All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Wooery Opens To Rave Reviews
(Ridgway) The nation’s first full-service wooery is now opened and appears well on its way wooing its already burgeoning clientele. Offering private and group wooing as well as woos to go and woos to stay the wooery saw some 3000 persons enjoy being wooed over the weekend.
“We saw a need, a demand, if you will, and we went for it,” said one certified wooster. “No matter what the weather or what the economy people will always pay to be wooed.
Toole Lands on Neptune
(Colona) Astral traveler and daredevil munitions enthusiast, Melvin Toole, 98, has reportedly made a successful ascent to the planet Neptune. According to a spokesman here Toole called at about 4:30 pm to tell friends and well wishers he had safely landed there.
Apparently the trip, political twists aside, went well with no surprises or breakdowns. The actual time of the flight is difficult to determine since Toole stopped most nights and took side trips to historical markers and tourist spots. He said he felt refreshed and relieved after weeks crammed into a tiny space capsule without clothespins or hair oil.
“Right now I’m looking for a nice decal for my suitcase,” he joked. I came here looking to make contact with aliens but the only beings I’ve met are nose-picking primates who watch television all day and sprout opinions all over the backs of their legs.
After a few days chilling out on Neptune Toole plans to depart for Uranus and then on to Pluto for ski season.
The journey, paid for by the Queen of Spain, was first undertaken to bring attention to people who have been cheated out of pensions by giant corporations in the past few years. Toole, an employee of Utopia Mart for 37 years was let go moments before he qualified for retirement benefits and a promised pension. Blinking on the job was cited as the reason.
“I worked all my life,” he whined, “and now I have nothing. I needed a little space.”
-Fred Zeppelin
Incense Alleged in Royal Family
(London) Troubles continue for the royal family today as an ex-domestic servant accused leading figures within the court of using incense in public and private ceremonies at Westminster and at picnics on the Thames. Although the developments have shaken even the Tower of London, calls for a new government appear to be weeks away.
“The aroma here now is one of deceit and shame,” said one palace gardener. “We hear that most of the stuff comes from Asia. That’s not very British, is it? One only has to look at the odd shapes of the ears and the allegations appear far too true.”
Readers may recall that only last week Treasury Secretary Farthing Pro Quid Bono was arrested for embellishment, capping off a scandal poised to bring down the Johnson Government.
Petroleum Fumes Rapidly Becoming Drug of Choice
(Montrose) Second-hand petroleum fumes, inhaled during interaction with the gas pump. are quickly replacing methamphetamines as the drug of choice for the lower middle class in small towns all across the country. The easily accessible fumes, which escape in gaseous form from the pumps while a person is filling his tank, create an instantaneous high and almost immediate addiction.
“They’re fun,” said one woman interviewed while filling her tank at Scrapeway. “I’d light up a cigarette and really take a trip…but they’re illegal.”
The problem appears to be much worse in Montrose since the city has so many more gasoline stations. In Crested Butte, for instance people, with the exception of the late night bar crowd, don’t dig the fume subculture preferring to puff.
“We’ve been seeing a lot of snodgrass on the streets,” said one officer, but at least its grown locally.”
-Small Mouth Bess
You could be planner for a day
(Ouray) A bold new contest, sponsored in part by County Commissioners here offers workaday residents a chance to pull a few strings when it comes to the future. Planner For A Day gives 365 people a chance to be winners. These lucky persons will then be granted 24 hours during the next calendar year in which to engage in both county and town planning.
The lottery, or competitive encounter, as it is called over at the Quart House, has everyone talking. As of late last night some 1200 county residents have applied for one of the 365 spots up for grabs. If a more radical element within the county gets its way the contest will be opened up to visitors as well.
“We don’t see why these Ouray enthusiasts (tourists) can’t make a contribution,” said Melvin Toole-Booth, father of the competition. “They should not be excluded just because they aren’t familiar with any of the issues.”
Toole-Booth went on to say that the average American does not realize the magnitude of planning that can occur in one 24-hour period. He insists that the licensing of 365 planners, all with proper permits and little planner hats, will not have adverse effects although he concedes that the paperwork may be a problem.
“What’s the big deal,” he laughed. “The winner goes to work and plans, eats lunch, plans some more and then he goes home. The next day another winner comes in and plans, eats, plans some more, goes home and so on until either all the planning is accomplished or we run out of planners.”
The deadline to apply for these coveted positions is May 2. All candidates must show ability to sing the Star Spangled Banner and pass a simple intelligence test.
“And it helps if they know what county they live in,” stressed Toole-Booth, who compares the event to the annual Jeep Raffle, which features only one winner, usually from out of the region.
– Navajo Sam
Fantasy Democracy Leagues Forming This Summer
Fantasy Democracy is an interactive, virtual competition in which voters manage professional politicians engaged in government functions. Teams, drafted by participating voters, are manned and womaned by elected officials allowing the people to manage a pseudo (or shadow) government.
Voters form these squads of competitive politicians by electing, dismissing, discrediting, dropping, trading and funding candidates and incumbents from the two existing political parties in the United States. Third party candidates, veterans and rookies, are often invited to minicamps and other tryouts but usually find themselves on practice squads or competing in the Canadian leagues.
The rules are quite simple and direct, governed by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. They set down strict limitations, performance enhancement methodology and the means to score points. This third element of the growing sport’s infrastructure is most important.
In most arrangements, total points count higher than win-loss records, which allows players to climb the ladder of success while their constituents remain at ground level looking up. Penalty flags inadvertently thrown will be retrieved when nobody’s watching.
Voters attempt to fill their individual rosters with high-powered players possessing the proven ability to score. Points are awarded based on endorsements, military contracts, pork barrel legislation passed, bills introduced, campaign funds accumulated and committees chaired.
High profile participants such as a Majority Whip or even the President can fall victim when indiscretions, bad judgment or outright crimes taint off-the-field behavior. Executive privilege only goes so far and offending players are subject to review and loss of accumulated points at any time. Fines and suspensions are often levied in these cases but punishments often result in no more than a slap on the wrist followed by reinstatement to the Court (see Millionaire’s Club). Illegal procedure is only a five-yard penalty and is often perceived as part of operational expense by club owners.
When Fantasy Democracy first emerged, the teams were limited to elected officials born in the United States. Today’s lineups are chocked full of Supreme Quart members, Pentagon officials, Cabinet members, IRS staffers, CIA operators and even lobbyists. Although most of this is blamed on Free Agency and the hybrid Electoral College-Popular Vote, the issues of entry fees and salary caps have driven a wedge between honorable service and the daily workings of the gov’ment.
Any candidate for political office must have operating capital. The higher and most prestigious the office, the higher to ante. Is every player seated in the Senate a millionaire? Is everyone running for dogcatcher affluent? Where is the integrity card and when is it played? Who are the referees and why are they standing silently in the end zone??
But enough moralizing about the quick kick, four-and-out government and its bureau running hacks breezing through the wedge, evading the real issues with a smokescreen of En Bloc Amendments, dull draw plays, pathetic fourth down conversions and gluttonous campaign fundraising. Let’s talk about hands-on Fantasy Democracy.
Each team or political cell is comprised of 18 players including offensive and defensive squads, special teams and benches. Backups are allowed so as to accommodate injuries, fact-finding trips, recesses, interrupted limo services, complimentary health care programs, lucrative life pensions, and opportunities to sell one’s soul in the private sector after the term/show is over. Most teams and leagues follow the associated field positions below:
President-QB
Vice President -Blocking FB
Senators-Running Backs
Representatives-Tight Ends
Minority Whip – Placekicker
Ways and Means – Team defense
Homeland Security – Special teams
Supreme Quart Justices – Bench.
By design, trades are only made for players of equal position, wealth and experience. (An owner can’t trade the junior senator from South Dakota for the President.) All swaps must be then approved by Ethics Review Board and are subject to veto by the President at full throttle and braking on the curves of public opinion. The actual election is the draft, followed by the refried simulation of politics as usual on the yard markers and in the hot dog stands. Stimulus packages, chop blocks, off-sides violations, waiver rules, standing committees and hits on defenseless Congressional pages will again be tabled until the body convenes in the fall. Scoring often follows within a set of parameters stored under the banner of National Security.
OFFENSE
Major sponsored action passed by both Senate and House -7 points
Minor originating bill becomes law – 5 points
Pro-war jingoism that leads to profitable weapons sales – 5 points
Effective filibusters – 4 points
End-runs on the economy – 4 points
Ridiculous slogan embraced by the electorate during the campaign – 3 points
Passing the buck – 3 points
Burial of real issue legislation – 3 points
Rushing yards greater than Absenteeism ratio – 2points
Scoring in Red Zones of the economy, healthcare, immigration, world peace, quality of life – 2 points
DEFENSE
Private sector turnovers – 7 points
Parliamentary safety – 7 points
Presidential sack (veto override) 6 points
Roughing the passer (Cluster voting) – 6 points
Illegal hands to the face during campaigns – 6 points
Bi-Partisan fumble recovery 5 points
Cloakroom interceptions – 5 points
Open field tackling across the partisan aisle – 4 points
Budget by-pass successfully defended – 4 points
Bill squashed that would aid developing defenses without petroleum deposits – 4 points
In some more sophisticated leagues net worth before and after political career qualifies the player to gain double points. A body slam on Nancy Pelosi or a violent separation of Mick McDonnell from the ball is generally awarded 10 points. Sleazy attacks by Party hacks and blatant facemask violations will be reviewed by House and Senate Statue of Liberty inquiries in accordance with Worldwide Governance Indicators (WGI). Concussions suffered on the field will not negate science or create bigger government in the huddle (Recede and Concur).
Constitutional Enthusiasts can follow the play-by-play on C-Span (Operated by ESPN) where the main venue is Wash D.C. No matter what your party affiliation the diversionary effects of Fantasy Democracy will create fodder for meaningless discussion and put more government in your bloomers.
Lobbyists (or coaches) are to remain on the sidelines (in their think tanks) at all time and in no way are to cross onto the playing field. In the event of a breach herein a quorum will be called after the rushing party chants One Mississippi during all Lame Duck pass plays.
Critics insist that Fantasy Democracy and games like it have destroyed the legislative process. We say partisan squabbles settled on the gridiron leave a more lasting pecking order among Judicial, Legislative and Executive levels of the McGovernment.
As the pendulum swings, voters (fans) can undoubtedly block more kicks and hold pigskin scoundrels accountable but it will take a team effort. It’s all there in your playbook. Just look at the Xs and Os.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Pentagon Plan Would Bomb Virus Back to the Stoned Age
(Warshinkton) Whistle blowers here tell of a not-so-secret plan to bomb the infamous Coronavirus19 into submission. The strategy, logical enough if one crunches numbers in the budgetary pie, has allegedly been discussed since February leaving munitions manufacturers beaming and citizens watching the sky.
According to Dr. Timothy “Tim” Maloney, a fellow at the Altered States Conservatory, the matter is all but wrapped in plastic and out the door. Although he doesn’t agree with the explosive solution he is not surprised.
“They will do anything to remove themselves from the proverbial hook,” he explained. “It doesn’t matter if it makes any sense. It is action at a time when action is required and people are still buying snake oil solutions. Targets, delivery systems and elected officials make strange bedfellows in times of impending disaster as well as acute inconvenience,” he chuckled.
When pressed, several high-ranking staff officers denied the accusations but did not condemn the proposals that they insisted were never brought to the table and such.
“We’re not saying we talked about bombing the virus but we’re not saying it couldn’t work,” said one general. “We currently maintain a stockpile of weapons that could destroy the planet 300 times. Surely that would be ample firepower to waste the virus, even with the acknowledged collateral damage. We could start by bombing hospitals since that’s where so many of the sick people are now residing.”
Meanwhile the White House urged Americans and some Canadians who want to be like Americans, to remain under their school desks until this whole medical disaster blows over.
As of this afternoon there has been no update on a suspected plot by Senate Republicans to bail out FOX News and guarantee bonuses for CEOs affected by the crashing stock market and the rising cost of ventilators on the black market.
Note: Voices from the ashes of the Center for Disease Control are demanding that anyone who has had contact with Trump, Pence or Kushner report to his/her nearest aluminum bingo hall/hospital to undergo what has been described as a painful exorcism ritual as soon as possible.
– Finn McCool
Unreliable sources contributed to this report
UN SENDING COOKBOOKS TO SUDAN
In an unprecedented exercise of its humanitarian authority, the United Nations (UN) today announced a massive airlift of over 1,000,000 cookbooks to the continent of Africa.
Melvin Aku Tul Aku, UN High Commissioner for famine relief, outlined the massive assistance initiative this week at the regular brunch meeting of the UN Famine Management Directorate.
“It has become clear to us that the lack of innovative recipes and culinary techniques is a major factor in the African predicament”, Aku Tul Aku said. “The appetizing presentation of various regional foodstuffs, including leftovers, is key to eliminating possible famine in areas lacking such expertise”. UN studies reveal that Sudan is actually nutritionally rich, once you get past the militias and the curious taboos surrounding what is defined as food.
“These food resources are actually quite appropriate for Atkins and South Beach type diets that are widely followed in Europe and North America”, Aku Tul Aku pointed out. He concluded; “A little bit of innovation can make a remarkable difference in the daily lives of these people who insist on living here.”
When asked about the $300,000,000 price tag for the effort, Aku Tul Aku defended the cost as being consistent with the expense of printing separate cookbooks for Christians and Muslims and paying off warlords. Human Rights Watch, an international watchdog group, has expressed concern that the books will not be accompanied by CD’s for victims who can’t read.
“CDs? asked one UN representative. “We are not finished counting each of the grains of rice that are earmarked for Africa. We have to keep records of each disbursement and cannot release the food until we have accomplished what is no small feat.”
Horseshoe Office Condemned
(Pea Green – UPS) In its first use of the new expanded eminent domain authority, the Delta County Commissioners voted this week to initiate condemnation procedures with regard to The San Juan Horseshoe regional distribution center in Pea Green. In a unanimous vote, the Commissioners approved the proposal made by JerCorp-Patriots, Inc., a major regional franchiser of jerky stands. An anonymous source close to the Commissioners explains that in light of a recent Supreme Court decision, it is clear that local governments are free to condemn and seize property as long as there is a “clear public benefit to the action, or if at least some member of the public will benefit from the action.” Such benefits implicitly include personal benefits to public officials, beneficiaries and their political committees as applicable.
“Although we generally oppose this sort of governmental action, in a case such as this, where a newspaper operation will be replaced by a jerky stand, we cannot with a clear conscience argue that public good is not enhanced.” While many local citizens are wildly enthusiastic about the proposed action, we were unable to locate any San Juan Horseshoe readers to comment on the development.
