All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
Calificación de las telenovelas sudamericanas
Todas las tardes desciende una paz profunda en barrios y pequeños pueblos de todo el continente sudamericano. De Bogotá a Buenos Aires y de Santiago a Guadalajara se abren las persianas y se cierran las persianas contra el sol del mediodía y los ojos mirando. La trama se desarrolla … lentamente … muy lentamente para un efecto dramático al igual que las tediosas noticias de televisión y el clima exagerado.
Los críticos insisten en que estos dramas están mal elaborados y presentados metódicamente, pero son parte de la vida de millones de personas que los miran religiosamente y contribuyen al fenómeno. Algunas son sexys. Algunas son solo ventanas en las vidas que pasan. Otros son el punto de partida para las celebridades del futuro. Algunos parecen más reales que nosotros.
Estos son nuestros favoritos: tenga en cuenta que si se pierde una semana más o menos, puede recuperar rápidamente la mayoría de los escenarios y la intriga se gasta en los trailers. Conéctate donde gobiernan los excesos, la mala música de órgano y las narraciones gastadas.
Herederos de Una Venganza
Quizás el más conocido de todos los dramas argentinos durante el día, esta cascada favorita nunca mundana, siempre sorprendente, baja la montaña hacia el mar, donde las playas frías y las mesetas ventosas esperan a los valientes y valientes. ¡No llores por mí Argentina! Robo de tierras, robo de ganado, vinos añejos, puros cubanos, robo de esposas, episodios seductores de marido que rompen con la tradición. Gauchos escasamente vestidos desfilan a través del tiempo susurrando advertencias sobre el abrazo de la lujuria y el desprecio por la etiqueta.
La Maria del Barrio
Producción mexicana de larga duración con tema de pobre niña de harapos a riqueza. La heroína se encuentra viviendo en la casa del patrón local donde se enamora de su guapo hijo. Lamentablemente, todas las otras chicas de la ciudad han dejado a María enamorada del amor perdido que nunca tuvo en primer lugar. ¿Valió la pena Luis Fernando pararse en la ciudad? ¿Será amonestada por la familia extendida cuando lleguen a la Quinceañera de su extraño hermano en solo unos días?
El Cartel de los Sapos
Stoolie Enselmo encalla cuando intenta vender una bolsa de chicharrón anticuado a sus antiguos jefes del cartel. Esta obra maestra colombiana se demora demasiado en las glorias del contrabando de drogas y fue expulsada del aire en Panamá y Ecuador. La colaboración con la policía no siempre funciona bien Enselmo descubre una noche en el bar que está siendo vigilado por las mismas personas que tocó. De acuerdo con una anatomía fluida, planean romper los brazos y las piernas de nuestro héroe.
Mi Gorda Bella
La niña gorda en Venezuela supera sus desafíos y se convierte en la mejor cirujana estética de la región, mientras que el clima político disminuye junto con su rica clientela. Se descubre su ruta de escape mal trazada y es forzada a los brazos del investigador de la policía deshonesta Ricardo Muntante, famoso ciclista y muralista en Caracas. ¿Julia se mantendrá alejada de los dulces o se unirá a los millones de indigentes desposeídos de dietas milagrosas?
La Usurpadora
Amor, dinero y traición … ¿Pueden llegar todos a la vez? La mala actuación y una banda sonora horrible eclipsan esta trama insípida. La música melodramática mexicana inoportuna se abre paso en cada episodio como un signo de puntuación o una dosis de jarabe simple para la casta intrépida a la hora de acostarse. Tenemos a Paulina, Paola, Paul, Paulito, Paulette, Pablo y Pillar. Paulina y Paola eran gemelas siamesas separadas al nacer. Los otros son solo escaparates. Los camafeos de Mother Delphin no logran apuntalar los intercambios imbéciles y las amenazas moderadas que vuelan por el escenario.
Las Juanas
Este popular jabón colombiano se centra en cinco hijas, engendradas por Jorge Lucinn, también conocido como “Juan”. En lugar de enfrentar las responsabilidades de la crianza de los hijos, Lucinn sale y comienza otra familia. Pronto la sociedad humana captura a Juan y comienza el proceso de eliminación. Las escenas caribeñas y el estilo de vida vago son relajantes, pero no van a ninguna parte. Las sombrillas de playa nunca son suficientes para proteger a la civilización del calentamiento global, mientras que los comerciales de café sin sentido irritan incluso al surfista del canal.
O Clon
Presentación brasileña descabellada basada en amantes clonados, musulmanes de Río y una convención de zapatos traviesos. Jade, la princesa sahariana es el premio, pero no lo sabe hasta que sea demasiado tarde. Armani, el marinero separado del mar, busca credibilidad en un mundo salado lejos de las olas. Su clon roba a su mujer libre de impuestos y los dos huyen a Mozambique, donde presentan dramas diurnos a la capital, Maputo, la ciudad adoptiva de Fred Sanford.
Donde Esta Elisa
Este programa chileno de suspenso se centra en la desaparición de la hija de una familia brahmánica en Santiago. Los secretos emergen rápidamente cuando todos los miembros de la familia se vuelven sospechosos a pesar de las coartadas herméticas. Los secuestradores se pasean por los suburbios ricos mientras los policías cenan anguila negra y beben de los vasos de Don Melchor.
State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by 2020
(Denver) Transportation engineers here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 145 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as October 15 hoping to complete the improvements before the snow falls.
“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said Melvin “Slim” Toolini, planner and strategist behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”
The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.
“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toolini. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Lukewarm Reception Greets Biblical Cliff Notes
The recently leased Cliff Notes on The Bible could allow easier, immediate access to the scriptures for the untrained and semi-literate. It could also encourage cherry picking and one-upmanship say detractors.
Now, rather than plowing through the Old Testament to locate supporting passages, the quasi-evangelist can scan the outlined forms and go right to the source. Later, after arming himself with the treasures of the ages, he can go back and study in context and form conclusions.
“We have enough strip mall reverends and mega money preachers already,” said Joshua Leviticus, a theological historian who managed the initial editing of the Bible, Guru Grath Sahib, Avesta, The Vedas, Torah, Tripitaka, The Book of Mormon, The Quran, and The Agamas.
“Nobody really knows who wrote all of these books, all of which contain heavy dogma and preferred methods of control,” he continued. “Most are stories about people and survival. Where the divine comes in is anyone’s appraisal.”
Saint Cliff’s Notes and the King Donald editions offer an extended index but few shortcuts to salvation while other pretenders rely on exclusivity, fear and distrust. Along with flag waving and xenophobia, adherence to these beliefs often leads to violence.
“Blind faith, a major component of all of these creeds, is no more than substitute for morality and love of fellow man,” added Leviticus. “It can be a dangerous thing in the hands of the less than trustworthy.
“You can tell me about atheists in fox holes and I can tell you that you don’t see pagans blowing up churches, synagogues and mosques.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Rating the South American Telenovelas
Every afternoon a deep peace descends in neighborhoods and small towns all over the South American continent. From Bogota to Buenos Aires and from Santiago to Guadalajara blinds are pulled and shutters dropped against the midday sun and peering eyes. The plot unfolds…slowly…very slowly for dramatic affect much like the tedious television news and the hyped up weather.
TV Critics insist that these dramas are poorly concocted and methodically presented but they are part of life for millions who watch them religiously and contribute to the phenomenon. Some are sexy. Some are just windows in lives passing by. Others are the jumping off point for the celebrities of the future. Some seem more real than we do.
Here are our favorites: Keep in mind that if you miss a week or so you can quickly catch back up as most of scenarios lap themselves and the intrigue is spent on the trailers. Tune in where overacting, bad organ music and well-worn narratives rule.
Herederos de Una Venganza
Perhaps the best known of all the Argentine daytime dramas, this never-mundane, always surprising favorite cascades down the mountain to the sea where cold beaches and windy plateaus await the brave and fearless. Don’t cry for me Argentina! Land stealing, cattle rustling, vintage wines, Cuban cigars, wife stealing, husband seducing episodes break from tradition. Scantily dressed gauchos parade through the ages whispering warnings about the embrace of lust and the disregard for etiquette.
La Maria Del Barrio
Long-running Mexican production with poor girl rags to riches theme. The heroine finds herself living in the house of the local patron where she falls in love with his handsome son. Sadly so have all of the other girls in town leaving Maria doting over the lost love she never had in the first place. Is Luis Fernando worth her standing in town? Will she be admonished by the extended family when they arrive for her odd brother’s Quinceanera in just a few days?
El Cartel de los Sapos
Ramon “Stoolie” Guzman runs aground when he tries to sell a bag of outdated chicharron to his former bosses in the cartel. This Colombian masterpiece dwells a little too long on the glories of drug smuggling and was kicked off the air in Panama and Ecuador. Collaboration with the police does not always work out well Guzman finds out one night at the bar that he is being watched by the very people he fingered. In keeping with a flowing anatomy they plan to break our hero’s arms and legs.
Mi Gorda Bella
Fat girl in Venezuela overcomes her challenges and becomes the top cosmetic surgeon in the region while the political climate diminishes along with her wealthy clientele. Her poorly plotted escape route is discovered and she is forced into the arms of the rogue police investigator Ricardo Muntante, renowned cyclist and muralist in Caracas. Will Julia stay off the sweets or will she join the millions of destitute dispossessed on miracle diets?
La Usurpadora
Love, money and betrayal…Can they all arrive at once? Bad acting and a horrible soundtrack overshadow this insipid plot. The untimely Mexican melodramatic music creeps its way into each episode like some whiney punctuation mark or a dose of simple syrup for the intrepid caste at bedtime. We have Paulina, Paola, Paul, Paulito, Paulette, Pablo and Pillar. Paulina and Paola were Siamese twins separated at birth. The others are just window dressing. Cameos by Mother Delphin fail to prop up the imbecilic exchanges and tempered threats that fly about the stage.
Las Juanas
This popular Colombia soap focuses on five daughters, fathered by Jorge Lucinn aka “Juan”. Rather than face up to responsibilities of parenting Lucinn goes out and starts another family. Soon the humane society captures Juan and begins the process of elimination. Caribbean scenes and lazy lifestyle are relaxing but go nowhere. Beach umbrellas are never enough to protect civilization from global warming while mindless coffee commercials irritate even the channel surfer.
O Clone
Far-fetched Brazilian presentation based on cloned lovers, Muslims from Rio and a naughty shoe convention. Jade, the Saharan princess is the prize but doesn’t know it until it’s too late. Armani, the sailor severed from the sea looks for credibility in a salty world far from the waves. His clone steals his woman duty-free and the two run off to Mozambique where they introduce daytime dramas to the capital, Maputo, the adopted city of Fred Sanford.
Donde Esta Elisa?
This suspenseful Chilean program focuses on the disappearance of the daughter of a Brahmin family in Santiago. Secrets quickly emerge when all of the family members become suspects despite airtight alibis. Kidnappers troll the wealthy suburbs while the cops dine on black eel and sip from tumblers of Don Melchor.
Muneca Brava
Hopeless love, the cruel orphan culture, heirs to fabulous fortune and love-hate flings thrive amid stimulating pampas muscle spasms. Inside the garden we see the restful pace of Olivia Chui, a disbarred attorney who joins the convent only to find she does like men, as long as they know their place. After much soul searching Olivia, played by Kid Malbec, and her newfound mate’ gourd and bombilla, leave the bright lights of the LaPlata for the Gran Chaco to open a Chicharia. Although a relative newcomer, this Argentine novela has claimed its place in television history.
-Ezmerelda de Rocha
KIOSK
Reunion: All of those who were barred or 86th from Red’s Gravy Heaven for bad behavior between the years of 1979 and 2019 are cordially invited to a reunion. RSVP, LSMFT. No Irish. Manana’s only Smoke House Vegan Bar and Grill. Come meet the new owners.
Locally distilled gin, smooth, cures neurosis, grows hair, breaks down superstition. Pix of distiller Harry “Himself” Juniper-Bushe. The gate is open. Mind the bulls.
(All the chatter about so many new distilleries opening up…promises to relieve side affects of old age, neutralize simple mental illness and cure baldness by the application of an ancient remedy involving the square root of 2/3. What can one make of it?)
Help wanted: Three strong laborers to help dig up buried news stories from the nation’s past. Security provided. Good grammar essential. Drones and Diggers, Whitewater.
Deadline to apply for Colorado Celebrity Status is Feb 15, 2020. Be sure to mark seasonal on your application. Last chance to separate yourself from the peasantry for next summer’s juried events.
TWENTY OF THE BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE
It’s August. Do you know where last December’s fruit cake is? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:
1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems
2. Spongy, once-edible lifts for shoes
3. Decorative moss Mediterranean fireplace grout
4. Trail tofu kibble for small herd animals
5. Mediterranean house trailer skirting
6. Throw-away windshield scraper/breakfast bars (check use dates)
7. Candied stick deodorant
8. Sure-grip roofing supplement spikes for safe snow removal
9. Tear-away political platforms
10. Solar-Spell Astroturf
11. A offensive line for the Broncos.
12. Dog house insulation
13. Congressional dartboards
14. Leak-proof chinking material
15. Canvasses for bad western artists
16. Jigsaw puzzles
17. Patching for the ozone
18. Square Frisbees
19. U.S. Constitution one-speed bicycle grips
20. Succulent decoupage
-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath, critic
“You have to believe. That’s what I think. It’s not about medicine and all that stuff. You have to believe a person can get better. There is so much in the human mind we don’t understand, but you see if you have faith you can do anything.”
- Young girl working at convenience store near Kingsbridge talking about cancer recovery in The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry