All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"

Who’s been eating my tomatoes?

Rogue raiders are munching on my garden by moonlight while I fritter away the early hours, just feet from the crime scene. One would think my alleged snoring would keep them at bay. I never had this problem when I grew cannabis with my fruit and vegetables.

People tell me it’s raccoons, which makes sense considering the fact that the tomatoes were surgically removed with no sign of a struggle. The prize was stolen without upsetting so much as a leaf but I noticed some chewed stalk ends, probably compliments of my resident mule deer named Eduardo after a Uruguayan friend who loves roasted venison.

Nothing else has been taken. My peppers are fine and my green onions are untouched. They just want my tomatoes. I even left them some Olathe Sweet Corn that had been nibbled down to the stalk but still had the aroma. They ignored it. May they burn in raccoon hell, if in fact they are raccoons at all. It could be marauding badgers.

And let’s not take the easy route here by blaming the birds. Yes, the hummingbirds are attracted to bright, red tomatoes but they only hover. The newly arrived magpies don’t seem interested either. The doves are too timid and the hawks busy hunting for meat, not greens and reds. Maybe it’s rodents or a trekking bruin.

Last night I slept in a lawn chair with shotgun across my lap, then at 3 am I heard something creeping around but it was only a mule deer quite content to eat from my apple trees. Chow down. I have lots of apples. It’s the tomato slaughter that has intruded into my very dreams. Note: Get some sleep tonight.

I wrapped floodlights around a nearby tree and poured cayenne around the plot. Now I have bad hip-hop music set to go on at the smallest provocation. It will wake up my neighbors but I don’t like them anyway. There. The hoses are rigged, buckets in the trees and baited traps everywhere.

Maybe a hand grenade strung up with concertina wire? That would probably only get the attention of the sheriff’s department.

And they were still green, still babes on the vine, little green innocents who had never been able to experience adult life. Cannibals! Murderers! Show yourselves!

Back to the birds — They wouldn’t eat that many and they’d leave white poop tracers everywhere. Mice wouldn’t make it past the cat patrols. My neighbors’ chickens aren’t intellectually capable of the multi-tasking required to land a tomato. It’s got to be those reintroduced wolves! Damn liberals – We told them the wolves and tomatoes did not mix.

Someone suggested I trap the culprits, haul them off and leave them to their own devices up on the Uncompahgre Plateau. That could work if I knew the approximate size of the bandits. I guess I could use tomatoes as bait but that would seem counter-productive.

I had about 50 in tight little clusters, still quite green but growing bigger in the Rocky Mountain sunshine. Hot weather had stunted them but they were surviving.

I am not upset by the elk nibbling on my lawn and mosquitoes making their last stand eating me. These ruffians dragged off my mail order scarecrow from last year. On a positive: the few tomatoes I have enjoyed this year are among the best I have ever tasted. Nice, big and juicy. Wait a little longer for the salsa, wait for the stews, and wait for the BLT. Will I be deprived of my crowning harvest come November?

Now I’ve come to find out that my neighbor’s garden has been invaded as well. They got every squash. How dare they put the entire community at risk just for their selfish stomachs. At this altitude it can be taxing to grow anything much besides weeds like cannabis. Have they no empathy? Who would think it? This backstabbing wildlife crime, this vile trespass.

Now the victim has become the hunter. It’s not the coyotes out in their pasture dens. They don’t eat tomatoes. It’s not the Cat Lady’s crew from next door. It’s not the neighbor’s dumb, barking dogs or the meandering cattle that call this place home. It’s not the local mountain lions or even a bear that would make a lot of racket and leave a mess behind.

It’s not my responsibility to see that these little intruders go to bed happy with a full tummy.

I even bought bad boy bacon that I realize will kill me but tastes so good with homegrown tomatoes. Next year peppers, zucchini squash, green onions, cannabis and yes, more tomatoes.

Then on the third night out in the lawn chair something frightening happened. A space ship appeared and several floating, transparent beings exited the craft. I stayed as quiet as I could. They were there for my tomatoes. Could not believe my eyes when…

To be continued

Antipasta getting people in Peach Valley

The White House today announced that the left-wing, anarchist terrorist group, Antipasta, has been grabbing citizens off the street at night in the Western Colorado settlement of Peach Valley.

What the Marxist, atheist, pawns of Beijing have in mind for their victims was unclear, although the worst is expected. These radicals are known to hate America as well as spaghetti, noodles, elbow macaroni, and linguini despite the fact that many of them are named Alfredo after Joseph Stalin.

“They want to hurt God and the Bible but they’re starting in small steps,” said Noah Crutch, a local Republican liter. “We have reason to believe they have nukes and are aligned with Venezuela and Iran. Then they want to take out guns!”

A report on POX News accused Antipasta of operating re-education camps in Cuba and North Korea but later back peddled claiming the station had never aired the allegation.

-Fred Zeppelin

“It’s easier to build strong children than repair broken men (and women).”

– Frederick Douglass.

Hashishistan Elects Fudd in Absentia

(Kief) Voters here in the frigid bounds of Eurasia have overwhelmingly approved longtime outfitter Elmer Fudd as Prime Minister for another four years.

After counting ballots overnight it became clear Fudd had not only prevailed but had trounced his opponent Vladimir Buggs by an astounding margin of 3 –1.   

With 80% of the returns in, Fudd was projected as the clear winner although Buggs has claimed fraud and has threatened to demand a recount.

The designated head of government here appeared to be enjoying the balloting that approved his radical agenda. Supporters say he watched the entire event on pumped in Canadian television between hockey games and polar bear sightings.

A controversial campaign promise calls for the immediate and effective end to the rabbit holes that have devastated the economy. One segment even outwardly encourages hunting for rabbit in the wilderness of icy cartoon woodlands nearby.

Fudd then promised that “qualified others will run the show here” while he is beach combing and dining on paella and Serrano ham, well out of range of political enemies.

He and his cronies have been accused  in the disappearances of over 30 political opponents and critics over the past tenure. Denying all allegations related to those who have vanished, Fudd supporters say many have taken refuge within Disney Studios while others have descended into the lower reaches of the comic book culture where lower life expectancy is only an ink splotch away.

As the choice of cuisine might indicate the newly invigorated icon is believed to be residing somewhere in the Mediterranean “Where the weather suits my clothes”. *  It is doubtful whether he will return to Hashishistan before spring.

-Fred Zeppelin

*as deceased singer/ songwriter Harry Nielson once penned in Midnight Cowboy.

Honorable called into question Congressional arena

A far-reaching citizen’s petition is calling for the title honorable to be dropped preceding Congressmen’s name until he or she is worthy of that distinction. At present elected officials are referred to as the honorable and yet they have done nothing admirable. They just won an election and flew to Washington.

The matter has forced its way to the forefront along with the burgeoning cases of distemper in the legislative halls. Today the governing body was handed a stern rebuke by the Sturgeon General who unequivocally condemned facial ticks and showing up for work in pajamas as unacceptable. He further warned of the ever-present existence of hairballs on Senate floors.

The petition seeks to draw attention to the rubber stamp mentality prevalent in all the veneration of rich people who have basically purchased seats in Congress. Supporters hope for high-level sponsorship and the passage of a bylaw in this regard.

Just last month citizen action committees succeeded in embarrassing Senate Republicans to vote on a bill to limit theft on poor although most abstained.

In a related development the Roman Catholic Church is considering changing the revered designation of father to a less austere uncle to be more in line with modern social movements and relationships. The final word is expected to drift down from the Vatican on Thursday.

“Birth is the ultimate entry level drug.”  – Baby Face Olsen

McConnell will bankroll Second Coming

(Glasgow, KY) In what many see as a desperate 11th hour maneuver in his ever diminishing bid to hold his Senate seat in Kentucky, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell is promising the moon to the primitives that dawdle within his current base.

He has promised to pay for the Second Coming.

The wealthy politician did not change expression when he made the announcement. Likewise he did not disclose details or fiscal data on the outrageous undertaking, saying only that the Republicans will “once again show themselves as the party of God.”

The appearance has been coincidentally validated by “an assortment of doctoral sources, most of whom are graduates of religion institutions with accreditation and everything”, The celebration has been scheduled for sometime in late October, preceding the 2020 elections.

“We will accommodate the Lord on a fancy bluegrass estate worth just over 7 million in poverty-stricken Kentucky, says McConnell who reportedly bought the place back in 2018 to accommodate Jesus when he returned to America “to punish sinners and embrace the good folk”.

“His room is ready and waiting for him.” said McConnell who claims Christian roots when it is beneficial to him and talks salvation as part of his re-election bid, especially in more backward and rarely visited hollows in the Briar Hopper State.

 A spokesman for Democrat Amy McGrath, the former Marine fighter pilot who seeks to dethrone weak-kneed McConnell, says the senator has been twisting the truth for so long that “he has not only stripped the screw bare but is beginning to resemble a soft pretzel in thought and action.”

“He always looks like he’s about to break down and cry,” said the source. “With all the subsidies, payoffs and personal gratuities he has amassed from special interest groups he should be dancing a jig.”

 “This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian.

“This pledge is about as worthless as the life expectancy of Ghislaine Maxwell,” said an unidentified Kentucky Libertarian

 No liberals will be permitted to talk to Jesus even though the prophet was a left-leaning radical and all.

“We will avoid needless publicity as Satan the Democrat is lurking,” said the source. “After an informal reception at an undisclosed locale he will be whisked off to Fat Margo Resort for meetings with pardoned criminals, corporate bosses and pseudo-religious figures.

“We saved the coal mines and the farmers.,” said an aide to McConnell. Now we’re gonna save your freedom from socialism.”

In a related piece the Trump supporters that got on the wrong bus at Branson, Missouri have been rescued and are now reportedly on the correct bus.

“It could happen to any of us, but it happens to these folks rather regularly,” frowned one travel guide on the scene.

Sadly, only one of the flag-waving patriots of 50 on board could tell us what each star and/or stripe designates. One named three but had a cheat sheet while another insisted that the intricacy of the 206-year-old banner is proof that God is American. None could say where Ft. McHenry was located.

(Editor’s Note: Just to set the record straight, no one associated with sanjuanhorseshoe.com ever said that McConnell could not learn to ride a bicycle as a child. We simply commented that, “In a behavioral cluster, linked to the orange fat guy, we have never witnessed the Senate Majority Leader ride a bicycle.”)

Despite accusations of insider trading regarding recently acquired funeral industry stock, McConnell is slated to meet with Russian boss Vladimir Putin to discuss opening a market for Goya Beans in the Russian Federation over the weekend.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Your Word of the Day Hoodwinked: It’s easier to fool someone than to convince them they have been fooled.

Feds, states terminate speed limits on highways

“Inconvenient and Depriving Me of My Freedom”

“We’ve had so many complaints from people who want to drive faster than the speed limit that we’re relaxing these long-held restraints.”

Those are the hollow words of Omega Man who adds that the entire sideshow is “pure folly”.

“We were inundated with confrontations, even brawls with angry, dispossessed Americans who say they won’t drive slower as prescribed by the gov’ment.” he rattled. “They were armed to the teeth.”

“They all threatened us,” sobbed Evonne Dimm, of the local asphalt users co-op in Manana. “You won’t infringe on my freedoms,” they said.  “Speed limits don’t work – Look at all the highway fatalities.”

Dimm went on to say that the people had spoken.

“In a democracy like ours , you know the land of the free, we listen to our neighbors, so I guess speed limits are a thing of the past. Let’s all try to work together to privatize our liberties,” she stressed dismissively.

Hasty actions are expected within the residue of the draconian face mask controversy but for now Americans are free to floor it and drive as fast as they choose.

“Speed limits are unconstitutional,” said one self-described pedal to the metal kinda guy. “It says it right there in the Puritan’s Progress.

-Alfalfa Romero

“The pro here told me if I took up golf I’d meet legions of beautiful women. So far I’ve only met old farts like me.”  -Melvin O’Toole, Dos Rios Golf Club, Gunnison, Colorado, August 25, 2020