All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
God Recuses Self From Human Predicament
(Celestial Fields) The Creator has reportedly recused himself from the frantic situation on earth saying that the recklessness of humans was “not what I had in mind when I concocted the place.”
The announcement came as a shock to many of the self-proclaimed faithful who thought they had in inside route to salvation. A spokesman for the Omnipresent Being went on to explain that God was sick of all the holier-than-thou solicitation and the burgeoning requests from the righteous who do next to nothing to help their fellows.
“Maybe someday these tiny-brained beggars will really read their bible and start practicing love and kindness toward other inhabitants of the planet,” said a voice from a nearby cloud.
Spiritual watchdogs expressed further concern with a shocking announcement that God would employ Instant Replay to determine who had been good and who had been bad. The concept of forgiveness, they say, would take on a whole new light.
“The adoption of further review could put a lot of people in hot water and a lot of charlatans out of business,” said the cloud voice. “Getting away with cheating will be far more difficult and these saints might have to embrace conscience instead of mouthing their counterfeit chants.”
“So this guy created this whole mess and now he’s baling?” one mega minister asked his congregation. “Maybe we’d be better off living for today and not worrying about all this eternity business.”
In what might be the first time mortal journalists have interviewed someone of such high status, the question was posed and then waved off, only to be tackled by a pasty-faced, bespectacled archangel with a stuffed briefcase.
“That’s what they say, and yes…God may well be on to other solar systems,” said the archangel. “The time has come for you to survive on your own without transcendent input. You knew there were no guarantees when deliverance was concerned.
– Dieter Upanishads
“Governments don’t really govern. They just promote campaign slogans, questionable elections and keep the money moving.” – Uncle Spam
Indian Farmers Must Provide Mug Shots of Cows
(Mumbai) A local township has asked ranchers to supply photographs of their cows so as to help enforce the state’s new ban on illegal beef sales.
Most farmers have complied with the request that requires complete dossiers on each animal said a civil spokesperson familiar with cows and incidental paperwork.
Recent legislation has all but terminated commercial slaughter but the new ID program will alleviate all killing and help trace animals thefts too. It was not clear if the cattle would be tattooed, stenciled, branded or otherwise categorized so as to simplify identification.
“When the cows are out of the gate we go into action,” said Maho Charley, a barrister in Mumbai. “Thieves are desperate and despite facing jail time they continue to thwart the attempts of the authorities to enforce legal and customary mores when it comes to reincarnation, fertilizer and often militant vegetarianism.”
Cows in Hindu India are considered sacred just like they are in Western Colorado. The difference is that we eat them and they don’t. Although cows in South Asia often look skinny and malnourished they are happy and free to live long lives. It may not always be pretty but thy wake up every day to eat and poop. In Colorado the quality o life may be much better but the lifetime could be cut short at any time. Whatever the market and the needs of the rancher dictate.
In an attempt to cement a national ban the police need purchase records, ownership details, known relatives, political leanings and net worth of each cow. These are what they are calling dossiers.
“I don’t even have access to data like this for my children,” squawked one cattleman from Malegaon, 250 kilometers from the capital.
Supporters of the bovine information gathering hope that a clear census and consensus might defuse tensions between Muslims (who eat meat) and Hindus (who do not generally eat meat) in the region. Often Hindus become resentful watching Muslims gobble down chicken-fried steak or a burger while they are stuck with Dahl and chickpea stew.
“You wouldn’t eat your water buffalo if you needed him to help plow the fields not would you eat cow when it could be your ancestor,” said Charley. “Selling cow meat is a felony in northern Haryana state and the noose is tightening each day.”
-Suzie Compost
You’re reading The San Juan Horseshoe — Official website of the Federal Government Shutdown, January 2019.
Marmots growing much larger, exhibiting taste for meat
Suddenly carnivorous, once vegetarian marmots are growing larger than ever before. To compensate for the bizarre growth these hungry animals may need more than seed and insects. Traditionally leaf-blossom and legume eating, these grand marmots often engage in frightening jungle behavior.
Yellow-bellied marmot in natural habitat on Red Mountain Pass. Growth spurts over the past years have resulted in a giant species much to the confusion of scientists and the chagrin of those on the lower food chain.
They were once seen as cute and harmless, insignificant in a world of fast cars and even faster landslides. They were those meaningless herbivores, although they never really warmed to the name. The razor-sharp bicuspids would attest to a very different agenda.
Things may be very different soon.
Alpine biologists say it’s some more of that climate change business up high. More time to eat, less to sleep due to weather. Fur trappers, who pepper these hits in search of prey say the animals have always harbored vile resentment but until recently were too little to eat people.
“My partner Jeb got caught out alone in Bostwick Park when three or four of the marmots surrounded him. Fortunately Jeb distracts them with mirrors and trinkets then made his escape down the south wall of the Black Canyon.”
“He was never so happy to see the bright lights of Cimarron,” exhaled the trapper.
Civic leaders are calling for military action in the face of the burgeoning threat. They say they are at risk of being overrun in many of the more remote villages in the Rockies. Many have already called in airstrikes on their positions which they called insecure and tempting to the resurgent ravished rodents.
Already other predators like fox, coyote and deer have recorded incidents of bullying, hole (claim) jumping and seizure of foodstuffs to verify their claims.
The once cute, docile whistle pigs were wonderful neighbors who kept to themselves, scampering about among the boulders, the wildflowers, the scree and the tundra. They have had their day in the sun. Now they want their day in the sun, get it?
And they probably don’t like people talking or writing about them while they are hibernating either. In that light we will surrender the pen and bow out of the conversation gracefully with this above warning.
Scientists fear that when the rodents reach about 200 pounds the food chain will detour drastically leaving even urban residents at risk of vicious confrontations in their homes or on the street.
-Atila Diggins
(Continued on Hard News)
PINK FLOYD TAKES EXCEPTION TO CHINESE LUNAR PROBE
Far Side of the Moon? Pardon me
(LONDON) The much beloved rock and roll band, Pink Floyd, has no problem with people walking all over the moon. Whether they are American, Russian, Chinese or Martian makes no difference to the musical group that claims millions of listeners down here on earth.
What Pink Floyd does not appreciate is the reference to the Far Side of the Moon that, according to photos taken by the Chng’e 4 Rover, is not dark at all. Besides squashing legends akin to green cheese and the man in the moon, the soft touchdown on the lunar surface confirms the impossibility of direct communication from the earth.
“The far side of the moon always points away from the earth leading early astronomers to refer to it as the dark side of the moon,” said a Chinese astronaut who expects to land on the lunar surface sometime in 2019. “We love Pink Floyd but the lyrics in Dark Side of the Moon are incorrect!”
Claiming poetic license, Pink Floyd does not want to made out to be liars or lose the allegiance of its fan base due to “petty observations and the opinion of those who would discredit musical adaptation and mild reference to concepts held deep in our hearts and accepted in our vernacular.”
The Chang’e 4 landed in the Von Karman Crater in December, a landmark located on the far side of the celestial body. Scientists in Shanghai say they hope to further study the surrounding dirt and subsurface and send back photos proving there is no real dark side of the moon.
And this on the heels of the lunar development space explorers at Kepler Mission K2 say they have discovered an entire new world out of reach of our solar system. Called K2288Bb the project has detected countless planets and stars unknown to man before this date.
“Many of these planets could support life,” said a Kepler spokesperson. “This is an exiting discovery although it may take centuries to determine just what we have found here.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
CHINA COULD CUT OFF FISH STICK EXPORTS
Aid to Puerto Rico will just have to wait
Just over a year ago China recorded a major public relations victory in the Caribbean by unveiling a mega plan to rescue Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria left the island in ruins on September 20, 2017.
Now it risks alienating everyone in the region by threatening to cut off his or her fish sticks. The unidentified ocean product made to look like a stick is, like beans and rice and johnnycakes, a major staple to the people here.
“Why catch and clean a fish when I can buy frozen replica right there at the grocery store?” asked one woman who insisted that her family could not survive without the frozen facsimile.
The Chinese figured that with little effort they could make new friends and make Trump look bad. The President and his staff were chronically slow in coming the aid of what is virtually an American colony. Readers will recall the footage of the President merrily tossing paper towels to traumatized victims of the storm. Racist overtones were as thick as an oil pipeline.
“China has been quick to expand its sphere of influence in Africa and Southeast Asia,” said a respected public official in San Juan, “and the Caribbean is ripe for investment and exploitation. “We have seen what happens when a culture sells off its natural resources for trinkets and modern conveniences.”
Thousands of families lost their homes when Maria landed her vicious right cross. Residential areas are still suffering. Transportation is still not back to normal. Blue tarps are still covering thousands of homes, especially in the central mountains.
“This obvious grandstanding by an enemy of freedom will in no way detour our plans for the complete recovery of the island,” said a Trump appointee on the ground in Puerto Rico. “If China thinks she can showcase our impotent response to the disaster and insensitivity to human suffering they’ve got another think coming.”
It gets uglier: In late 2017 the Red Cross had collected 71 million dollars for Puerto Rican relief and yet the agency said it did not have the money to help the island’s inhabitants. Then earlier this year “friends in the Congress” granted lucrative contracts to US firms to provide food and shelter to Maria’s victims. Despite the transfer of funds little has actually been done, especially for the poorer residents.
“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”
– Gracie Allen
Voter Turnout Akin to Wash Day
(Dayton, Ohio) Statistics compiled during the mid term elections confirm suspicions that more people did their laundry than showed up at the polls on November 6. The domestic chore of clothes washing won out by just a few percentage points—an improvement over 2016.
Is this the 49% that the two-party campaign pimps have been bragging about?
Sociologists contend the behavior indicates that voters would rather have clean clothes than elect clean leaders in the House and Senate. Many feel disconnected to the political process and prefer to spend time and attention on domestic and janitorial matters that they can control.
“Who could blame these people considering the terrible choices that both parties present,” asked Bert Cheer, proprietor of Bert’s Scrub and Wash, reputed to be the largest commercial/retail laundromat on the planet. “I’ve seen gray polo shirts more interesting than the issues presented to the voters. These politicians keep talking but offer no answers. I’ve seen worn-out bloomers with far more imagination and insight.”
When asked why potential voters couldn’t wash their socks and cast their vote on the same trip to town one researcher suggested that it would be too much for most.
“Like a hungry man too lazy to cook some folks have enough trouble getting the right change and separating the whites from the colors,” she said. “To ask them to multi-task in this manner would clearly blow a fuse in their poorly managed lives. Maybe if the gov’ment added bleach or fabric softener they would pay more attention to their democracy.”
– Tar Sands
