All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
WARNING TO ALL CITIZENS
With the holidays upon us local residents and visitors alike are hereby warned that the artsy-craftsy types are out in force and could be working your neighborhood at this very moment. These annoying individuals can even be observed going through the winter garbage in order to satisfy their creative obsessions. Fresh from looting the alleys they will then return to their little hovels and attempt to turn stinky milk cartons into furry little bunnies and even fashion Yuletide headgear from pizza boxes or banana crates. Please watch your coffee grinds since these warped craftspersons will often attempt to reconstruct replicas of ski villages from soggy grinds and bits of aluminum. Bird houses are particularly popular, especially within circles of depraved artists who intend to spend the rest of the winter somewhere warm, with your money as a cushion. To further illustrate our point were you aware that the state of Colorado reported that over 400 traffic signs were stolen between December 1 and December 20 in 1999 alone? Many turned up as pirated lazy susans by New Year’s Eve. The best advice? Withhold all your garbage until after the new year. This way a concerned citizen deprives these parasites of the raw materials necessary to continue the age-old assault on all that is still right and decent within our borders. If this doesn’t work we suggest a small caliber pistol at close range. Sure, that’s radical but considering the circumstances…With the cops out patrolling the bars for revelers during the holidays we must take matters into our own hands or soon there will be no garbage left to hand down to our children. Lest we forget, we are all responsible for the trash that we generate until it hits the landfill and that’s the American way. -Editor
SAM I AM
Holiday Rant #611
That Sam-I-am!
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am!
Do you like
our retail plan?
I do not like it,
Sam-I-am
I do not like
Your control scam.
Would you like it
here or there?
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
We do not want
to buy your Spam
We do not want you
Sam-I-am.
Would you like
the extra tax?
Do you think
your council lax?
We do not need your
coat tail tax
We can’t believe
elected hacks.
We do not like the
way you ram.
We do not like you
Sam-I-am.
Would you like
a strip mall…Wham!
Would you like
a traffic jam?
We do not want
a strip mall, Sam
We cannot use
a traffic jam.
We do not like
your retail plan.
We do not need you
Sam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
Sir or ma’m?
Buy more! Buy more!
on the lam.
We would not
could not
buy some more
We do not want
your Super Store.
We do not like you
worth a damn.
We don’t believe you
Sam-I-am.
Would you, could you?
Buy onething
Would you, could you?
It won’t sting.
Sam!
If you will let me be
I’ll buy something.
You will see.
Say!
I don’t like
your discount scam
I don’t like you
Nice try, Sam
We don’t want your Super Store
We don’t like you.
You’re a whore.
YULESCOPE
Attention Y’all Star Gazer Types: When ordering from the following cosmic menus please do so only by adjoining number. No substitutions. Parties of ten or more will be charged a 15% gratuity fee if they look like deadbeats. Remember: It is illegal to move around a Utah restaurant with a cocktail in your hand but, in most cases, you are in Colorado, so it’s OK.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – January 21)
In order to succeed today, you must have the courage of your convictions, even though most are technically classified as misdemeanors. If you have no convictions, borrow some from a friend. If you really want to believe in something, don’t let the facts cloud your mind. Jump in with two or three feet. Things should proceed quite well this month just as long as you do not meddle in your own affairs. The key to enjoying the great outdoors is spending more time indoors. Consolidate copper finances.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22 – Feb. 19)
Victory may have its cost, but over the long haul it is always cheaper than defeat. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem making decisions today if you simply ignore all possible options. Your chart indicates that rewards are on the way, but it also indicates that you are prime for a collision with a panel truck. It will become quite difficult to follow your instincts while attempting to lead. Store all holiday fruitcake carefully. After a few months fermenting, it could give you a welcome buzz come February.
PISCES (Feb. 20 – March 20)
Today is a good time to write letters. Try with the five vowels first and move into the 21 consonants when you are ready. Crayons are a girl’s best friend but a pen and pencil set makes a better Christmas present. Despite what you have been lead to believe: Pocket protectors do little else than protect pockets. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Someone very close to you may not be as perceptive or resourceful as you are. Go for the throat and you will no doubt come out with well-groomed scalps. Overcome your self-doubt with the realization that much comfort comes by embracing general incompetence. Your fly is open.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
That big red nose could won’t front for a little white lie. Experiment with half-truths plus ten percent. When dealing with your emotions or a side dish of reality, stick to the children’s portions. You are in a cycle demanding careful management of your resources. Set on delicate and add bleach. Keep one eye on the stock market and the other two on your piggy bank. Avoid the temptation to showboat while dumpster diving. Nobody likes grandstanding, with the possible exception of the rats.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll never find a sugar daddy (or momma) with that sour look on your face. If we get to heaven on the arms of people we’ve helped, do we go to hell riding on the asses we’ve kicked? Warmer relationships are a sure thing this month especially if you spend it in South America. Initiate romance by brushing your teeth. While potentially harmful, erratic behavior is better than no behavior at all. Memorize the numbers and letters on your license plate. These combinations could win the lottery.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Obsessive concern over trendy fashion could be your downfall. Try wearing whatever clothes you find on the floor, next to the bed, each morning. Exude a snotty apathy and people will notice your outfit. Understanding the complexities of the modern world may require an occasional glance beyond your proboscis. Avoid split pea soup with dangling participles and tip big through the 26th. 2016 was a great year to diet. Using adjectives that one does not understand will ultimately lead to adverbial abuse from peers.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Buckle under pressure. Sure, it can be embarrassing but it beats having one’s chin kicked in. Be patient with your worst enemy today, since he is the only one who still talks to you. Count to 10 before reacting to a conflict. If this is too much mental strain, try counting to 8 or 7. How can a lover expect you to make a commitment when you can’t even make the bed? Attempts to control your own destiny may fall short today. Instead, let fate roll the dice, but only if it has the hot hand. Shooting first and asking questions later might alleviate a lot of useless chatter but may generate problems in the legal arena. Pay all Bills. Anyone named John, Mary or Bob can just wait.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck this month. Avoid metal objects larger than the plate in your head. Cupid may be sitting on your shoulder this month. Check for stains. Fantasies and realities blend well at this time but so do rum, pineapple and coconuts. Winning isn’t everything. There’s always losing. Be careful what you say this month, since someone might actually be listening. Your ability to do nothing for long periods of time is astounding to tree sloths. Stay upwind from berry eating bruins, hibernating or not.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A positive philosophical attitude and outlook should help you rationalize almost anything through the month. May and June look good for you, but until then the best approach is to hang out. It’s amazing what a little dry wall and carpet can do for your rock. Breaking a sweat may be better than breaking the scale. Take house plants for a long walk. Grab the offensive this month by scrutinizing others before they scrutinize you. Don’t burn bridges at both ends this holiday season. Libido flows everywhere. Invest in a sturdy mop and bucket ensemble.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
Join a peer group sometime soon. Avoid redneck elves with opinions up their sleeves. Santa Claus is real, but you are not. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating or drinking your limit. Don’t you think it’s high time you got physical with knickknacks? Driving through a red light is better than stopping for a green one. Hate Christmas? So did Joe Stalin. Jesus was a Capricorn. You are a worthless Libra. Tonight: Take a bath with your livestock.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)
Your prospects for financial gain are excellent if you simply dress the part. A ski mask is essential, as well as subtle jewelry, light makeup, sensible footwear and a tasteful handbag. Don’t count you chickens before the cows come home to roost or something. Imitate the proud jackass. He has somehow ascended your family tree, which is now prime for the trimming. Endangered yet lecherous horned owls will make a nest in your best boxer shorts. Personality quirks are not likely to disappear until you do. Have your spleen removed before the prices go up! Kokanee illusions could get you into hot water with the fish and game people.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)
Winter is here. How about a nice root canal to go with it? There will be great relief from the frustrations associated with shorter daylight hours, as television bowling is about to hit prime time. Weekends will be full of something undefined. Diversions from the work/school could include experimentation with potato vodka. Your kid has been named Most Valuable Player on his charm school football team. Your dog is at risk. A few hours spent on housebreaking techniques could save the rug and give both of you a strong sense of accomplishment.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Ontologist, Pawn of the Elements
CRESTED BUTTE CHESTNUTS
(December 20, 2016 — with your host, Melvin Tooltide)
Molly Missing
It looks like curtains for Amax Mining Company and its plan to mine Red Lady. According to the massive corporation someone has stolen all the molybdenum from the proposed site. It was not clear who was responsible for the theft or how they managed to pull off such a feat without detection by local law enforcement personnel.
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said an exited member of the High Country Citizens Alliance, a group that has fought Amax since the 70s.
Apparently the moly was illegally extracted from Red Lady without so much as a scratch to the mountain. It was then hauled over Kebler to an undisclosed landing strip and flown to freedom elsewhere.
“I don’t believe it,” said one Crested Butte town councilman. “Now we can resume our ancient priorities and use all that water to make snow.”
No one at any level of authority would comment on CBMR’s plan to build 40,000 new condo eunuchs at the base of Yellow River and additional affordable employee housing at the top of Teocali Lift.
“At least skiing is environmentally sound,” said one walking press release.
The Amax Corporation promised to get to the bottom of the heist and bring the criminal element to heal.
“Claim jumping will not be tolerated,” said one mine boss.
CBMR to purchase “feeder college”
Crested Butte Mountain Resort announced plans to purchase Western State University as a feeder facility by the end of the month. Although details are sketchy it appears that the ski resort wants to assure the presence of skier days and provide a place to educate the public as to space charges.
“We don’t know what space charges are but we’ll be offering an academic explanation real damn soon,” said Dr. Ethel Marmotbreath, coordinator of the controversial acquisition.
“The formula is elusive but has something to do with the multiplication of .0175 by the number of college grads flipping burgers in the Gunnison Valley. Now when students cut morning classes they can buy a half day ticket and nobody will tell their parents.”
Feds Allocate millions in search of Buttheads
Despite an image as anti-cloning, the White House has put aside an additional 3.4 million dollars earmarked for canine potty control in the nation’s ski towns. At present the research has bogged down and proponents of the program now say they’ll need more money to finish the job.
“What began as a ridiculous result of hands-on gov’ment meddling has now stranded itself in the alleys and vacant lots of towns like Crested Butte,” said Rocky Flats, blueprint specialist attached to the Department of the Inferior. “It’s simple…Either we extend cleanup efforts or go right to the source of the problem. Normally we can skate through March but on a light snow year we could all be up Shiite Creek.”
How or when local dogs will be hermetically sealed and subject to inspection was not disclosed. Flats, who made millions marketing marmot dung as the aphrodisiac of the 90s, the program will give new meaning to “the big dump”.
Interested parties can offer their input by stopping by the departmental offices located inside the Pooper Park Chalet anytime between now and Valentine’s Day.
– Tommy Moddlefinger
Horseshoe Open 24 Hours Over Holidays
(Ouray, Colorado — Yuletide Sparks — December 19, 2016)
The San Juan Horseshoe will extend its normal hours for the December holidays. In a departure from closing when the sun goes down the paper will keep its doors opened “all day and all night” so as to accommodate last minute shoppers, thirsty travelers and persons looking to get a last minute bet down before football shifts into overdrive.
“We had to look long and hard at the possibility of staying open,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from his cat-bird seat high above Box Canyon Falls. “The light bill is bad enough just operating during regular business hours.”
A hastily constructed reception desk will be manned by Al Qaeda suspects recently picked up by a Homeland Security sweep through the local Wal-mart parking lot.
“They’re a shifty bunch,” quipped Horseshoe, “and potentially dangerous but its next to impossible to get good help this time of the year.”
The Horseshoe offices effected are located adjacent to the Camp Bird turn-off south of town, and across from the Wimpton Mental Health Clinic in the Edith Bunker National Forest. A full Irish breakfast will be served.
-Warren of Wexley
