All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

GATHERERS ARRIVING DAILY

(Montrose) The airport, no sooner back to normal with the last of the out-of-towndeer and elk hunters vamoosing, is now inundated with another nightmare  anthropological group. This year the annual migration of rifle totters is accentuated by the presence of more than 100,000 gatherers.

The gatherers, the secondary component to the ancient order of humankind, have long been linked to hunters, making up a precedent to agrarian sects, Sumerian brew masters and the more sophisticated Puritan-Abolitionist-Yankee Insurance Linkage Conspiracy.

The gatherers, a rough, hungry looking pack of beggars, wasted no time in their struggle to feed themselves and their shabby offspring. Roots, berries, small trees and shrubs fell before the mighty onslaught. Later in the afternoon the barbaric hordes confiscated parking bunkers, lights, road signs, county commissioners and even bits of asphalt before moving on to high country redoubts along the Uncompahgre Plateau, rainy Dry Creek and the painfully crooked Straights of Colonese Guinea.

“Frankly we’re happy to have these folks around this time of the year,” quipped Melvin Toolini, executive director of the Chief Colorow Soil Conservation District. “Not only do they haul out a lot of debris but they keep the hunters in check.”

Gatherers, associated with hunters since before Freud, are quieter and usually far more sober than the average orange-clad meat seeker. They travel in small bands (often without a decent bass player), shadowed by teeming ox carts crammed full of everything from discolored banana peels to rusty snuff cans to impartial elk droppings to soggy balls of string to curious Spam tins to discarded passages of the United States Constitution.

“We observed one hunched-over gatherer attempting to digest the Bill of Rights just the other afternoon on Simms Mesa,” said Toolini, “but the federals happened by, and with the aid of complacency, succeeded, in driving the madman off into the dark Forest of Illiteracy.

For the uninitiated, the Constitution and Bill of Rights are very dangerous documents that, falling into the wrong hands, could threaten our way of life here in Corporate America. Recreational application of this kind of propaganda usually leads to heroin use.

The gatherers are expected to remain in the region until everything is gathered. Then they will move to the Confront Range where their massive warehouses are located.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

OBAMA GETS LAST LAUGH

With his days in office dwindling, President Barack Obama hosted a rare press conference this morning “to put things in perspective.”

In a jousting mood, the Chief Executive told reporters that he got a good laugh when senselessly attacked by dumb throwbacks in the House of Representatives who accused him of being an alien and the anti-Christ.

“It’s partially true…I have no U.S. birth certificate because I was not born here nor have I ever even bothered to become a citizen of this country. However I have been the President of your country for the past eight years. Who has been caught with his pants down here?”

Obama stressed that he had not seized any guns, appointed any Black Supreme Court justices or started any new wars since ascending to the Presidency. He admitted that he had successfully pulled the wool over the eyes of the voters:

“I am a Communist Muslim Anarchist Maoist and member in good standing of the Black Panther Party,” said the President. “There…now are you happy?”

In a related development the Obama family will paint the White House over the holidays prior to vacating the premises. Insiders say the family is leaning toward a mauve/chocolate with rainbow trim. An administration spokesperson was quick to add that nothing in a final color scheme had been decided.

Rumor # 611: Obama will not surrender the Presidency. Instead he is creating a radical urban dictatorship based on jazz and basketball. Plans for a system of liberal, solar re-education camps for throwbacks – in Kenya –  is already in the works. We all know he has been speaking to school children in quasi-commie code: Manx sounds like Marx to me. Finally, his administration is planning a commie coup but waiting until his last full week in office to put the plan into action. The coup is supported by Vladimir Putin, Miles Davis and the Hong Kong Five, with Dennis Rodman starring as the ghost of Imelda Marcos..

FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING

(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.

ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cablevision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in Columbus, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s nuclear cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 80th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch.

HUNTERS TAKE 7,000-POUND ELK

(California Mesa  Bigger is Best News  November 25, 2016)

Texas hunters today nailed what is probably the largest bull elk ever seen around these parts. Weighing in at just over 7,000 pounds the wapiti charged right into the record books outpacing all former competitors. His status as deceased will not create a negative impact on the accolade.

Biologists circulating the region suggest that the giant elk may have wandered over the plateau from the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) after feasting on tailings from uranium days.

“Sometimes exposure to radium has adverse effects on wildlife, as well as humans, said one biologist. “Those boys (the hunters) won’t be hungry for a long time.”

It was later learned that the hunters would keep the trophy rack and donate the meat to a local cafe.

“Tis an old maxim in the schools, that flattery’s the food of fools. Yet now and then your men of wit, will condescend and take a bit.”
– Jonathan Swift in Cadenus and Vanessa

Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks

(Ouray, CO  Don’t Bug Me Press  November 24, 2016)

Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.
Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.

Most say they are already looking forward to spring.

The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.

Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.

-Syd Fardt

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothin’ that packs up and tears out quicker than the Christmas spirit.”     – Ken Hubbard

And don’t be late either!

Infomercial by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine