All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
The Mistake in its wake?
Thanks to Rex Bishop for highlighting & elevating, our American cultural experience
OURAY BEAR WATCHING FULL TIME AFFAIR
(Carne Canyon) The bear came over the mountain. Then another, and more. Soon, as the autumn arrived in the San Juans it became apparent that garbage bins, dog food dishes and apple trees were the main attraction. In September an evening walk would likely result in a sighting of another hungry, generally docile, beast on his way to dinner. In October the bears are still out on the town inducing residents to wonder when and if the animals would ever go to sleep.
Take a walk on the wild side…After dark in Ouray one is more likely to see a bear than another human, well almost. In an attempt to review these entertaining occurrences we have collected the more colorful accounts herein. Let us appreciate and not judge the mighty bear. You try feeding a family of porky 300-pounders on roots and berries.
Carpe
“At just about dark on September 23 I went out to check on a splashing sound in my hot tub only to discover a large bear soaking. I went back into the house for my camera but when I returned he had vacated the premises. I only hoped he had not gone into the woods to recruit more hairy party animals. All he left behind was a badly worn towel.”
– W. Sammy Carpe, Whispering Blazes
Pitt
“One evening after drill in late September my wife, Gwen, and I were sipping on our fourth and close to final gin and bitters when a small cub wandered right into the yard and pushed over the Weber. Before I could day Jack Spratt he gobbled up two tenderloins and was off. Fortunately he didn’t get the Yorkshire pudding, or our pet Yorkie for that matter. Nonetheless dinner was ruined, Duckett’s had closed for the day and we were forced to subsist on head cheese till morning.”
– Colonel Abshite Pitt, 2nd or 3rd Street, Manana
“It was the middle of the night. I heard a crash in the kitchen. When I got up I saw a large hairy beast at the sink eating salami. I figured it was my husband, Earl, in his black silk karate robe. I went back to sleep. In the morning I awoke to quite a mess and remembered that Earl had been away on business in Colona the previous evening. What an experience!”
– Madalaine Crab-Leggit, Madonna Creek
Leggit
“It was almost dawn on October 2. I went out for my daily ritual of checking my marijuana plants only to find a mature male bear eating them. I clanged a few pans together to scare him off but only when I fired off my sidearm did him scram. The damage was done. It looks like I’ll have to survive on cheap whiskey all winter.”
– Gloria Minske, no address given
Minsk – third from left during a political rally at Mar de Lard.
“It was broad daylight. I was on my way out of the post office when three adolescent bears approached me demanding spare change. Looking around I realized I had no backup so I handed each of them a dollar. Later I received an unfair lecture from the game warden. Three bucks is better than the alternative.”
Elochs with his two daughters
– Walter Gold Elochs, Camp Bird Road
“I had been to the dinner at a friends’ one night and decided not to drive home. I went to lock my pickup only to discover a sow sitting behind the wheel. I just kept walking, making a mental note to stay off the Campari and to roll up the windows of my truck from now on.”
Bruin
– Sly Kodiak, DallasTrail Estates
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m scared of bears.
– Suga Bruin, Dallas, TX
Denied political prisoner status, this
innocent enough young black bear
awaits transport to a reservation in Utah.
These eye-witness chronicles represent only a fraction of the bear sightings in Ouray this fall. Do you have one to share? E-Mail us at uncompahgre@bearscat.com.
Trump Admits Series of Failures in First Term
In a departure from previous disclosures the president confirms
a few of the dangling annoyances of the past four years.
Got real fat
They still like Obama better
Impeachment was like another bankruptcy only public
Hair and tan aren’t fooling anyone
Couldn’t even legally beat Hillary Clinton
“A Little Common Sense” with Molly Miracle
Keeping flies* out by closing windows
With fly season upon us any of my readers have asked me how I maintain such a beautiful, obsessive- compulsive fly-free domicile. Well it’s easy if you just follow the basic instructions taped or stenciled on the bottom of your Federal ID Number.
Flies, like humans are attracted to food. Therefore it makes sense to cut off their access to the loot or their primeval passing zones, which often materialize as doors and windows. Many people use screens or other protective devices. Others simply close the openings or obstructions.
Flies and other insects operate on instinct. Their behavior is swiftly manifested on daily survival that could land right on top of your potato salad or fresh-baked cherry pie. Show them that a rational being can outwit them by the employment of simple reason.
*and most other insects
Secretary of Navy Blamed for Trump Parade Fiasco
Trump Dunk Claims Five Sunken Craft on Lake Travis
(Austin, TX) It is now old news that a nautical parade of boats on Lake Travis near here failed to hold water Saturday. The flotilla, in support of Donald Trump’s reelection, saw five boats sink according to the Travis County Sheriff’s Department.
The loss of the vessels is only the latest in a rough week for the orange golfing president who has yet to confirm a likely shakeup over the incident. Inside sources at the White House told POX News that the president might replace Kenneth J Braithwaite, the recently appointed Secretary of the Navy.
“He is looking for someone to take the heat and divert attention from his ridiculous supporters,” said a Texas congressman who is not overweight and does not have orange hair. “Whether he’ll make a scene so close to the election is not clear.”
Rumors suggest that Trump would replace the current secretary with Jared Kushner or another cold-blooded, warm body until the dust settles.
Detractors laughingly suggested that global warming affected the weather conditions said to be quite calm at the beginning of yet another clown act by the Trump base.
“Maybe God did it,” said another rescue worker. “It could be that he doesn’t like these kinds of humans. Can higher powers see through the idiocy? At least 45 didn’t blame Barrack Obama for the mishap, as has often been the pattern.”
One of the rescued vessels sat for two days at the bottom of the lake. “It’s US and Trump flags still waved underwater” according to the local newspaper.
“Weather conditions on Lake Travis were calm. When a large number of boats began moving together, the wakes generated large waves in areas where participating boats were dense,” the sheriff’s office said.
“They got caught up in wake-generated waves in excess of what their boats could handle,” said TCSO
The status of the current Secretary of the Navy, or quite possibly his replacement, was not known at press time.
-Gabby Haze
Midterms out Friday
(Heaven) The academic gods have reportedly finished grading papers, posting test scores and charting positive and negative behavior in the classroom. Homo Sapiens has maintained a low C drifting into high D…never complete failure but likewise only recording spotty, clumsy lunges into the A and B zones.
“Many of the poorly performing students could flunk out and be washed away like paper boats in a hurricane,” said Greta Grippe, recently appointed Czar of Education in states still loyal to the government in Washington.
“At least the comprehension gurus ain’t talking final exams,” said Grippe. “Now that would be disturbing.”
In a related story local man Melvin Q Toole and two female companions have been arrested for handing out maps to the local library. Police deny the action saying the trio has been detained for its own protection.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
“However, Plaintiff in good conscience cannot allow his music to be used as a ‘theme song’ for a divisive, un-American campaign of ignorance and hate.” – attorney for Neil Young in copyright infringement lawsuit against Trump Reelection Campaign.
