All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
Byzantines Will Loan Money for US Border Wall
(Constantinople) The Byzantine Empire (330 -1453) has agreed to loan the United States 8 billion dollars to pay for the construction of a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. Sidestepping accusations of collusion, the Byzantines reluctantly agreed to bring in slave labor.
The loan would be of the World Bank quagmire meaning that the money would be loaned to the current rulers who could spend it as they see fit and then pass the debt along to the taxpayers, often into the next generation.
“It works great if you happen to be on the top of the egg,’ said Sparrow Maguire, a poultry philosopher of some regard. “If you are poor you are now poor with fewer services. If you are rich you can pay for the services and life will continue as it was before. The ramifications: Cold, hard fiscal disaster hits Grandpa in the teeth or little cousin Mary can’t go to college. The family flooded out last spring will starve. There are no libraries or free swimming pools.”
Agreeing that the proposed and hotly contested separation structure was “a medieval answer to a 21st Century problem”, the Byzantines cast themselves as experts, having once overseen the construction of what is arguably the finest wall of the Middle Ages.
Saying that they always paid subcontractors, and that this Bone Star Wall was no more than a monument to narcissism, the Byzantine National Bank remained poised to cut a check this morning while fist fights erupted in the House of Reprehendables.
Pro-Wall demonstrators clamored for more walls while cheering and delighting to murals of famous great walled cities on a Pennsylvania Avenue big screen. The walls of Monteriggisni in Italy, Cartagena in Colombia and Znojmo in the Czech Republic were there for all to see.
“They are magnificent,” said Maguire. “Eminent domain is not so bad. I figure a lot of these folks voted for it. They want to keep those dirty immigrants out but not with their land up for grabs.”
What the Byzantines hope to gain from the arrangement was not clear as the second round of negotiations came to a close on Friday. Insiders say there is more to this rodeo than barrel racing. Some say they smell a rat.
“Hey, walls are great, for a while and for temporary purposes,” said Basina Minicea of the Byzantine Coalition, currently shaking off sand at a West Palm Beach seminar. “We have the money stashed from a Knights Templar foul up in 1187 and would like to see it grow.”
Although no interest rate was discussed, it prompted Pro Wall advocates through The South to offer “wall acreage” to their besieged leaders. Unfortunately the land offered was nowhere near an international border and immigrant traffic is negligible.
The Constantinople Wall, built in the 4th and 5th Centuries, housed an entire city inside with size a scale unseen in the modern world. It stood twelve meters high and a massive barrier chain of wood and iron shackles could be dragged and anchored to protect the nautical approaches to the city.
“It worked well for us until the 15th Century when the Ottoman Turks showed up outside of town and kicked our asses,” said Minicea.
If all goes well the ruins of the wall might be rediscovered 1500 years from now much to the delight of archeologists and grave robbers. According to past histories it might attract a few tourists.
– Melvin O’Toole
No Lie Zone Riles Kellyanne, Huckabee Woman
An unprecedented No Lie Zone, banning both Kellyanne Conway and the Sarah Huckabee Sanders from the press conference microphone goes into affect this afternoon after much blind whining and tweeting by the Oval Office.
Calling his close advisors good Christians, the extramarital chief executive blasted the action taken by what he called “rogue factions of the U.S. military” over the weekend.
These two women are gold, “the last of the loyal,” said Trump. “Liars have long noses. I don’t see any long noses here.”
The Air Force decided on the restrictions after burgeoning mistruths and childish explanations continued to flow from the two spokespersons. The No Lie Zone will be conducted much like a No Fly Zone that prohibits certain movements and access to conventional response.
“Farfetched tales emanating from this den of thieves would make Pinocchio blush,” said an unidentified source investigating Donald Trump’s golf handicap.
Both Kellyanne and Huckabee have been nominated to the prestigious Liar’s Hall-of-Fame in Truth or Consequences NM. In the recent past the honor has been bestowed on such great liars as Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin and Richard Nixon. Until 2009 the “society” was strictly men-only but due to pressure from the Obama Administration women are now eligible for induction.
“Sometimes it is difficult to separate the blatant lies from genetic stupidity,” continued the handicap scrutinizer, who shared concerns that Trump aides and devotees are worse than the product they support.
“Turning one’s attention away from criminals does nothing for the duped,” he added. “Is deceit now the business of the day?”
Meanwhile Mike Pence announced he would opt out on his final two years of WH eligibility and enter an assisted living agreement with Madame Tussauds Wax Museum for treatment in February. “Let’s just say he’s not joining the staff,” said a bystander familiar with the alteration.
– Small Mouth Bess
“Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”
― George Orwell, 1984
DIALING UP THE SNOW GODS
Praying for snow
(Crested Butte) As the old saying goes if you want a god to listen to your petty needs first you have to get his/her attention. Unlike the mule scenario, a club is not recommended. Rather, the snow sports enthusiast and the water user need to tune into certain rituals and observances to facilitate communication and secure the good will and blessings of our betters up there in the sky.
In recent dry years the practice of petitioning the gods has grown into a mega business with network astrologists, television evangelists, and an assortment of voodoo vagabonds leading the way. Don’t be thwarted by these charlatans and moguls of miscalculation. The only way to secure the support of these celestial loafers is to follow the strict guidelines put down in this manifesto.
Hooking Up with the heavens
First of all one doesn’t want to waste a lot of time talking to the wrong god. Some of these beings specialize and care not to detour from their eternal quest. There are gods of war, goddesses of love and fertility, gods of drink, gods of game, gods of dispossession, gods of second-hand clothing…The list is endless. Before you seek the help of any god do your homework. Your credibility is important. (Note: Most gods speak English and respond to faxes, E-mails and other cumbersome baggage of the Information Age.) Keep in mind that all gods, even the Judeo-Christian god are not American citizens. While this is shocking to some, it has been substantiated time and again. To reach the specified god just look up into the sky and say, “Excuse us our interruptions and palpitations but, like, could you make it snow this afternoon?” If the god is sleeping, clipping his toenails or engaged in a board game, it might be better to call back in an hour.
Rituals are all important
It is considered rude to stand while talking to the powers in the sky. The correct posture is down on both knees (see figure #99) with eyes fixed to the sky. Keep favors concise and offer to do whatever it takes to placate the forces of nature. Always thank your chosen benefactor and burn offerings quickly so as not to be busted by atheistic air quality control personnel. It is not necessary to purchase gifts for your god since they pretty much have everything. Leaving a small glass of rum or a tumbler of Wild Irish Rose should do the trick, at least it has for the author. Going kosher is perfectly acceptable but not expected unless one is requesting intercession on matters of the Old Testament or looking for advice on custom tailoring or where to buy crumb cake.
Keep your karma, Parma
If you’re hoping to gain a positive response start by getting your affairs in order. Don’t kick the dog or yell at the neighbors. Be kind to your family and pay your local venders. Remember: This reincarnation racquet could be for real. Don’t run over marmots, respect trees and smile at everyone (even realtors, who might have been rabbits, snakes or your Uncle Jack in former lives). Most of the gods can spot a phony from miles off and are all too happy to lead solicitors on before dropping them on their heads. Incense is not necessary while praying unless the gods have cooked catfish the night before. When sending wee-mail address the god as Dr., Mr. or Ms. as in Dr. Powderzeus, Mr. Karishslush or Ms. Aphrodumpe. Etiquette is all important to the idle rich.
A little chanting goes a long way
The last thing your average god wants is noise. We suggest that you whisper or attempt to get your message across with simple telepathy. If you must talk do so in a monotone. There is no need for inflection or trying to stress a point. These cloud squatters have been around for centuries and have heard it all by now. When you engage a god in conversation state your purpose and desires plainly and distinctly. Don’t ask twice for the same privilege. If you’re looking for a genie in a bottle or a leprechaun’s gold you’re in the wrong story. This is mythology, not legend or hearsay. Most importantly: DO NOT WHINE to the gods. They, like everyone else in your life, cannot justify time spent in complaint.
Be prepared for live sacrifices
Some of the younger gods are still testing their worth and may ask for live sacrifices. Sheep, goats and cattle are generally favored. Chickens (plucked) are considered to be too small while elk (dressed out) are often too large to drag through the heavens. Most gods prefer their sacrifices cooked medium to medium rare. With this approach you are not screwed if your divine diner decides to send the fare back. Sacrificing a sandwich for lunch or a bowl of Wheaties for breakfast might work just so long as the other gods aren’t watching. Use good common sense and you’ll get through this part without lightning strikes or the rendering of plague or pestilence. Most people agree that swarms of locust are no fun. Incompetence here could spell disaster for the rest of us.
Consult our voice-mail index for further excursions
The Horseshoe has been constructing a virtual reality communications system (800-SNO-GODS) aimed at the sky. Although it has not been completed it has been released into cyberspace for your convenience. Please read the instructions before proceeding.
1. If you are not concerned with avalanches PRESS 2 NOW.
2. If you only want it to snow in specific regions PRESS 3 NOW.
3. If you want correspondence in Innuit or High Texan PRESS 4 NOW
4. If you’re looking for snowboard information please connect to our challenged web page at www.linkmissing.com.
5. If you think you’re a god and you’re trying to reach us try our wee-mail.
6. Establish ski in/ski out potential
7. If your particular god wants a bribe, offer rum or cigars. NO GLASS BOTTLES please.
8. If all else fails ask your dog to intercede for you. Most gods prefer housebroken dogs and cats to people for obvious reasons.
That should do you. Grab those knee pads and get to praying. Just be prepared to help clean up the mess.
Trump Trumped by Bridge Society
(West Palmetto) The American Bridge Fellowship announced plans to drop the term trump from its rules book, jargon and vernacular it was disclosed following a light lunch this afternoon.
Saying the word association was hurting the game the card player’s league issued a temporary password replacement…for any reference to the noun or predicate and for the action of trumping:
Defined as…
noun
(in bridge, whist, and similar card games) a playing card of the suit chosen to rank above the others, which can win a trick where a card of a different suit has been led.
• (trumps) the suit having the rank above the others in a particular hand: the ace of trumps.
• (in a tarot pack) any of a special suit of 22 cards depicting symbolic and typical figures and scenes.
• (also trump card) a valuable resource that may be used, especially as a surprise, in order to gain an advantage: in this month General Haig decided to play his trump card: the tank.
• informal, dated a helpful or admirable person.
verb [with object]
(in bridge, whist, and similar card games) play a trump on (a card of another suit), having no cards of the suit led.
• beat (someone or something) by saying or doing something better: taste trumps most if not all other factors when consumers choose food products.
PHRASAL VERBS
trump something up
invent a false accusation or excuse: they’ve trumped up charges against her.
ORIGIN
early 16th century: alteration of triumph, once used in card games in the same sense.
The move was lauded even applauded by fringe groups within the 104-card deck including the maverick legions of the American Contract Bridge League.
That powerful lobby issued a warning with regard to bad links and termination dates on such perishables as felt, plastic visors, poker chips and traditional gourmet items hinged to the competition.
“Our tedious relations with banks have been legendary for decades,” said Marvel Malaroitte, of the parent group.
“We met Mr. Trump in bankruptcy court in 2005. We had both lost our appeals and he threw a tantrum outside on the steps of the municipal building.”
Moments after the resolution angry onlookers filed into the offices of the American Bridge Fellowship bent on retribution. All they found were empty files and a sign “Gone fishing hanging on the front door.
Perhaps Eldon Tinkleholland, recognized poet laureate of card tricks, dramatized the tragedy best: “Hatless against the stark ballast of seething clouds and Elvis haircuts, the angst of a biting winter gale at eyebrow level they came, only to be dealt the death blow from a rat-like foe who had skedaddled with the cheese a long time ago.”
“We thought these people built infrastructure but all they do is sit round all day and play cards,” said Oreo Mumblee, an unemployed welder who hasn’t been dealt a fair hand in weeks. “A left bar by any other name is still a left bar.”
Good idea. Let’s end this ridiculous attempt at news writing and adjourn to the romantic Drunken Fern where we can get better acquainted. Bridge anyone? Canasta? How about a tight round of Pinochle?
PRE-DAWN RAID ON POLE NETS NADA
Feds Trail Sleigh During Historic Trek
(North Pole) A combined alphabet operation by the FBI, CIA, OSHA, ATF and the FDA has produced little according to a report filed at the Star Wars Defense Center on Ellesmere Island. When the feds arrived at the North Pole they found the place pretty much deserted.
“It looked like the terrorists had been making toys and the like for some time here,” said Agent Arthur Rambeau, of the FBI. “They thought they were outside the long arm of the law, didn’t they…Ha! Sooner or later they had to know that we’d corner them!”
The pre-dawn raid aimed at trapping elves suspected of harboring dangerous un-American thought, was concocted by nervous elements of the Shadow Government anxious to get the show on the road. It was approved on fairway number seven by one of the lame ducks White House.
“There’s nothing red, white and blue about myths like Santa and the elves. It’s a negative distraction at a time when we seek to return the United States to Cold War status when gas was cheap and people believed in their elected officials,” said Rambeau.
The acronymic assault was organized in the Northwest Territories where only polar bears and seals have eyes and ears. It was supported by combined elements of the United States military, which were told they were fighting the war on drugs, although nothing, with the possible exception of walrus fur, thrives up here.
According to the official report, completed moments after initial contact was confirmed, indications were that the objective was secure and that a stubborn rear guard of elves was in custody. As it turns out a heavily armed Ms. (Sandra) Claus and a skeleton crew of commando elves with poison-dart slingshots had managed to hold off the feds for about three hours before running out of Cuban rum and capitulating.
“The scene here is sketchy what with all the snow,” said the agent. “I can confirm that we have about ten insurgents under lock and key but that we too are out of provisions.”
The date for the raid was based on information that Santa and his elves would not leave the premises until December 24 to make their annual round the world journey. However, with the increase in population, global warming, airline agendas and the unstable political climate here the group departed early.
“We knew that Santa was on the hot seat, facing a vote of confidence in the elfin legislature,” said Rambeau. He was probably more secure out of the country than in it. We wanted to catch him (Santa) with is knickers down.”
Conjecture has it that Santa has been repeatedly seen in the company of buxom Lulu Boomer, an exotic dancer from Churchill, Manitoba, happy, despite the comforts of holy matrimony. Federal spooks had hoped they could link Santa, a fallen away Canadian, with a seriously promiscuous lifestyle above the Arctic Circle.
“Who’s going to allow their kids to sit on the lap of an adulterer, or worse a man who is just a little left of Pyongyang,” asked Rambeau. “We’ve been going through Santa’s trash since earlier this evening and we’ve found letters from little kids in Iraq and Cuba, as well as North Korea. We even found a letter from a kid in Serbia asking for a bicycle…Now what does she intend to do with that? Are these are rogue nations undeserving of Christmas presents?” he pouted.
As soon as the situation is in hand here, the FBI and CIA will begin trailing Santa and his reindeer in hopes of cutting them off from these illegal destinations like Havana and Baghdad. It is not known if these actions will undermine attempts by the North Pole to adopt U.S. currency by 2021.
– Small Mouth Bess
