All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
JUDGE RULES ON CREDIT CARD FEEDING
Scoffs at Mandatory Legislation
(Ridgway) A local magistrate here says the care and feeding of credit cards should be a personal matter and up to the individual debtor. Furthermore, she ruled that credit card abuse did not fall under the jurisdiction of Sociable Services.
Heralded as a major verdict for personal freedoms by many there are still those who would have liked to see more regulations.
“If the consumer decides not to feed his card for a month that should be his business,” said Melvin Toole, a band saw repair analyst from Log Hill. “We already have the feds looking down our shorts at every turn as it is. Why would people want more government interference?”
The judge’s conclusion may have more extensive ramifications than first presumed due to a recent disclosure that Bill Clinton had put the Kosovo campaign on his Master Card.
“People just don’t realize that credit card purchases are the same as buying an item with cash,” said Toole. “The only difference is compounded interest.”
Despite the ruling most consumers continue to be kind to their plastic. According to a nationwide survey over 80% feed their cards, (generally in the morning) 70 % take them for a walk everyday and some even grant them a paid two-week vacation each year.
Small Mouth Bess
SNOWPACK ABNORMAL
Colorado residents and their guests are reminded that the current snowpack levels are unstable at the present time, exhibiting acute schizophrenic tendencies coupled with clinical brushes with chronic obsessive-compulsive behavior. Along with these classic maladies, we are observing a serious psychotic break with reality brought on by a tedious, often painful meltdown. In short, the snowpack has been cornered by a dysfunctional weather system that has left it climate-challenged and mildly neurotic.
Despite attempts to control this natural shift toward complete mental collapse by the application of drugs and an agenda of structured activities, the situation appears beyond help. The uninitiated are hereby warned to avoid contact with the snowpack and refrain from pointing, staring and snapping pictures of the subject during this seasonal duress.
GHOST WRITERS FRIGHTEN TRIBES
(Placerville) Ghost writers, allegedly in the employ of the San Juan Horseshoe, have been scaring the daylights out of stone age tribesmen camped on the edge of the San Miguel River here. The primitives, at first hostile, have taken to worshipping the spirit scribes, bestowing them with lavish gifts of gold and tellurium.
A longtime policy at the paper calls for the hiring of a skeleton crew of ghost writers for the summer so as to pursue historical documentation with minor embellishment.
According to publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe (CSA 1861-1863; USA 1863-1865) retired it is far easier recording local history when one is surrounded by a staff that actually lived during the prescribed period.
“Our agenda calls for first-hand accounts, not hearsay as practiced by so many other annal sorcerers,” spat the general. “Besides, we don’t have to pay them much, a few cheap beers and a few bags of jerky.”
Peculiarities like this tend to become debauched by chroniclers and then blown out of proportion by local plebeians already upset by news of spring riots in Purgatory and strikes in Limbo. Chanting
“Let us out or send us down,” unruly mobs of poor souls in both places are still out of control. At press time local authorities are cautious not to draw parallels to the two separate incidents, preferring to call the whole charade a paradox.
–Mary Wanna
Chief Ouray Named After Town
Red Mountain Dig Smashes Long Held Version
(Ironton Park) Archives exhumed from the old jail here suggest that the town of Ouray is older than previously believed and that Ute Chief Ouray was named after the mining settlement and not the other way around. According to the data Ouray was settled in 1830 by Neapolitan fur trappers from Santa Fe.
“The discovery throws our historical perspective out the window,” said D. Mickey Ratshoe Bennie, a local museum piece. “Now all the books will have to be rewritten. This really jerks my chain! Fortunately we have an idle, motivated populace that has already rolled up its sleeves and jumped into the fray.
Although the town had no charter and few dwellings in 1830, it was called Ouray, an Italian word for a preferred method of boiling pasta at higher altitudes. Three years later, when future chief, Ouray, was born in Taos, his mother looked up…saw pasta cooking over an open fire and named the lad. At the time she did not know he would become a celebrity or that the aforementioned confusion would occur.
Tet – Vietnamese New Year
Cho tung nam moi! means Happy New Year and it’s quite a celebration from what I remember of it.
Photo on wall of ocean cafe
After two months in Vietnam I have embraced a startling reality. Most of these folks speak Vietnamese. They are really nice but have only a few words of English and often don’t understand my bad tonal Vietnamese. But when they hear me stumble over their language some get brave and offer a few timid words in my native tongue. Going to the outdoor markets is the best education.
Then you meet some loony that speaks perfect English. One such fellow named Anh Ming is one of these. He lived in France for many years and learned English while he was at it. I like English better,” he explains. He likes to drink beer in his parlor/garage, much to the leaner profits that grace the family piggybank when he’s here. He’s a live wire in his US Army hat and his plan to go to Hollywood some day.
Dinner is served!
You speak good Vietnamese. Are you CIA?
Fortunately I get my information from strategic sources: The neighborhood grandmothers who know what’s rattling all the time. The aroma from the neighborhood kitchens tells me they know something about eating as well. Last night I created my first real Vietnamese dish!
An Bang Natural Beach
Like being in a Jack Nicholson movie, Chinatown not because of any close ethnic ties, but rather because Vietnam is a lot like Southern California in the 30s and 40s. It ain’t perfect but the shaded avenues and the beach are splendid.
Tet is loosly translated as “Lot of food. You eat please.” All the ancestors come back to eat at the food altars. “It’s cold at the cemetery and we want to warm them up” according to my teacher. The kids get Lucky money in pretty red envelopes and me too! All the cousins stop and pay their noisy respects to Mr Toi who is getting hammered at 70. I stop in for brief intervals and meet everyone then make a quick exit. Mot bira Hai bira Ba bira (one, two,three beers….constant toasts.) Toi phai di ve ang I have to go. You need this phrase to survive the hops assault.
But they are out of squid salad
I take a bike ride over to An Hoi Island which must be the cosmic nuclear vortex of Hoi An. Lots of people and higher prices for some unknown reason.
These poor, deprived, victims of Communism are happier and warmer than the freedom-breathing plastic Christians that I encounter and read about in the US. It’s a shame all these cute, little kids will be spending eternity in hell because they embrace Buddhism….
A sweet breeze rambles across the rice field at my door makes me happy but a little melancholy too.
These people are perched
to take their place
in a frightening world
No Chinese. No French. No Americans
A free Vietnam for the Vietnamese.
My house in Cam Chau.
Question: Will the 8 – 10 km on bike offset my bad behavior after dark? Then Yesterday 2 beautiful potted plants brought by landlord: I must now water them water every day. When do the responsibilities end?
Today I have to buy a regulation Western fork. It’s getting far too difficult to eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. The only way I can manage it is to turn up the lights and put my reading glasses on backwards. Tam beit!
ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT MISSING FUNDS
(Gunnison) The general accounting department at Western State College cannot account for more than $1.4 million dollars collected from a dorm bake sale in August.
“This is embarrassing,” said one faculty advisor. “What kind of an example are we setting for these kids. I’m sure it’s just an oversight but nobody needs publicity like this.”
According to administration source the money turned up missing after a dinner honoring 119-year-old alumnus Ernest Walpole, credited with designing the first recreational vehicle.
It is surmised that the funds were simply switched with the $23 collected at the honorarium. Maybe.
“All those cigar boxes look alike,” said one clerk who wished to remain unnamed. “How can we watch every penny?”
The district attorney is looking into charges that the funds were lost in a poker game with the Adams State debate team on Wednesday.
Meanwhile students are expected to reject a referendum that would allow Taco Bell and Sonic Burger 24-hour access to the turn-of-the-century chemistry lab. In a hotly contested campaign the fast food franchises had offered gold passes to prospective supporters. Hopped-up thugs continue to roam the campus this morning looking to prevent a high voter turnout.
– Rocky Flats
“The comfort of the rich rests upon an abundance of the poor.” – Voltaire
