All Entries Tagged With: "Silverton"
Tsunami Gets Best of Scribe
(Okinawa) A visiting dignitary was badly beaten while swimming amid the exotic Ryukyu Islands according to a report filed this morning. Melvin Toole, the governor pro tem of Palau Island, was recovered hours later in the nets of a local fishermen who plans to sue everyone remotely involved in the incident.
Toole, who claims royal lineage dating back to the Sumerian pirates who once roamed these shores, is the author of Seeing the World From the Bottom of the Sea. His book chronicles adventures experienced while in the Portuguese submarine service during the Falkland Wars.
Legally referred to as Melvin DeRiviera Dot Com Toolini the almost knighted carbuncle, reportedly lost his monogrammed umbrella to the storm. At press time it has not been recovered.
Utopia Busted
(Crested Butte — Wing and a Prayer Review — March, 2017)
Police arrested over 300 persons in a predawn raid near Dark Canyon this morning. Those now in custody are wanted in connection with the establishment of utopian society up high in the Elk Mountains and away from the 21st Century.
It is believed that the community has been functioning without currency or taxes and has survived by selling cookies in town and trading the profits for necessities.
Police were tipped off to the existence of the utopia by carnivorous backpackers who came upon the scant encampment while wandering around lost in the woods.
Along with the detained, a subsequent search of the area netted an estimated 1700 pounds of chocolate chips and almost a ton of pecans with an estimated street value of $1.4 billion. Other paraphernalia such as mixing bowls, Dutch ovens and countless aprons were seized.
It is hoped that this action will severely curtail and seriously diminish illicit cookie operations in accordance with the far-reaching War on Fudge coming to a checkpoint near you.
– Tommy Middlefinger
HB 86 Angers Realtors
(Crested Butte) House Bill 86 which would prevent realtors from running pictures of themselves and/or their dogs in print advertising has created the expected ruckus within the ranks of the profession. Saying that the restrictions would place agents at a distinct disadvantage when attempting to reassure buyers several local realtors have already filed suit.
“We have to show a human face, even if its been lifted,” said one aging beauty here. “The potential buyer wants to believe that we are honest and trustworthy and that we’re not jacking up prices just to make a larger commission. The dog thing has been dynamite. It presents us as loving pet owners. Nobody can resist a Golden Retriever.”
In recent years realtors have taken to running pictures of dogs in their display ads in an attempt to create a positive perception of themselves as god-fearing, dog-loving, average Joes just out to make an honest living.
Muffy Hollandaise, a local realtor on Elk Avenue, said she does not expect the proposed ruling to affect her bottom or bottom line.
“If they won’t let us put our mugs in the ads we can simply run pictures of little kids or grandmothers. If they can the dogs we’ll just run cats instead. There are lots of cat lovers out there with a down payment. Maybe erotic shots would do the job. They seem to work for the fashion industry and successfully market beer to fourteen-year-olds.”
Primitives, who once roamed the earth without the concept of private ownership of land, still fear that a photo threatens the subject with the loss of his soul.
“Bucolic beliefs like these are ridiculous and have no bearing on realtors or our rights in a free market system,” said Hollandaise.
– Susie Compost
Congressional Recess Nets Cuts, Scrapes
(Warshington DC — Playground Press — March, 2017)
Noon’s Congressional recess resulted in several scraped knees, an assortment of banged up elbows and at least one bloody nose according to hall and playground monitors here.
Empty swing after Congressional recess gets ugly
The most serious incident involved a freshman Senator from Colorado who was hit in the head with a brick, allegedly tossed from a nearby housing project. Of added concern was the condition of a State Representative from New York who fell face-first off the monster slide and lost a front tooth.
In other minor action, 13 congressmen from several different states have complained of having their lunch money stolen since Spring Break while an unnamed Senator from Maryland was reportedly hit by a bouncing “spit ball” check while he stood in line at the water fountain.
Readers may recall last month’s blotter where two Capitol pages engaged in “a frivolous and ferocious fistfight” over the swings with both of them falling into the gravel and tearing their trousers.
As the final bell rang the situation remained hopeless for most incumbents who returned to their assigned seats to complete the afternoon’s lessons.
– Gabby Haze
The Ersatz Presidency
A One-Act Play
We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming and detour from our usual exclusion of all things Trumpesque because of the overload of issues generated by his presence at the helm. Our policy has been no avoid giving the President attention just like one would do with a mad child.
Scene: The Tower of Babble in NYC
Richard Wagner’s “Dien its das Reich” is playing in the background.
Steve Bannon: No you don’t understand! The orange hair stays. It’s all part of the distraction. He needs to keep the hair. It is such a magnificent smoke screen and it keeps too much from going over his head. I demand he keep the hair!
Will Hurd (R-TX) “The wall is a 3rd century solution to a 21st Century problem”
Jeff Sessions: I tried to dye my hair orange to match the President’s mop but it came out a kind of fool’s gold color. Now will the rest of the Cabinet and House GOP follow suit?
Kellyanne Conway: The Democtars are listening to us on the microwave. The shipment of red ties arrives in the House tomorrow. Then we will see who is loyal and who is not by color of the noose around their necks.
John McCain: What about the Russian dressing? This is blue cheese.
Will Hurd (R-TX) “The wall is a third century solution to a 21st Century problem”
Ted Cruz: What’s that? I missed it. I was talking to God.
God: “Why do you act like this Ted?
Why do you tell the sheep that you talk to me.
We have never talked. You are a hateful fake
Donald “Don’t Call Me Don” Trump: We appear to have accidentally pulled federal funding from FOX NEWS. It’s fantastic!
Mike Pence: My heart is with the GOP. I await my ascendency. My eyes are on my bank account. My soul is in an Indianapolis dumpster.
Ivanka Trump: Buy my line at Wal-Mart
Steve Bannon: Can I borrow some shampoo? I left mine in the War Room. Why is do I look like a wino? Why is my hair always dirty?
All: Trumpty Dumpty Putin and Lie, grabbed the girls and made them cry.
THE END
