All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"

Or perhaps a bowl of coal?

In Vietnam: Use your noodle!

Hoi An, Quang Nam, Vietnam  —  December 17, 2016

As a young Vietnamese boy, who was practicing his English, said to me last evening “Good morning!” He was so proud of himself that I responded in Vietnamese: “Good morning to you, young man” even though it was well past 8 pm.

I’m spending the winter on the coast in Central Vietnam at Hoi An, an ancient city of about 500,000 which, if it were in Dong (Vietnamese currency), would be about $22. It’s very nice here, even in rainy season, although the fields are flooded and getting to town for food requires irrigation boots and hungry perseverance.

This too will pass, or I’ll soon be swimming in the East Sea. I keep a fresh pair of swimming trunks near the door just in case, along with a bottle of French Champagne for some mystical voyage that may be in the wings.

This morning the river is over its banks. My pathway is flooded but I have beer, cheese, tomatoes, baguette, a can or two of unidentified fish and plenty of music. The silver lining is that my neighbor is bringing me chicken and rice because she is worried about me. I’ll have to fake complete helplessness so as to assure dinner as well.

The price of rowboats is up and business at the beach is down. The sun is expected to come out in January. Everyone here just smiles and goes along with the flow, but I hope not literally. Can we say sand bags?

I may look like an old fart but I’m a bona fide mountain old fart (alpinus crabiscus flatulentus) and capable of keen basic survival and remarkably clear thought when Mother Earth gets pissed off. Ja sure…You betcha.

In Colorado it is often too dry. Here in Quang Nam Province everything is too damn wet. Even the dust is wet. Even the dry goods are wet. If they had dry cleaning and static electricity they would be wet too.

My dentist, originally from the Bay Area, who served as a Special Forces medic in South East Asia, told me he was so wet for his tour that he swore he would move to the dry high desert. So, after the service, he moved to Cedaredge where the sun is high and the skin cream is in every cupboard.

Xin chao!

The Chinese took over Vietnam in 2000 BC, stopped to wash their dirty socks (see Chinese laundry) then had to wait until 900 AD for them to dry. In those 1000 years these new tenants had a major impact on the language. Then in the 1600s the new landlords, the French, Romanized the language which makes it easier to read and write for us Westerners.

Learning Vietnamese is like a shaky morning wino trying to work on a jigsaw puzzle from his cardboard bed on the street, only a little more unsettling.

I seem to be butchering Vietnamese quite nicely but learning some very useful Australian from my new mates here. Most of it isn’t appropriate for the parlor. Imagine that.

When I’m too tired to study I go for walks around town which are often delightful, although eyeballing the hens in my soy can result in a ferocious attack by a skinny junior rooster who fears no one.

 

 

My favorite pastime is watching people wrapped up in plastic bags, driving motorbikes in water up to their knees from an elevated porch downtown with cheroot and ice-cold LaRue beer in hand.

In the ancient town of Hoi An capitalism rages. It would put Madison Avenue to shame. “You buy something? yells the lady in the shop across the narrow street. Yesterday troupes of go-getters were trying to sell me anything from a plastic rain suit to a thorough ear cleaning (and eyebrow trim) to plump little piglets in a burlap sack. I’m a sucker for a good salesman and I bought everything they had.

Ba Le Market is even more stimulating than downtown (in a fruits and vegetables kind of way) although I did manage to buy two chartruese bath towels with little yellow puppies on them. Prices are more fixed here than in the center where one never pays the first three or four prices chanted or scribbled down.

That’s very pedestrian of you

Like most emerging places in the world if you are on foot it is clear that you must not be able to afford other modes of transport. If, as Bob Marley said, “Me feet be me only chariot” you could find yourself in limbo. The street crossings are marked for decoration only. Go ahead. Try it if you don’t believe me.

Yesterday I almost collided with a toothless grandma carrying a ten-foot piece of rebar, wearing a faded Giants cap, on a chopped Yamaha. That’s all I can remeber about the incident. I’m not sure she even took note of it. At least she didn’t try to sell me anything. In the real New World Order she would be delivering a piza and listening to Bach too.

Annoying horns, better than wrecks, blast at every intersection rounding out the chaotic scenario. Schools of pedalling fish pass pagodas by on bicycles It is something to behold but not at all over the top. Life is celebrated all around me. A smile and a tear.

Jimmy, the local pot dealer wears a hat with an American flag on it but like most Americans has never read Thomas Jefferson. He looks like someone who needs to direct his intellect in other more creative ways but I doubt he will. Jimmy is a big Dodger fan and my love of baseball creates opportunities in the herbal market place.

He wants to move to California.

Meanwhile the neighbors see me as a combination Damon Runyan/ Walter Cronkite. They think I’m writing an important story with international, even cosmic, implications when actually I am day dreaming or taking an afternoon nap.

I haven’t seen so much as one cop in three weeks. Probably some commie plot.

Excellent Eats

In Hoi An a baby’s first word is not always Mama or Papa but often Cao Lau (a pork- based noodle dish with crisp-fried onion, sliced pork and assorted greens.) It is traditionally eaten for breakfast.

Today I sit munching incredible chicken and noodles with chopsticks and tiny napkins perched on what looks to be plastic children’s furniture. Then there are spring rolls and grilled tofu along with ginger fish sauce  After just three weeks I have become pathetically addicted to the food.

Watch out for the little green peppers. They make jalapeños taste like tapioca pudding. The red ones are even hotter. The only known antidote is yellow snow that must be imported from the mountains in faraway China. The Central coast is known for spicy food which is often exported to the sets of Hanoi and Saigon (HCMC) dramas (soap operas) to induce tears.

Over 45% of Vietnamese words have origins in Chinese. 60% of these translate loosely as “Let’s stop and eat”

In the vegetarian restaurants on Li Thai Do when a tourist asks for
a fork they have to send one of the kids to the neighbors to borrow one.

Start with the Can Lau and you’ll discover what might be the healthiest cuisine on the planet. Just ask that strapping water buffalo in the rice paddy next door.

After a nice bowl of noodles I wander down my soy toward my house in Cam Chau neighborhood. Ah, here we are, at my steep, slippery wheel chair access ramp that whispers “please be careful in the rain or you may end up in a one.”

Here comes my Vietnamese teacher. I have to go in now.

– Kevin Haley

Next time:
“Crossing the International Date Line Single”

“Go upstairs.”  – response from Dung (pronounced Jzung), my Vietnamese neighbor when I asked what I should do if the flood water started coming into the house (meaning unplugging the appliances, securing the porch plants and turning off the electricity and protecting the furniture).

Obama Cuts in Hoi An, Vietnam

UNDER THE TREE ’16

One intrusive and bothersome tradition that cannot be escaped over the holidays is our gift givers guide. We know that many of you are too busy sorting credit card offers, worrying Russian hackers and watching television to get around to any meaningful shopping for others. That’s why we’ve put together this varied roster of marginally functional premiums sure to tickle someone’s slippers on Christmas morning. And new in 2016 is our flagship San Juan Horseshoe Gift Insurance which protects the covered receiver from tasteless ties, bad chocolates and sweet perfumes. It even contains a clause undressing potential disappointments in the children’s sector as well as worthless knick-knack storage credits for the elderly.

WATCHED POT PLANT GROWER/INDUCER – Fits over the face like a view-finder or diving mask. Guaranteed to grow healthy house plants in just hours. Halogen light encourages lightening-fast maturity. Effective on everything from tomato plants to sensitive ivies and herbs. Comes with starter set, reversible lenses, carbon-monoxide film, foul weather gear. Why wait for plants to sprout the old way? Not suggested for Christmas trees or mistletoe. $159.99 at guerilla florists.

ARAB ALLIES SHOWER CURTAIN – Now it’s there, now it’s not. The transparent, anti-microbial, mildew-resistant vinyl-lined shower curtain protects from leakage and wandering eyes. Many come with simulated maps of Mideast tribal boundaries before European intervention in the 19th Century. Velcro attachments make cleaning a breeze. Simply hose it down. Doubles as a turban or chador in a fashion emergency. Matching prayer rug opens into American or British flag in the event of carpet bombing. $44.95 at Potties-Are-Us and other fine bath boutiques. Be sure to check out the digital toilet paper dispenser display and the revolving chrome toilet seats that few of us will be able to afford to be without this Yuletide.

FIND CHENEY GAME – It’s almost 2017. Do you know where your former Vice President is? Dick could be in Wyoming or maybe in Alaska drilling for crude. Maybe he’s on the Moon. Nobody knows in the beginning of the game which is played with a deck of aces and some little tanks and planes. The board, made exclusively of lamb’s wool, combines a colorful alpine backdrop with disappearing employee pension funds. Spy-Right wardrobe accessories assure that Cheney will remain out of the public eye. Dress him for any occasion, maybe a White House luncheon, maybe a stockholder’s meeting. Take Dick to the golf course where he lies about everything…even his golf scores! The first player to determine what Dick is up to is the winner. $19.95 at most gun shops and toy stores. Decoys slightly extra. After mastering the intricacies of this underhanded version consumers may want to move on to the FINDING DONALD TRUMP GAME expected to be released in February.

WALT’S RUBBER GARAGE LINER – Developed by local technician who grew tired of running into the garage with his car. Protects all four walls and insulated the electric door too! Somewhat bulky and difficult to apply without rubber tools and rubber hat. Effective against herd animals, drunks and tax assessors. Factory colors sure to match any garage decor. From the outside it looks like a normal garage but from the inside it resembles a cartoon rubber cave complete with windows and animated fossil fuel exhaust. Go ahead…Close your eyes and floor it. You’ll just bounce off! $129.99 at auto supply outlets. See living display at most local jails.

PEEING CHERUB SET – Perfect gift for the nouveau riche on your list. Decadence with a giggle. Classic pose accented by wrought-iron stand. Hand-caste resin statue beautifully detailed. Constant stream of consciousness from the personalized dangling participle. Brass or wicker with ivory-washed finish. Sorry: Matching weather-resistant bird feeder not available until spring. Discount for more than one. Rarely returned, 100% customer satisfaction assured. Movement sensitive lights, security buzzer, remote control directional flow and tinted water optional. $1099.99 at Clone Depots.

VIAGRA JOGGING SUIT – They’ll just have to see you coming with this trademark limited-edition jogging suit from your friends at Viagra. Soft-Corinthian spandex with logo prominently displayed in at least four places on garment. Give someone a leg up this holiday season with fashion that says virility all over it. Available in okra, burnt cocoa or fire engine red. As advertised on Monday Night Football. $99.99 at athletic clothiers and surviving local pharmacies.

AIRLINE FOOD PROCESSOR/READING LAMP – Perfect for the globe trotter on your list. Easy to smuggle past security just to see if you can. Takes all that chemically-packed space food and turns it into an edible survival experience. Simply place unwrapped food items into processor and push button. In moments it kicks out a compact bale or freeze-dried cube that makes an interesting, if not nutritious, lunch or dinner. Many experienced high altitude diners use their processor on the ground too since airport food is equally suspicious. Accompanying reading lamp doesn’t work very well but makes a great place to hide miniatures from temperance elements within the attendant population. $35.00 standby.

DEATH OF A SALESMAN PHONE KAZOO/WHISTLE – Everyone must be getting sick and tired of telephone solicitors with flat out amazing offers. Blow them off the line with the patented defense parameter beeping mouth harp. Hits a pitch that only pushy telemarketers can hear. Battery operated and compatible with answering machines so as to blast unwanted callers even when one is not home. Nickel-plated brass, dog hair repellent, easy to store. $31.99 with launcher. Order before December 24 and receive six free Scottish Highland Bagpipe Lessons (a $29 value). Offer good at pontificating merchants only.

MAIL BOX MINE FIELD – Protect yourself and your mail from terrorists this holiday season with the Homeland Security Mail Box Booby Trap Mine Ensemble. Schematic features mining blueprint for up to twenty-five yard circumference. Suited for networking in the neighborhood. Powerful detonator effective with the slightest touch. Combination lock or light sensitive device makes in impenetrable to intruders. Works great on moles, crows and other yard pests. Tests on bear-proof trash cans and child-proof prescription containers pending. $200.00 for expanded explosive selection, fuses and tiny identification camera. Not responsible for damages to rubber garage liners or peeing cherubs.

PATRIOT CELL PHONE – In red, white and blue. Show your support for world domination while you chat away mindlessly with friends and relatives. See-through for technical support maneuvers, caller ID to help round up suspicious citizens who don’t think the right way. Rear-projection device allows for display of U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights on the refrigerator door for those who still read. Vibrator allows for relaxation between calls. Monitoring hookup flashes when device is unplugged. Comes with National Security ID Bow Tie, fog-free blinders and ear plugs, official gov’ment neck weight and neon brain truss which creates up to 20,000 simulated brain impulses per byte. $39.95 per month.

KILLER INSTINCT BRONCO FIELD GOAL TOASTER OVEN – Start a fire under someone this Christmas with the sports appliance that everyone in the press box is talking about. State-of-the-art clock management, conservative quartz elements, choking mechanism prevents burn-out. Heats up great for about 45 minutes then cools off for the fourth quarter. Replaceable quarterbacks complimentary. Perfect for the golf course in early January too! Blocks dangerous UV field goals under the lights. $45.99 at sports memorabilia shows nationwide.

COMBINATION TRASH CATAPULT/LITTER BOX FAN
/BAGUETTE AIR FRESHENER SYSTEM – It may not be the best gift but it might be the biggest! Let’s start with the trash. Avoid dangerous treks to the garbage quadrant by hurling your debris. Why deal with ice, terrorists and dangerous four-legged predators all winter. Next we discover a handy litter box fan (three speeds) that keeps the odor down even while the cat’s away. If this isn’t strong enough just screw open the top of what looks like a simple loaf of bread and get rid of all other household smells instantly. Warning: Consumers have reported some confusion when using all of these devices simultaneously. Although tragedies are varied no one as yet has been killed. $699.99

TWENTY-THOUSAND LEAGUE BASEBALL MEMORABILIA – Discarded dental floss once used by Reggie Jackson, dirty socks collected from the Milwaukee Brewers’ locker room from 1999-2016 (complete set), a shampoo bottle emptied by a utility infielder who has moved on to the used car business. Too good to be true? Forget the days when players signed autographs for free, and Mantle and Mays roamed the outfield without a financial portfolio. Sod from the Astrodome, Rod Carew’s car seat, paycheck stubs from wrecked Rockies’ starting pitchers, a video rental receipt once thought to be the property to Andres Galaraga. The list goes on. No sports addict can resist! Market price.

THE COMING RETIREMENT ALARM CLOCK AND STAR WARS LAMPSHADE – Is someone on your shopping list about to take the big plunge into official retirement? Buy them the only alarm clock that not only counts the days until release from occupational bondage but also refuses to go off in the morning. Accompanying turntable base nuclear umbrella lampshade adds a little security to an otherwise frightening future. This gem slices, trims, mulches, waxes, purifies, embalms, soothes, magnetizes, downsizes, fattens, shakes, polishes and engages in a further an assortment of other verbs left over from our pile of notes for this article. $6,000 if the creek rises.

AL QUAEDA TRAVEL MIRROR – Why do these people hate us? Take a look for yourself. Framed by 50 years of foreign policy, accentuated by petroleum based distrust and cluttered conflicts the source of which no one cares to remember. Turn the magic dial and the human image will appear as thin as the average Palestinian refugee or the fattened desert prince. Laptop available. $1.2 million.

EVANGELICAL HEARING AIDE – Is someone on your list still talking to the power upstairs? You can insure their clear reception all hours of the day or night with this tiny metaphysical hearing aide from Salvation Optics. Keep the channels open and the message infallible. Comes with translation materials and phrase book in case God prefers to speak in Spanish. Non-transferable. One size fits all. $300,000. Financing available at most righteous electronic outlets.

FOR YOUR PET: This year sees a myriad of new products for our fur-bearing buddies. Probably the most impressive are the expanded collection of doggie tattoos and the runway car loader for fat dogs and cats. The pine beetle lattice talking elk head is another fine choice. It is sure to keep Rover or kitty busy for hours upon end!  Prices depend on tightness of leash laws and what side of the door you’re on.

FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, the reader, we ran out of time and space. Sorry we couldn’t review the VOICE-ACTIVATED DINGY, the perfect gift for the Yachtie; or the KING TUT GUITAR CASE, a genuine sarcophagus of King Tutankhamen. Likewise the SOFT DRINK CERAMIC TILE GROUT DISPENSER nor the already best selling “History of Hot Dogs” and “Photographing Bedroom Furniture” will receive the deserved notoriety of the season. We didn’t like the FISH HEAD CHARM BRACELET currently being pushed on Pee-Bay or the WORLD’S FAVORITE SIREN ENSEMBLES that the Salivation Army is selling. In Closing: The breakthrough MARTINI PILLS do work. If you’re just too busy to catch a buzz this season try one. They can be a great stress reliever but easy on the vermouth if you please.

Yuletide Duels #449

“Sir! You offend the feminine gender of the state of South Carolina with that careless talk of hoop skirts! I challenge you to a duel!”

And with the slap of a riding glove in Charleston, Count Marcourte set into motion a series of holiday duels unprecedented in American history. His opponent, a rank industrialist from Boston, was shot squarely through the forehead the next morning

A sellout crowd observed from a nearby hill.

The victim’s name was never clear. It was either Hazelrod or Hazelbloom, or something designating yellowish brown or worse. Count Marcourte had won the day and he revelled in his lopsided victory through the holiday season.
“No Yankee can hold a candle to a Southerner when it comes to combat,” said Marcourte. It was early June 1860.

The victorious count fought three more duels that year, winning all of them in the fine fashion displayed on that Charleston morning. In 1861, with the attack on Fort Sumter, Marcourte joined the Confederate Army and later lost an arm at Fredericksburg. After the war, he returned to the sport he loved so well and became a local legend as the finest one-armed dueler east of the Mississippi.

Finally, on Christmas Day 1879, Marcourte was struck between the eyes by an insubordinate clay brick of unknown origin. He lasted only moments.

SANTA TO DO BIC SHAVING COMMERCIAL

(North Pole) Santa Claus has agreed to appear in a series of television advertisements on behalf of BIC Corporation, makers of plastic, disposable razors.

Filming will begin after the Christmas holidays.

“We couldn’t think of a more famous beard than that matted, white mop that Santa displays on his cheeks and chin,” said a representative from BIC. “Sure, it would have been more effective to have him shave in November and do his thing without the beard but we don’t want to disappoint his younger clientele.”

According to the famous elf, his wife wanted him to shave last year but he refused. It was not clear whether financial considerations changed his mind or whether he just got sick of looking at all that hair in the mirror every morning.

“It’s no big deal,” said the BIC spokesman. “He’ll grow the thing back by March.”
The last time Santa shaved was way back in 1968 when he was concerned with being mistaken for a hippie. It was that same year that he was detained at the border until authorities could determine that he was who he claimed to be.

“It was an embarrassing situation for all of us,” remembers a border guard who questioned the elf back then. “The guy attempts to sneak across the border, then he insists he’s Santa Claus. What would you think? He has no paperwork, no identification, no visa. If it were not for that red suit and the reindeer we might never have made a positive identification.”

Groppo the Elf