All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
McGinty Lands Victorian
(Gothic) Wardene McGinty, the woman who successfully sued the Big Chief Grocery chain over the size of a holiday turkey, has purchased a $850,000 Victorian home on White Rock Avenue according unconfirmed sources here. Readers will recall the horrendous fire that destroyed McGinty’s line shack near the Crested Butte Bad Karma Dump on November 27. No?
The police report says:On November 26 a Crested Butte woman purchased what turns out to have been a ten-pound turkey, mistakenly marked as a 25-pound turkey. The next day she followed cooking instructions per pound, leaving the bird to cook for the prescribed six plus hours while she went to the popular Juanito’s El Curvo bar for refreshment. According to fire department officials the bird finished cooking in three hours, exploded and started the fire which destroyed her shabby little home.
Subsequent testimony reaffirmed the developments and McGinty, at the urging of a battery of TV lawyers, sued the grocery store for misinforming her as to the weight of the bird and blaming the mindless discrepancy for the destruction of her abode.
After an emotional plea, wherein an abandonment by her husband was repeatedly cited, McGinty was awarded $3.2 million in an out of a quart settlement. The rest is history.
For public information: McGinty’s former husband, the now deceased Padriac McGinty, a native of Kinvara, Republic of Ireland, managed to accumulate a fortune in the janitorial supply business but drank it up between the years of 2015 and 2018 leaving the family penniless. As we have previously suggested: readers may remember (though the inebriated Padriac would not have recalled) accounts of this disgraceful behavior printed in The San Juan Horseshoe at the time.
As it turns out McGinty’s outlandish, yet impressive boozing is one of the contributing reasons for the paper’s continued policy not to hire Irish journalists unless they have papers and their own flasks.
– Owen Roe O’Neill
“Would that the Roman people had a single neck.”(to cut off their head) – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)
SKIBEREEN
O, Father dear, I ofttimes heard you talk of Erin’s Isle
Her valleys green, her lofty scene, her mountains rude and wild
You said it was a pleasant place wherein a prince might dwell
Why have you then forsaken her, the reason to me tell?
My son, I loved our native land with energy and pride
Until a blight fell on the land and sheep and cattle died
The rents and taxes were to pay, I could not them redeem
And that’s the cruel reason why I left Old Skibbereen
It’s well I do remember on a bleak November’s day
The landlord and his agent came to drive us all away
He set my house on fire with his demon yellow spleen
And that’s another reason why I left Old Skibbereen
Your mother, too, God rest her soul, lay on the snowy ground
She fainted in her anguish of the desolation round
She never rose, but went her way from life to death’s long dream
And found a quiet grave, my boy, in lovely Skibbereen
It’s well I do remember the year of forty-eight
When we arose with Erin’s boys to fight against our fate
I was hunted through the mountains as a traitor to the Queen
And that’s another reason that I left Old Skibbereen
Oh father dear, the day will come when vengeance loud will call
And we’ll arise with Erin’s boys and rally one and all
I’ll be tbe man to lead the van, beneath our flag of green
And loud and high we’ll raise the cry, “Revenge for Skibbereen!”
– Paddy Moloney
MUSIC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj4ifPsTe2I
Blue Collar Force March Sends Shock Waves
(Bland Junction) In 1880 the Tabeguache and the Northern Ute bands were removed to their reservation in Utah. It was affordable housing in the most primitive sense. Troublesome Utes, who had been silly enough to think they could maintain the nomadic lifestyle that they had enjoyed for centuries, were finally out of the hair of mining and development.
Today, due to a severe disparity of wealth, a shortage of land here in paradise and an overpopulation of the seasonal privileged, the local workforce is being evicted. Many have already been escorted across the Grand River for settlement on worker’s utopias in the Beehive State.
These destination retorts are not called reservations in 2019, nor are they referred to as relocation camps. The actual name for the centers has been thrown into the laps of several local realtors who promise to have concocted a workable term for the dry arcadias soon.
“We didn’t know the gov’ment could write a treaty on us,” said one of the uprooted workers. “We’re not even Indians.”
The wage slaves, who have been gradually pushed out of Western Colorado along with old ranching families (victims of corporate agriculture) and persons who do not fit the mold of the New West (cash only) will join others who have failed to cut the mustard.
“If you don’t show up with pockets stuffed with cash there’s no place for you here,” said Major McCook, the officer in charge of executing the controversial relocation orders. “Inheritance is popular, especially if you’ve got your eye on one of those cozy $500,000 cottages that dot the pristine landscape around these parts. We’re seeing more and more of the jeunesse doree‘, fashionable, wealthy young people who have come to play in the Rockies. This whole enterprise is nothing personal and hardly political. It’s just business.”
Some of the more liberal rich, a foggy minority group that gives to charities and drinks white wine before the fire, have expressed concern over the plight of their fellow citizens.
“We do so hope they have an enjoyable excursion and that they learn to love Utah,” said Muffy Hollandaise of Aspen. “We can’t imagine being poor or having to work all week long just to pay rent on a trailer. I remember reading about this kind of thing back in college…Charles Dickens, I think. But it all worked out in the end. Tiny Tim became a literary sharecropper.”
Other fringe groups say the working class deserves to be removed since most never made the right investments and succumbing to traditionally low wages so as to live in Western Colorado.
“Some of them even went so far as to spend every penny they made just surviving,” said Rex Montaleone, an unemployed millionaire living in Telluride. “How awful. I just hope it doesn’t affect our domestic labor pool. Maybe we should have waited until after summer season to send them packing.”
As of press time some 10,000 workers have been marched into Utah with many more scheduled for departure this month. Interested participants and students of history are encouraged to observe the massive exodus from points above the river where dinner and cocktails will be served.
Dinner, featuring a tongue-in-cheek presentation of lower middle class cuisine, will be held at the local Immigration and Naturalization Office here to determine how and when to begin construction of a mass transit system from the utopias to the workplace on this side of the river.
“We will not tolerate tardiness when it comes to employees,” said one proponent of the divine right theory.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Mensajes de texto? No preocupada pero no pueden conducir un palo.
Más y más personas en el país no pueden conducir transmisiones estándar. Este terrible fenómeno, considerado como parte de la evolución humana del siglo XXI por parte de los fabricantes de automóviles, ha abaratado la experiencia de manejo y le ha dado al motorista menos control en caso de mal tiempo. También resume las estadísticas disminuidas para el consumo responsable de petróleo.
¿La disponibilidad de transmisiones estándar se basa en la oferta y la demanda o en otras oscuras manipulaciones económicas de la industria automotriz? ¿La introducción de motores con inyección de combustible hizo que la operación de un automóvil fuera demasiado fácil y condujera al deseo de mayor comodidad?
Durante décadas, desde el final de la era clásica / romántica, donde los conductores valoraban sus carros, los fabricantes de automóviles vieron a los consumidores como bozos tecnológicos que no quieren realizar tareas innecesarias mientras están detrás del volante.
Aparentemente, tocar la radio, jugar con las ventanas eléctricas y mirar hacia atrás en la vista trasera domina la capacidad de atención del fusible corto. Los nombres GTO o 442 o incluso cuatro en el suelo se pierden en estas personas, muchos de los cuales dicen que son fanáticos de Nascar.
“¿Es realmente tan difícil enganchar el embrague? sonrió un defensor del consumidor. “El conductor de un cambio de palo está más en sintonía con su vehículo y, a su vez, está mejor conectado a la carretera. Todo lo que uno tiene que hacer es dar un pequeño giro y estará convencido “.
Pero todos pueden enviar mensajes de texto mientras están al volante y manipular los teléfonos inteligentes como si fuera un asunto de nadie. Simplemente no pueden distinguir una segunda marcha de reversa que podría ser fatal en el flash entre una conducción segura e incompetente.
El desarrollo, aunque es un viento pasajero para la mayoría, perturba gravemente a los expertos en automoción que dicen que solo puede significar más reductores de velocidad a menos capacidad intelectual en la carretera.
– Alfalfa Romero
“Tenemos suficiente religión para hacernos odiar, pero no lo suficiente para hacernos amarnos”. – Jonathan Swift
Canned Laughter Pulled From Shelves
(Ridgway) Grocery stores and supermarkets will begin pulling canned laughter from their shelves Monday as part of the Federal Uniformity Act, passed late last night after the bars closed.
The presence of the canned laughter, once considered an integral part of Americana, has been determined to be far too diverse for today’s politically correct consumer. The mandatory removal will be followed up by the release of more uniform entertainment response apparatus aimed at making the citizenry more alert to the dangers posed by foreign comics and those who seek to bring down the present gov’ment.
“It’s all about perception,” said one grocer who supports the effort. “We still have frozen chuckles and freeze-dried smirks for the die-hard. We’d like to see a populace who could decide when to laugh and what to laugh about…on their own with prompts and mob mentality. Isn’t that the core of Democracy?”
Persons hoping to stockpile canned laughter for the winter have until the weekend to do so. Quantities are limited. – Melvin Toole
Ghost of Elvis Sets Hot Springs Tour
(Ouray) An upsurge in reported sightings of the Ghost of Elvis is a clear indication that he about to embark on the annual Hot Springs Tour according to parapsychologists here. Some 30 appearances of the hip-swaying apparition have been chronicled since the first of the year.
“Elvis is the eternal showman,” said Dr. E. B. Tinkleholland, chair at the Table Mountain Institute in Boulder. “He knows better than to try to compete with the holiday hype when all kinds of other celebrity energy is in the air. In death, as in life The King seeks center stage,”
Residents here say Elvis has visited both Box Canyon and the Wiesbaden with short touchdowns at Orvis and the Hot Springs Pool after dark. Guests and staff at these facilities say that the phantom has yet to submerge itself into the water preferring to hover above dressed in a plaid tartan kilt, bow tie, black knee socks and white dress shirt. Although harmless to date the spirit has created quite a stir when popping up among unsuspecting soakers.
“We were sitting in the pool at about dusk when the wind picked up and some light snow began to fall,” said one guest at Orvis Hot Springs near Ridgway. “Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared across the water, maybe ten feet away. He was singing the familiar “Are you lonesome tonight?” to all of the ladies present. As one might imagine the visit created quite a stir and the pool emptied quickly.”
The Elvis Rubber Duckie is back!
Employees there say that upon closer examination they found nothing stranger than usual going on and concluded that whomever was singing had vacated the premises.
“We’re up to our necks in celebrities, “said one woman at the front desk. “It’s a normal occurrence and most of them attempt to disguise themselves so as to avoid unwanted publicity or attention. Besides in the San Juans these days everyone is a celebrity of some sort.”
She went on to admit that arriving in such a cadaverous state was a nice touch and that the special effects were quite impressive.
“We just wish he would have paid like everyone else,” she frowned.
If the ghost follows the agenda of past years he will spend about a week hanging around Ouray County before traveling to Dunton Hot Springs in Dolores County and Juanita Hot Springs, east of Gunnison. By February fans may have an excellent chance to see Elvis near Valley View at Saguache and Mt. Princeton Hot Springs in the Collegiate Range.
“We can’t guarantee anything,” said Tinkleholland. “Elvis has always had a mind of his own.”
Experts say this year’s ghost seems quite different than the spirit that visited last winter.
“In 2018 the Ghost of Elvis was angry, even vengeful, presumably over the settlement of his estate and the continued pirating of recordings in Third World countries,” said Tinkleholland. “At present he seems to have put these annoyances behind him and is a more lighthearted apparition.”
Despite mounds of data collected over the years and surveys conducted all over the globe researchers remain baffled as to the attire of this year’s Elvis.
“Where’s the glitter? asked the doctor. “We’ve never seen him in kilts before but the name Presley is certainly of Scots-Irish stock. “It’s either that or he’s developed a fetish for parochial school uniforms. And what’s with the knee socks?”
-Paula Parvenu
