a valid, albeit bizarre, link to the recovery deep on the ocean floor. Melvin Toole, a retired coal stoker from Colona, says he has a right to the entire booty due to family connections.
“I am the direct descendent of Amal Santa Villa Cabralia, the love child of the homely Queen Maria I of the Braganza Royal Family and the suave Domingos Antonio de Sousa Coutinho, the Portuguese Ambassador to Brasil in 1807,” said Toole.
The entire Portuguese court, all 1500 of them, had been relocated to Rio de Janeiro so as to escape the clutches of Napoleon Bonaparte whose armies were quickly closing in on Lisbon from the north. Prince John VI, who would become reigning monarch upon the death of Maria in 1816, refused to bless the union, calling for the head of Coutinho who fled to Salvador and out of harm’s way.
“That makes me the great-great-great-great grandson of Maria I,” snapped Toole carefully doing the math on his fingers. “I don’t see how there can be any other explanation. My Uncle Wilbur de Sousa, a notorious womanizer in his own right, spilled the beans on this story back when I was a kid but I thought he was just a senile old man babbling along. Now I wish I would have listened to him.”
Toole will undergo painful DNA testing tomorrow in hopes of putting the matter to rest. He has until next week to show further genetic proof that he is the heir to the fortune or the entire $7.6 million will go to the Portuguese Humane Society.
– Mr. Ha Ha
Apple Acquires Husqvarna
NOW YOU CAN WATCH THE BRONCOS
ON YOUR WEED EATER OR CHAINSAW
(Google Gulch) Apple Corporation today purchased Husqvarna Professional Products Inc for an undisclosed sum. In a flurry of trading the market’s uppity flow calmed down and the news was digested by closing time, underlining fears of a mass takeover of every aspect of human life by entertainment and data concerns.
The motor company makes chainsaws, motorcycles, snow blowers, lawn mowers, simmers and more. It is not known if Apple will continue to manufacture these and related items but it is surmised that it will go in the direction in 2017.
The possibilities of a major merger of computers and weed eaters is beyond comprehension and somewhat frightening to the thinking man or woman.
“I can’t wait to watch the Broncos or Nascar on my lawn mower,” said one broker. “This particular takeover is weird all right but it is the We have information companies that don’t produce anything buying up manufacturing entities that create tangible products.”
Apple’s second quarter earnings had been in decline as the company dismantled hundreds of robots once employed to build more computer components and clandestine hard-drive bunkers to protect the sacred formula for harvesting success from technological pirates and the gov’ment.
– Sergio Hinge
Tolstoi, otros encontraron en la aldea
(Moscú – Red Circular Plaza – 10 de noviembre de 2016)
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Anton Chéjov y Maxim Gorki, todos anhelamos creía muerto, se han identificado positivamente, viviendo la vida en la remota aldea de Yerkilansk en una remota región de Krasnoyarsk llama en el centro de Rusia
La agencia de noticias rusa TASS informa que los cuatro han sido en Yerkilansk desde su destierro por una serie de zares y bolcheviques durante el siglo 20. Se dice que están colaborando varias novelas, ensayos y guiones en el marco de la Ernest Sagas, que fueron escritas originalmente como una sátira sobre zarista, y más tarde Soviética, la vida en Rusia.
Los cuatro se mantuvo desafiante a través de los años 70 y 80 cuando se negaron a escribir propaganda comunista a cambio de más alimentos y leña. A pesar de su largo calvario que todos parecían estar en buen estado de salud y el humor. A mediados de los años 90 la administración post-soviética les pidió dar la bienvenida a la Glasnost y ungió a ellos “los huéspedes de que el estado” en lugar de “políticas internas”. Eran entonces libre de ir y venir a su antojo, aunque en Yerkilansk no hay muchos lugares para ir y venir.
“Por un paseo nos encontramos con hambre de tres oso pardo ruso y decidimos frenar nuestro entusiasmo geográfica y estar más cerca de la aldea”, dijo Gorki. “En todas partes hay nieve! Es posible conseguir perdido o al menos desorientado dentro de una milla de esta civilización insignificante “.
El avance creativo en el trabajo colectivo se produjo cuando Chekov prevé «todo lo que es la Ernestine” y se convirtió en un seguidor de tiempo completo de esa doctrina estricta. Un broche de oro del trabajo seguido rápidamente como los otros grandes subieron a bordo y comenzó a bombear sagas cortos de Ernest.
Favoritos como “Ernest Goes to Adoctrinamiento Camp”, “Ernest Goes a una prisión de Beneficio Para” y Ernest Guarda Navidad de los paganos “vienen a la mente aquí.
Aunque la mayoría de los estadounidenses no pueden recordar Ernest, un número mucho mayor de no reconocen los nombres de los novelistas rusos. Este deseo de mayor notoriedad parece ser la fuerza impulsora en las tareas tumultuosos que enfrentan los novelistas. Hablando a través de un traductor, el célebre autor de Anna Karenina, dijo, “Anton y Fyodor fueron de gran valor en las novelas de fermentación y juega durante lo que los críticos literarios se refieren como el Período de Ernest Temprano (1994-2000). Maxim realiza a gran altura toda velocidad a pesar de que todavía no estamos muy familiarizados con ese modo “.
Lo que siguió sacudió el mundo literario. Cuatro grandes plumas rusos que trabajan juntos en Ernest invade Afganistán, terminarlo a tiempo para la cosecha semestral vodka. Esta verdadera obra maestra sobrevivirá a gobiernos, romper tradiciones sin edad y sobrevivir a los elementos. Cuatro artistas iluminados, en trajes de ocio aislados y Sorrels en unas vacaciones ártico largo, han capturado colectivamente la esencia de Ernest. Tolstoi da crédito a sus asociados en una introducción de largo aliento en el que se compara el proceso de colaboración para “jaque mate en la oscuridad.”
Mientras tanto, la vida real Ernest, acompañado por un amigo cercano nombrado se espera Vern llegar a Yerkilansk el viernes para examinar las aguas que prolongan la vida del río Kubinichev. Los dos esperan para escoltar a los cuatro novelistas a Disneyland y en un estudio de grabación en mayo.
“Sólo espero que los Dodgers están en la ciudad”, dijo Gorki. “La última vez que estuve en Los Ángeles fue en 1903 y el equipo todavía estaba en Brooklyn.”
– Cachemira Herradura