All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Back to the mountains soon
…but I’ll miss days on the beach in Vietnam
Climate change skeptics eaten by migrating polar bear
(Bangor, ME) A contingent of oil and gas executives, attending a rustic retreat at the prestigious Horseshoe Lodge in northern Maine, was last night attacked and eaten by marauding polar bears headed south to eat.
Due ridiculously warm temperatures in the Arctic the traditional menu for the giant white bears has diminished causing the migration. Polar bear are known to prefer younger prey since the meat is known to be more tender.
Let’s take a hypothetical control group, like the US House of Representatives, where denial for profits is the game. Are these fossil fuel legislators at risk too or was the recent Down Eastern carnage simply a coincidence?
“We don’t see a lot of polar bears around here,” said Ed Perkins, of nearby Beartown Falls. “The idea of the white monsters targeting climate change deniers seems a little far fetched even for us.”
Tourism has always been sketch here and civic leaders are playing down the polar bear incident.
“Those weren’t polar bear. They were Canadian liberals dressed up like polar 
bears,” one said.
By evening the bears were still on the loose. Law enforcement has been beefed up and, although nobody seems all that interested in meeting a bear up close. State animal authorities are armed with riot gear, tanks canon and a blueprint which calls for the cornering of the bruin intruders somewhere near the Canadian border.
“We don’t now how many polar bear are migrating, if they are organized or acting alone, as predictable instinct dictates,” said a local deputy. “We are attempting to determine where they will strike next so we can intercept them before further damage occurs.”
The diet of polar bears includes seal, walrus and fish. People have entered the food chain since they move slow and generate a lot of garbage that serves as a tasty appetizer when not frozen.
“If the bears eat everyone in the United States we will just have to pack it in and start over,” said another unreliable source.
– Fred Zeppelin
“China, India, entire subcontinents could be subdued with less firepower than it took to keep the Irish in place.” – The Eternal Irishman…
Movies of note-A quick review
Ratings *****Worth the investment ****Better than TV
***Still waiting for the book**Great time to nod off *Utter crap
GIRL WITH THE DULL EARRING – Severe indictment of Dutch society, hair styles and ear piercing techniques in the 16th Century. Attempts at eroticism fall short due to extremely unattractive characters. Everyone appears constipated or just downright mean. Costumes are the only saving grace in this costume drama.**
DODGEBALL – A ribald documentary which presents US Mideast policy in a good light. Lots of graphic flag waving and mindless jingoism alone make the film worth the admission price. Warning: If you are offended by your own nudity this movie may not be for you.***
HARRY POTTER: PRISONER OF AZKABAN – Potter goes to Iraq, is captured by militants and forced to memorize the Koran. Co-stars Cat Stevens as Iran.
KILL BILL – Former President destroys any chance at literary posterity (cash up front) by this lousy best-selling autobiography. Soon-to-be-released film is on the level of The Terminal which is slightly worse than Girl With the Dull Earring and Raising Rummy. Did this guy really go to Oxford?*
GARFIELD – Cartoon version of the short administration of President James A. Garfield. High water marks, such as his marriage to Lucretia Rudolph computer generated. Splendid impersonations and voice overs of Chester A. Arthur by cat-like Bill Murray.***
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (The sequel) – Humans are urged to leave earth. “It’s too dangerous! We can no longer protect you!” say Shrek-like storm troopers. Examines frightening elements of a not too futuristic planet including North American bus travel and the depleted gene pool.****
THE STEPFORD DIVES – Diva robots sling oil drinks in dark, Kuwaiti daytime bar rooms while their control freak emir husbands lap it all up. Many humorous asides from Mr. Boston Bartender’s Guide. How many times will thus worn-out theme survive the cutting room morgue? Almost enough to make one want to go to work.**
Horseshoe Stock Skyrockets in Forth Quarter
The average share of stock in San Juan Horseshoe, Ltd. is up a rousing 17 1/4 from the previous period it was announced today. This cumulative gain leaves the hated scandal sheet 15th in net gains and 5th in overall volume through November. Investors have even allowed maverick publisher Kashmir Horseshoe to purchase badly needed office supplies, including an alarm clock and a pencil sharpener as a result of the recent gains. Here are the quotes in a nutshell:
NYSE LEADERS BY VOLUME
Company Sales cls chg
IBM 2,192,400 36 1/4 +3 1/4
American T&T 1,652,200 134 1/2 +1 1/2
ITT Corp. 1,605,876 21 1/2 +1 1/4
Citicorp 1,590,800 44 +1 1/4
SJ Horseshoe 1,500,005 13 +19 1/4
Wstgh El 1,235,005 39 1/4 -3 1/4
Goodyear 1,180,050 24 1/4 -1/2
Phillip Pts 960,000 28 1/2 +1 1/4
Hamm Pape 900,500 34 1/2 +1/4
Fed Nat Mtg 895,700 45 +2 1/4
For related article see
“Newsprint Drops on Spot Commodity Market:
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INSIDE YOUR ISSUE:
Dirt Bag Law Taken to Cleaners by Council
Overdue Spruce-Up Crosses Partisan Lines
in “All the News”
Fast food found to kill pine beetles in laboratory
Major Breakthrough Leave Doubters in its Wake
In “Your Immediate Health”
Price of ladders, scaffolding skyrockets in Mexico
Carpenters, Hoarders Drive Up the Cost Of Travel
In “The Trades”
Marxists Remember Groucho
Posthumous Honor Bestowed With Fanfare
In “The Arts and Some”
Hitler’s favorite stand up comedian passes
Schadenfreude Dealt Weighty Blow
In “Looking Back”
Math Corner:
How many tortillas would $21.6 billion*
buy for starving children in Mexico?
*estimates for building Trump’s wall
In “Breaking Science”
And you have the cajones to ask:
What’s all this to-do about yoga pants?
“Abandon dope all ye who enter here.” – sign at any one of Colorado airports, with apologies to Dante.
