All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
STUDENT KIOSK
Gunnison, CO December 29, 2016
The Western State Journalism Department will once again offer Home Letter Writing 101 on Thursday nights this fall according to “volunteer” instructor George Sibley. “This is in no way meant to be a review of the alphabet but more an attempt to motivate kids to write home to their parents,” said Sibley, “since that seems to be the source of the funding that keeps silly classes like this one afloat.”
Students and faculty alike are warned that a flood of Ernest Money has been circulating campus on since September 5. The counterfeit currency in question, a five-dollar Ernest Goes to Camp bill and several other denominations featuring Ernest Goes to Allepo and Ernest Goes to Free Community College are being passed to unsuspecting consumers as we speak. Luckily, more dangerous bills such as Ernest Gets a Hernia and an assortment of crisp new Gomer Pyle Joins the Marines bucks have disappeared in the vicinity of Webster Hall. Local police insist that either the bad bills have already been hauled out of town or that they have broken the largest counter- counterfeiting operation in history.
Students wishing to have their bikes stolen this fall are asked to park them in specially designated bike theft racks which are accessible to all local thieves who own a screwdriver or an ax. The bike racks are located at the entrance to all campus buildings and at major intersections throughout the city of Gunnison.
Director of the Hotel Management Department, Alan Cox, has announced a plan that would provide for the personal needs of students at WSC. Along with consultants Jerry and Dani Weinberg, Cox has perfected a new breed of hound which has a life expectancy of just 134 days. “This way students and ski vagabonds can have the companionship of a pet and not the responsibility of dealing with same at the end of their particular season.” Cox, owner of the Nordic Inn at Mount Crested Butte is not a rookie when it comes to the inventing racket. In 1978 he developed the first doggy dialysis system in which individual aid stations resembled fire hydrants.
An unnamed Western State student is in fair to stable condition Friday after consuming most of a 1959 Buick LeSabre. Melvin Toole, 22, of Lakewood reportedly ate the car as part of a bet. He is currently being held at St. Roscoe’s Hospital here and is expected to be released as soon as a succeessful oil change can be performed next week.
– Attila Diggins
Cheap for something you may never use?
Perfect! A donuts shop that sells brains out the back. Plus it appears to be a mini truck stop no doubt because of it’s strategic location in time of armed conflict. This glimpse of Americana was brought to you by New West Marketing on Montrose, Colorado
Unemployment drops to -3.5%
(Warshington Dec 30, 2016) Good news hit the wires this morning as the latest federal statistics indicate the unemployment rate to be well below zero. Although no one in authority could explain this startling development most have taken credit for the improvement.
“Right now we have about a 3.5% edge when it comes to the employment picture,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We don’t know what the future holds, but for right now things are certainly looking up.”
Economists remain cynical over methods used by the feds to determine this status.
“We think there are a lot of people out there holding down two, maybe three minimum wage positions,” said one financial expert. “Unfortunately that doesn’t mean they aren’t living on the street or in their cars.”
Members of Congress, away on Christmas recess, were quick to accept the credit for this shift. Many feel the statistics indicate that they are doing a good job on the domestic scene.
“It’s all quite clear to me that our policies are working,” added Noise. “It just goes to prove that millionaires can be responsive to the needs of the peasantry.”
Leading mathematicians, however, remain baffled as to how the government arrived at these numbers.
-Mel Toole
Eagles Back Home
(Almont December 26, 2016) After spending the summer in the Flathead River Basin in Montana one might consider wintering in Mexico. It would be the perfect combo. However if you’re a bald or golden eagle the East River may look even better.
“It’s got the kind…you know the kind of fish that makes their beaks stiff,” said Ruthie Roosterson, a spokesman, and little else, over at the Fish and Game Department. “They like the trees and the sunshine, the cold temperatures and the DOW too.”
The proud birds migrate south to Gunnison County in about November, stick around until early spring, then head north again. Although a complicated process the eagles seem to have it down, especially after centuries of repetition.
“It’s something to do with instinct and monogamy,” says Roosterson. “The eagles make life look effortless. There are plenty of folks who could take a lesson here.”
Eagles are generally monogamous, and, with the exception of New Year’s Eve, keep the same mate for life. Many residents here gain a certain security by witnessing their punctual return each fall.
If you wish to observe the birds of prey, take note: They can see you far better than you can see them. Getting out of your vehicle and progressing toward the river bottom only causes them to fly away. Urban viewers: There are no signs or flashing lights to identify the eagle’s domicile. So you are on your own on this one and may have to invest a few minutes searching the tall trees for the birds.
EAGLE OFFICE HOURS: Office hours are currently from 9 am to 2 pm Monday through Friday through the holidays. Extended hours are expected during heavy turkey season. Lame ducks prohibited. PLEASE DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH EAGLES ON THE WEEKEND. It confuses the salmon and causes a negative effect on the entire eco-system as far away as Southern California.
– Small Mouth Bess
My Christmas present arrived last August
Declan Martin Haley getting into the Yuletide flow with a friend on his first Christmas – photo by Michelle Haley
Christmas Eve Blowout Feared
Downtown Colona December 24, 2016
Rogue elements of the Short Angels, an elfin sleigh gang have pledged to go ahead with a decadent rendezvous slated for Christmas Eve it was reported this morning. The elves, normally engaged in Santa-assist duties this time of the year, are apparently blowing off legendary responsibilities in favor of the bash.
“We know how these little pixies get when they get into the drink,” flexed Tim Finnegan, a Log Hill resident who is primed for trouble. “Last year they held up traffic and started bonfires all over town. What happened to the charming little sprites who used to roast chestnuts over an open fire and all that?”
Last year motorists where constantly harassed along Highway 550 as the evil brownies sought funding for their sinful display. Several drivers were forced out of their cars and into the cold December night by the foul smelling elves.
Sleigh gangs from the North Pole and Canada are expected to descend on the peaceful burg on about December 22 with the revelry screeching into the new year. Looting is expected.
“New Year’s Eve would be a good time to stay away from the downtown strip,” said the rifle wielding local. “That’s when we plan to match muscle for muscle. We’ve had enough of their crap.”
– Big Tinnie
