READER RECIPES

The following culinary offerings were collected over the winter by bonne bouche/pot luck editor Juan Haute. They are probably approved by some federal agency or the other, and are currently being tested on nickel-and-dime politicians prone to taking their meals alone in their rooms.

QUICK ROADY BURGERS
Take approximately one half pound of lean ground beef and roll into a paddy using only left index fingers. Let stand, but remain seated. Place on toasted bun and garnish with tomato and pickle. Enjoy. Turkey burger can be substituted for ground beef, since it’s easier to catch one of those stupid birds than a whole damn cow.

SPAM-TWINKIE SURPRISE
In a large casserole dish combine grilled spam and twinkies saving the wrapper. After the mixture reaches a boil remove the white filling and place on the wall. Combine flour, water and lard to make a zesty crust. Turn entire ensemble often. Add one quart of gin and serve steaming over dirty rice or dry toast. Store leftovers on the window sill covered with last year’s visquine and a pinch of nutmeg. Serves four.

GRITS ON A SHINGLE
Boil grits until tender, adding jalapeno butter and light cream as you go. Pour concrete-like substance over Navajo fry bread for a multi-cultural delight. Hint: Your grits will come out fluffy if you prepare them (bulk rate) at sea level while wearing a Confederate uniform. Add tomato paste, holding back the tomatoes. Top with a mixture of shredded tofu and diluted yogurt seed, which will act as a deterrent to marauding pigeons hoping to rain on your parade.

LIVERWURST SOUFFLE
Soak lunchmeat in cooking oil over night. Fry bologna until it puffs up into convex shape. Baloney can be substituted for bologna in emergency situations. If meat is not tender, use as target practice and repeat the entire process. Prior to serving, arrange meat in pinwheel pattern to distract guests. Garnish with chopped garlic and crumbled memories of a difficult childhood.

EGGPLANT FIZZ
This popular summer beverage is easily produced using about a pound of half-baked eggplant and cup of sloe gin. Combine in a blender or shake vigorously for about 10 minutes until consistency is not in question. Add ice and top with seltzer water. Pour into large tub as guests may chose to submerge themselves in the mixture before drinking it. If supply should exceed demand on your first outing, do not despair. The eggplant fizz concoction works well as a kibble dressing or a grass roots lubricant on American automobiles or, of course, on a well manicured lawn.

POPEYE-OLIVE OIL WEDDING PLANNED FOR JUNE

Oooooooh…Popeye….

(Telluride) Comic book icons Popeye T. Sailor and Olive Oil have announced that they will be wed at the local yacht club sometime during this year’s Bluegrass Festival.

“It’s about time after a 80-year affair,” squinted the sailor, pipe dangling from his oversized lips. “I figured it was about time to make an honest woman of Olive.”

Oil will wear the combined ensemble of peasant dress and work boots that has become her standard over the decades. Her hair will be in a conservative bun accentuated by loop earrings. Her intended will be dressed in his sailor suit.

“Popeye is concerned about the removal of several erotic tattoos,” whined best man/caterer Wimpy (no last name given), “that he got in Singapore during the war.”
In a surprise announcement it was learned that U.S. former Attorney General Janet Reno would stand in as maid of honor. She and her current beau, Bluto, will fly into Montrose they day of the nuptials on their way to a gun show in Grand Junction.

The newly weds plan to spend their hideaway honeymoon on the Gunnison near Delta where a new crop of experimental spinach is about to pop. They plan to have a large family

No Smoking Section on Death Row

(Canon City) The Colorado Department of Corrections has yielded to pressure from prison activists to establish a strict No Smoking policy for the facility by spring. At present smoking is permitted on Death Row while other inmates are restricted from puffing in their cells, at chow and in the laundry.

“These anti-smoke people are within their rights,” said Zannie B. Volt, executive director of inmate-guard relations here. “It’s not fair for anyone to be exposed to secondhand smoke. It makes the whole cell smell.”

Costs as well as health considerations highlight a 3700-page report on the matter. Smoking in the yard will be acceptable if the prisoner has fulfilled other duties. The television lounge and weight room are off limits as is the visiting complex. The termination of smoking in these locales should alleviate pressure from black marketing and improve dental checkups.

“If you want to bring an incarcerated friend or relative a gift in jail try a cake with a file or maybe some bubble bath,” said Volt. “Just kidding,” he added.

Volt has been credited with the interior design of over 2000 cells from Wyoming to Miami and the blueprint for some 350 lightweight gallows scaffolding, made from recycled playground equipment. In 2007 he instituted industry fashion standards, getting away from the traditional stripes in favor of more checks and plaids (including the popular Plea Bargain Jumpsuit) in inmate attire. – Rocky Flats

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain to unnamed literary critic

Satire and false news

Satire has been defined as “quick bite – no wound”. False news is simply a series of repeated lies in the proper format. The latter is intended to frighten people for the benefit of the teller. Satire is intended to relieve the stress for the brighter segments of the population (people who can read) by making them laugh at society.

False news intends to alarm, mislead, confuse and provoke while satire attempts to tickle the intellect with often humorously veined juxtaposition of realities, pointed hyperbole and brash exaggerations…

False news: Liberals stocking up on arms –
Satire: Liberals eating raw bullets on the half shell with slightly chilled Chilean chardonnay –

Snow in the northern provinces of Vietnam

SATIRE: Vietnam Awakes to six feet of snow for Tet
FALSE NEWS: Scores dead as rogue Communist snowstorm leaves cruel wake – UN blamed.

Now you try: Which of the following are false news and which ones are satire?
1. Man arrested for handing out maps to the library
2. Spending time with her was like dating Ayn Rand
3. Ski Area Closes – Too Much Snow
4. Man Bites Dog

Vietnam Nudges Colombia in Ugliest Dog Competition

(Seoul — Why You Say Dawg News) — As of five o’clock the Republic of Vietnam has pulled ahead of perennial champion, Colombia and longtime powerhouse Grenada in the once prestigious International Ugliest Dog Pageant held in Seoul, Korea.

Angry critics insist that opening kennel doors to cats has lowered the stauture of the event causing it to lose it’s luster in the wake of what they call the diluted nature of today’s contest.

“Grandmother” (Ba) of Hoi An, is quick to point out that she has never been a contestant in the Ugliest Dog Pageant. She has however coached three of her colleagues to various honors.

The final competition, including the controversial bone and bathing competition, is slated for the weekend. Many mongrels see this intense face-off as the make or break in the event and their careers as ugly dogs. Local promoters expect more people than dogs in the gallery.

The International Canine Club, operating out of a back alley in Singapore verified the mongrel hierarchy much to the dismay of anyone other than a few skinny cats. Here are the current standings rated from one to ten.

Vietnam: 9.5  Colombia 9.2  Grenada 8.5  Cuba 8.3  Ecuador: 7.9  Laos 7.1  New Jersey: 6.8  Malaysia: 6.4 Nicaragua: 4.9 Kenya: 4.0

Honorable mention: Kampuchea, Brasil, Greece, Trinidad, Portugal and Dixie

– Dag Katz

Qui Nhon Days

The neighbor in Qui Nohn

Five hours on mini-van mad roads with a crazy driver could be more attractive than eight hours on a bumpy bus. Considering the quality of the seats and the amount of the fare, I was quite pleased, at peace and not confrontational, even though the thing left an hour late. That’s until a locked horns with Little Mussolini , the pushy  attendant on the minivan.

The beach road lined with beautiful parks and hotels under construction

“Hey kid”, ”I smiled in my best Vietnamese. “I was born with these longer-than-your legs. If you are spatially challenged I’d suggest you take it up with my father and mother.” I laughed but he scowled. We frowned at each other intently. Maybe it’s a Vietnamese thing that replaces fist fights or duels.

When we rolled into Qui Nhon. I walked over to the small transport dictator, shook his hand and thanked him. I think I scared the shit out him but we both gained a great lesson in packaging.

The cab driver was another sort all together. Mr Smiles. Great human being. We chatted away in my bad Vietnamese, that is certain to improve tomorrow or Tuesday next. He was happy because his friends owned the small homestay where I had the good taste to book three nights. He was happy about life.

She doesn’t look happy but she was a riot. Smacked me on the butt when I passed by the table.

Lan Anh Homestay ($14) sat toward the end of the beach road. A short distance away was a nice looking new roundabout that no one used. The old way took you right downtown and that’s where everyone, who is anyone, hangs out. These people were in no hurry. The roundabout may have been built for some future expansion. Hotels were going up like weeds.

Melvin Toole inhales a dinner of grouper enhanced by cutting edge beer in a bucket of ice technology. According a man in the bar it is a Vietnamese invention. Before the Chinese were here,” he added. Either way it works well. The gem of the dining experience was chao hai san – a delicious seafood porridge.

The room has a small balcony with plants everywhere. Next to it was a small Buddhist temple. May mat (lucky) choice. The host, a college student, was more than attentive. The I’ll buy if you fly solution worked well since Tung had a motorbike and I had a touch of the gout. (Beef pate with rice whiskey on my porch prior to leaving for Quo Nhon).

Seafood restaurants (hai san) dotted the street. They advertise Live Seafood and do a brisk business on fruits of the sea and other fresh delights.

Vietnam is a very young country. Here is the delightful staff of the rousing restaurant where I enjoyed lau ca (seafood hot pot) with my friends.

I have yet to hear a car alarm here or in Hoi An. Plenty of kareoke but no intrusions of the digital conspiracy. It appears virtually crime free on the Central Coast. One never sees cops. No violence. Smart people. Lots of them. Considerate and engaging. What a stark change from my country where everyone seems annoyed with everyone else.

No Trip Advisor – How Can we Survive? These folks have other fish to fry. In fact the only Westerners I met were on ride back, Jacob and Christine two lovely people from Czech Republic.

I’d like to go on but my rum is aging quickly in this climate and I must away!

May We suggest
Saigon-Qui Nhon hotel pool. Use of pool, weight room, sauna (if it works), towel, friendly people. Cost 20,000 Dong (90 cents). Right across from the beach in the middle of town.

The transport company itself was in fact very together. On the way back to Hoi An a young employee walked me to my ride and asked “Are you hungry?” We had five hours to go on the road. Had I said yes he would have run off and brought me noodle soup and then watched me slurp it smiling at his ingenuity with this foreign “grandfather”.

-Ming Toole