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Plutonians angry over planetary status

(Solar Junction) Plutonians here are offended and a just little angry after being designated a dwarf planet by astronomers who say the nonluminous celestial body  is not big enough to be considered a legitimate planet.

Many residents of Pluto, formerly the ninth and farthest planet from the Sun, say that sidereal periods of revolution, abstract perihelions and especially confining aphelions are nothing to play with and can be dangerous in the hands of amateurs from earth.

Often ignored due to its last place finish in positions from the Sun, Pluto has sneaked by all these ions joining the other revolving entities in one Solar System, seated with the eight major planets in conjunction with the stars. Although Pluto has no known marketability or industrial output (with an unemployment rate of over 100%) Plutonians are the healthiest inhabitants of the Solar System.

“We are not the Chicago Cubs of the cosmos,” said one inhabitant. “We’re not a star and now we’re not really a proper planet either. What are we then…intergalactic debris?” asked Sarah Shuttle, a former NASA astronaut who landed on Pluto some years ago and decided to stay.

“How can anyone take the word of these charlatans, none of whom has ever set foot on Pluto?” demanded one Plutonian elder. “When the bubble bursts it is they who are the zealous plutocrats and we the innocent victims of it all trying only to prosper on the vast fringes of stellar no-man’s land.”

Another Plutonian agreed adding that only last year scientists confirmed that Pluto was larger than Mercury or Venus.

“How is it that we have shrunk to oblivion? They distinctly said half the size of the earth, at least diametrically,” he said. “Let’s face it we’re not exactly a major market out here but we have value. If we were right there downtown like Mars or Jupiter it would be a whole different deal. We are and have been the red-headed stepchild of planetary prestige, the bastard of Caliban, the lost tribe of the underworld, the last train to Clarksville. We can handle that but this dwarf planet business…well, it really shoves our face it, doesn’t it.”

An ongoing dispute between Pluto and Earth over fishing rights in the Straits of Armageddon has manifested itself in angry denials of wrongdoing evolving to shouting matches across the massive solar system.

The whole thing is a big mess,” said one astronomer from Buffalo Chippe Observatory near Boulder. “We have to consider the planetary psyche and the overgrown ego of Plutonians. For centuries they have believed they were just as good, a normal, upright planet just like the rest only to find out they don’t quite measure up,” he stressed.

Stopping short of calling the entire judgment ethnically motivated, the ambassador from Uranus, Pluto’s closest neighbor, has suggested that the attitude of the favored planets is condescending and hostile toward emerging masses. He says Pluto has become the latest in a long line of victims of the classic upstate down-state rivalry.

“These seeds of uncertainty are the seeds of discontent and be thee wary who throweth them,” she said in a thick Uranian accent. “Everyone knoweth that Plutonians can only be pushed so far.”

– Suzie Compost

Bulk Snow For Sale by Owner

Snow days in Western Colorado! Genuine Red Mountain snow for sale by the kilo. $90 delivered or $70 you retrieve. Owner may consider trading for like weight in sun flowers.

Packaging that needs shot

I got myself a new pair of scissors but couldn’t open the package. Photo by Jeff Brown The Juneau What

Pet Escrow Ordinance Adopted by Council

“Did you just call me a moron?”

(Crested Butte) In what has been called the most innovative step ever taken by the local town council, the controversial Doggy Duty Ordinance passed unanimously last night. The law, which requires prospective dog owners to put up as much as $2,000 in escrow with the town before acquiring a pet, is aimed at controlling the irresponsible.

The escrow fund is officially designated to pay for projected fines and other expenses involved in raising a dog. It is expected that some people will think twice about becoming a pet owner considering the commitment. Furthermore the council thinks people who decide to acquire a dog will be less likely to abandon the animal with all that money invested.

“It’s a winner,” said one supporter who says he intends to put up $250,000 to make sure his dogs are financially secure in the event of his own demise. “I think it’s the responsibility of every pet owner to see that the animal has a good sturdy upbringing and a real shot at success whether it be with government or the private sector. College is a definite for my two collies.”

The action comes on the heels of accusations that the town council sauteed funds from the 2016 Alley Loop Race and hardboiled the evidence. After one outspoken member was grilled Friday it appeared there was more to the story than was on the menu, so everyone broke for lunch.

“Nobody did anything illegal,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. It seems that any decision we make is like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.”

In other business three members of the council voted to table discussion with regards to complaints from landlords that tenants are stockpiling dung in rental units.

“The property owners and their agents say the renters are using the dung to braid their hair and they plan to issue eviction notices Monday,” said an elected official. “We’re just trying to head off the conflict until the end of ski season.

– Dag Katz

“I may not be all that intelligent, but I’m accessorized.”

– Melvin Toole, polysynthetic linguist, ham-handed flight surgeon, weekend podiatrist.

—APOLOGY—

Last month the San Juan Horseshoe incorrectly reported that residents of Crested Butte, Lake Irwin, Gothic and Jack’s Cabin could receive their annual giardia shots at the Animal Hospital at Crested Butte on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 am till noon on May 6.
The release should have read Mondays and Tuesdays through May 13. Sorry for any inconvenience. The baby journalist who filed the story has been fired, her ancestral home at Meridian Lake burned to the ground.

Patients are again reminded to shun alcoholic beverages for at least three weeks prior to subjecting themselves to this litigious and experimental witchcraft. Residents of Crested Butte, Rosebud Gulch, Pittsburg and Elkton can procure giardia shots for a nominal fee at any of the St. Roscoe clinics that tend to overpopulate the Upper Gunnison Valley. These lucky few are not required to avoid alcohol in any form, in fact they are encouraged to drink large quantities of the stuff prior to the immunization.

FLOYD ROSADO TOMA EXCEPCIÓN AL SONDA LUNAR CHINA

(LONDRES) La popular banda de rock and roll Pink Floyd no tiene ningún problema con la gente que camina por la luna. Ya sea que sean estadounidenses, rusos, chinos o marcianos no hacen ninguna diferencia al grupo musical que reclama a millones de oyentes aquí en la tierra.

Lo que Pink Floyd no aprecia es la referencia al otro lado de la Luna que, según las fotos tomadas por el Chng’e 4 Rover, no es para nada oscura. Además de aplastar leyendas similares al queso verde y al hombre en la luna, el suave toque en la superficie lunar confirma la imposibilidad de comunicación directa desde la tierra.

“El otro lado de la luna siempre apunta lejos de la tierra, lo que hace que los primeros astrónomos se refieran a él como el lado oscuro de la luna”, dijo un astronauta chino que espera aterrizar en la superficie lunar en algún momento de 2019. “Amamos a Pink Floyd ¡Pero las letras en Dark Side of the Moon son incorrectas!

Al reclamar la licencia poética, Pink Floyd no quiere ser mentirosa o perder la lealtad de su base de admiradores debido a “pequeñas observaciones y la opinión de aquellos que desacreditarían la adaptación musical y la leve referencia a los conceptos mantenidos en nuestros corazones y aceptados”. en nuestra lengua vernácula.

Los Chang’e 4 aterrizaron en el Cráter Von Karman en diciembre, un punto de referencia ubicado en el lado más alejado del cuerpo celeste. Los científicos en Shanghai dicen que esperan estudiar más a fondo la tierra y el subsuelo circundantes y enviar fotos para demostrar que no hay un lado oscuro real de la luna.

Y esto después de que los exploradores espaciales del desarrollo lunar en la Misión K2 de Kepler dicen que han descubierto un mundo completamente nuevo fuera del alcance de nuestro sistema solar. Llamado K2288Bb, el proyecto ha detectado innumerables planetas y estrellas desconocidas para el hombre antes de esta fecha.

“Muchos de estos planetas podrían sustentar la vida”, dijo un portavoz de Kepler. “Este es un descubrimiento emocionante, aunque puede llevar siglos determinar lo que hemos encontrado aquí”.

-Tommy Middlefinger