All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
Surfing Club Liquidates
The last regular meeting of the Western Colorado University Surfing Club was held at the Aspinall-Wilson Center last night. The organization, chartered in 1919 by veterans of World War I, reached its peak in 1963 when it boasted some 300 members. That year the club brought the Beach Boys, Dick Dale and Jan & Dean to the campus. Over the years members have traveled to such exotic spots as Chile, Hawaii and the Canary Islands in search of the perfect wave.
The executive board decided to disband since nobody attends the meetings anymore. The last athletic scholarship awarded to a surfer here was shrouded in scandal over alleged inappropriate contact with surfing recruits in both Alma and Granby, two locales that often record temperatures lower than Gunnison measurements.
Other sore spots underscore long board disputes with Adams State University in frigid Alamosa, a row left unsettled for decades.
“Students are far more interested in snowboarding than surfing around here,” said a former member. “It’s the instant gratification thing. There’s a great ski area 28 miles to the north and good surfing spots the ocean are at least a thousand miles from here.”
Excess funds, leftover from operations, remain in a secret off-shore bank account and may go toward the further exhumation of ancient artifacts and fossils on W Mountain.
-Gabby Haze
Moved by the sangre
Celtic chills embrace me
disguised as rain and wind
roaming my spine in Union Hall
not only the sea looks back at me.
O’Sullivan you say?
We hold that quota teeming like
mussels washed in ocean butter,
kidnapped in the sandy bay.
My name like steely headlands
splashed on bricks above the door,
established 1922 and then forever more.
Forged martyrs on the cobbler’s square
scream whispers of the just
in piercing stoney silence
precipitate washed away treasures
in nimble words of my ancestors.
Wade out amid sea juices
and of your own never be afraid
your pants rolled up
like an egret deep in meditation.
Roots exposed for all to see
Soul exposed for all to see.
Wrapped in whittled rain.
Wrapped in that rascal rain
Floating like a swan,
no ripples in her whirls,
taking centuries to open
Christmas presents from the Earls.
The heart of Ireland out my window
So many crossroads — So little time
Vegan Cows Threatened by Deli Opening
(Wimpton) Organic ranchers up and down the valley remain apprehensive with the opening of Fatso’s Deli just weeks away. The new eatery, which features “a meaty fare”, threatens the cosmic flow in the otherwise vegetarian stronghold.
At best most other residents are oblivious to the lifestyle conflict, preferring to dwell on their own putrid lives and wishing they were on television. County commissars, who approved the restaurant so as to collect “the burgeoning tax revenues of legend and lore”, fear or their pancake jobs while a potential range war threatens to engulf the landlocked region.
“We are fearful of the violence that may ensue,” said Earl MacAdoo who, with his half-sister Moo (pronounced Maw) has operated For Goodness Sake Farms near Mescaline Flats since the cows came home.
Meanwhile lawyers for Fatso’s say the cows have been mollycoddled for too long.
“It’s time they got off the gravy train and found real work,” said Smiles Healy of Judge and Jury Associates, the firm representing the deli.
“I never thought I’d see the day the city people would succeed at placing meatballs on the registry of endangered species,” spat MacAdoo. “And what’s all this chatter about the cows coming home? Happy cows don’t wander off in the first place. The few that do end up in the gutter or working for the gov’ment.”
Moo echoed these anxieties warning that the deli will be a really bad influence her cows.
“How you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen German potato salad?” she crooned. “I often wonder how the pastrami would fare after a well-choreographed stampede.
– Chicken Fried Jake
“You make me feel so Jung” – Sigmund Freud
Igloos may fall through planning cracks says BOZO
(Elk Avenue) The construction igloos in the town of Crested Butte is on the upswing after a snowy winter and BOZO, Bored of Zoning and Obstructions, has yet to act on “crimes against local architecture.”
“We weren’t ready for this one,” said one board member who asked not to be identified.
Proponents of the temporary expansion say the igloos represent viable affordable housing even when it is seasonal. They add that the structures will most likely be gone by early June.
“This is the local gov’ment’s chance to ignore something and it will go away syndrome which has plagued the upper end of the valley since tourism exploded in the 90s.” said the source.
“We have attempted to put our mark on every building in town but this has escaped our grasp,” quipped the BOZO spokesman. “I wonder if igloos can be painted purple?”
– Melvin O’ Toole
Vodka reclassified as a vegetable
Much to the relief of millions of imbibers, the USFDA has categorized vodka as a vegetable. All concoctions, whether potato, grain or rye, will now be considered edible plants. It is expected that the libation will now attain a higher level of acceptance by non-drinking elements, even though they may not partake.
The long-awaited decision saw impulsive polka parties breaking out from Warsaw to Wellington. The reclassification allows vodka far less scrutiny by federal agencies and removes the mixture from the grasp of the Department Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, a longstanding control and monitoring group.
“We now have, in this country, rogue elements distilling vodka from every known natural element from the soil,” said one ATF official who takes hers with soda and lime. “Sure they are illegal distillers and should be prosecuted but now, with the new legislation about to take affect, the waters are murky.”
In a related piece federal agents have conducted some 4000 raids in Colorado alone aimed at illegal stills and distribution networks. According to tight-lipped insiders, many of the mountain tribes there are distilling small batch vodka from their dirty sox, a felony.
“The reclassification of vodka in no way legalizes other non-vegetative procedures akin to the production of liquor,” said the ATF spokesperson. “This has nothing to do with the legalization of marijuana,” she stressed. “People were making barely five star vodka from discarded futons, pine cones and even dry cat food. Something had to be done.”
-Fred Zeppelin
