All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
BLACK BEAR NEWS
COLORADO LEGISLATURE TO ADDRESS BEAR TRESPASSING.
Less forage, more mountain homes and an increase in the bruin population, are just a few of the bugaboos blamed for an increase in bruin break-ins this fall.
Clever camp raids, damage to poultry salons, garden and orchard encroachments, and one Colona beehive colony/apiarist cadre are all a part of the seasonal chaos. Local elders here are bound and determined to do something about it.
We’ll pass a law and send out a press release everyone will be happy,” said one urban Democrat.
“Let’s just expand the hunting season on bear” said a rural GOP source, “and blast the intruders”.
In autumn on the Western Slope bear can be easily observed crossing deserted fairways, punctuating the dumpster trail, devoting hours to gobbling up apples and apricots, and frightening tourists as well as remodeling gardens and trashing anything that gets in the way of their big, empty stomachs.
“Enough is enough. Who do they think they are?” asked Congressman Wiley “Mackerel” White (R-Atlantis), who has maintained that office since 1954 and is up for reelection in 2020. “We need strict laws that clearly forbid bear from violating private property. These are thugs. Maybe a leash law could be somehow employed?”
But who would be at the business end of this kind of savage bridle?
“These are not your playtime teddy bears. These are wild and dangerous predators and prowlers,” stressed White who admits he has never seen a bear or been in the forest but who vehemently called for a curfew and expanding the local police force.
Pence Promises Rain, Eaten by Bear
(Malfunction) In a speech before enthusiastic supporters here Vice President Bill Pence pledged to make in rain. In what has evolved as a familiar melody he didn’t say exactly when or where. Colorado is in the midst of a severe drought (since it is a desert and all) and the population continues to tax not only water (DIA suburb fiascos and Brown Clouds be damned) but every other conceivable commodity that used to be sufficient to insulate the cosmic flow.
Well-financed developers, caught with their plump little butts in the DIA Land Grab Scandal that will become old news in days, applauded the left field promise as if it was their own.
Sadly, moments after delivering what many are now calling a posthumous sermon, Pence was attacked and eaten by one of several large black bears marauding Reichstag Trailer Park, named for the original landmark in Berlin, Germany.
“We’ve seen a lot of bears hanging out over there lately but none so brazen as the brute that viciously attacked our beloved vice president. They even ate all the Trump signs.”
Sources on POX News blamed cowardly Democrats for the incident although none were within 10 miles of “the assault on our American way of life by Communists in bear suits.”
– Myrna Guppies-Treblehooke
“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.”
-Greek proverb
Days may get shorter warns weatherman
(Denver- Special to The Montrose Mouse October, 2020)
A local weatherman in the Mile High City is boldly predicting that the days will begin to get markedly shorter this fall. In a departure from traditional thought, Balmy Brennan, a longtime climatologist and meteorologist on TV, repeated his forecast, matter-of-factly.
Brennan repeated the stark warning again that afternoon at the Brown Palace Polo Club, much to the astonishment of an assembled entourage who had come to learn about buying precious metals before winter arrives.
“We all know about climate change,” said Brennan, “even though it does not register as a danger to a certain segment of science flunkies in our midst. My calculations clearly indicate that some aspects of the weather will stay the same. The sun will come up and go down. The moon will shine and disappear. The stars will seduce young lovers all within the backdrop of apocalypse. You know the gnashing of teeth and all that.”
The weatherman then rolled up his sleeves and got down to the nitty-gritty as to what people might expect in the coming weeks.
“Somehow a conjunction of the earth and the sun dictate the length of daylight hours,” he explained before hecklers drove him from his podium.
“Communist! Witch! Liberal!” they screamed as Brennan retreated in to the Ship’s Tavern Bar followed by a pack of paparazzi and a throng of failed Rockies’ relief pitchers who have been hoping that shorter days may help them forget their disastrous season.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“If we don’t get pregnant with some sort of an heir the peasants will rise up and kill us. They’ll find other royals. They’ll burn down this stone castle. They’ll cut off our heads!” – Earl Snapper MacGillycuddy, in an attempt to persuade Countess Tilapia to make love as part of traditional Celtic foreplay, Sheeffry Hills, Connemara, Ireland, 1477.
Bedwedder-Toole looks solid on Bingo Platform
(Wimpton UPS) With his heralded slogan “Ostracize Ignorance” under his arm, Melvin Bedwedder-Toole looks like a cinch to be the next dog catcher here.
“His nomination was the key” said House Squeaker Errol Herring, beaming with curious sound bytes, simpleton phrases and weak metaphors. “Now his election is a lock.”
Even with the the mildly annoying bow-tie and suspender getup he attracts a lot of attention within the female electorate and, although a mindless twit, secures carelessly cast votes on the basis of perceived persona and a deep understanding of cosmetics.
“I don’t know,” quipped Bedwedder-Toole, “but since I began wearing a medical mask I meet a lot more single women. I must have been butt ugly without one.”
Toole had his face done in 2001 and his forehead enlarged in 2015.
The clear choice of the big-bellied party bosses and the emaciated foot soldiers looking to retake the Senate, Toole is nothing more than partisan arm candy say detractors.
“What a campaign dumb slogan,” said one. “What’s up with the big, clumsy bird reference?” quacked one perplexed voter. “Isn’t this reference redundant? How does the intelligence level of one of these feather-duster, flightless birds translate?”
The sometime Earth Is Flat advocate takes a break in the Sechura Desert near Mancora, Peru in 2010
A former Know Nothing councilman from Moline before relocating to the Confront Range Toole quickly filed papers claiming “proof the earth is flat” in 1998.
Readers may recall the “If it was round people would be falling over onto their noses”assertion of the day. Many will remember, with just a hint of irony, the controversial Fallen Noses Postulate which dictated foreign policy in these United States since the Philistine Insurrection of 1899.
Despite accusations that Toole has been killing pine beetles and selling the meat in Canada, his rival for the coveted animal control post has exhumed no dirt on the clean geneToole
In a related development: According to White House hominids new running mate Vladimir Putin has balked at accepting the vice presidential slot in November. Reeling from accusations that he has poisoned yet another political rival, this time Alexei Navalny, Putin has requested diplomatic refugee status. He hopes to open a vareniki shack like the ones in Coney Island, specializing in herring and vinegar this spring.
“He’s thinking of Rehoboth Beach or Kiptopeke with their burgeoning Russian populations,” said a spokesman for the banished Czar.
Pence was placed on Injured Reserve Thursday after a 10-round wrestling match with Nancy Pelosi. Reportedly his makeup cracked and cannot be repaired. Now even Trump can see through him. Pence had purchased a one-way ticket to Mars but has settled for his Indianapolis estate to practice extended self-isolation/obligatory meditation.
– Tiny Tagalog
Biden tells followers to hold the hugs for now.
Yielding to virus concerns, presidential hopeful Joe Biden today warned supporters and all Americans about the dangers of embracing and personal contact with strangers. It is common knowledge that Snowflakes love to hug people, especially as social punctuation that can be intrusive or inappropriate, especially with people they don’t know.
“We’ve got to reel this one in before someone takes the metaphoric bait. Ever seen a fish hug another fish? Ever seen Donald the Trump hug his family? Let’s wait until the pandemic is over then we can hug till we turn blue.”
Several in the House are screaming unfair advantage to the adversaries, real or imagined. Trump supporters, simultaneously pointing their finger with a snide comment about liberals, do not show emotion at all unless they are shopping for assault rifles.
Meanwhile most Americans just try to get by each week, minding there own business and stunned by the inadequacy of their supposed leaders in the 244- year two-party scam, the money and power charade.
For further information please turn to Confronting the Notion of White Privilege in America: Spell Chrysanthemum.
– Melvin Toolstoy
“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.”
– Will Rogers
Colona Home Owners Annual Postponed
(Buckhorn Heights) The first annual Members Meeting of the Colona Home Owners Association was abruptly cancelled Saturday after no one showed up at the Colona Schoolhouse. The scheduled gathering, aimed at drawing up a binding charter and pass a slew of ordinances that no one would obey was rescheduled for March of 2022.
The previous Home Owners assembly, held way back in 1982, recorded no old business and there was no new business slated for the called off session this year.
“We’re all about community here,” said one participant that didn’t participate, “which is defined as live as let live and minding one’s own business,”
County and state sources contend that the Colona Homeowners Association does not possess the proper licensing and is therefore null and void.
“In our eyes it is a rogue organization with no clear plan for the future much less the past and present,” continued the source.
Meanwhile rumors are flying as to a military occupation of the town until a leadership hierarchy can be established and rascals residing there can be brought to heel.
-Suzie Compost
“Donald Trump doesn’t know beans about the Bible,”
– Rev D.K. Goya Freshaire
